never in years i'd be happy to feel awkwardness. what the hell, me. short story is. it's final weeks. let's ignore all the underlying problem like unmet assignments and other stuff.
there's this one class that had us form groups. it's not a mandatory class to take, but i took it because it fills up the required credits. i filled in my name in a random group for the conversational project. i know no one there. literal no one. and... i pushed my luck. and you know what... i couldn't care lessπ
perhaps i am in the brink of insanity that a glimmer of life is making me all jittery. but screw it i'll take whatever crumbs... i am not unhinged i am just... i don't know how to pour it into words!!! i am a definitely not a nervous wreck of a train accelerating towards a dead end of a tunnel in a dark place and a loud noise and a steaming smoke coming out of the furnace. maybe a bit. but it doesn't matter...!
i've felt so distant from... everything. college-related. i've walked by my own simply because it's convenient and also because i suck at trying to reach out and maintain a proper connection. but. i don't actually hate like talking to people. it's the dread that i felt, the self-imposed pressure that i'm going to mess up, the expectations to be serving more into the interaction. i don't hate interacting... in fact, i like it. i like it, and it's being important enough for me to not wanting to mess up. but that instead turned into a bigger challenge because i ended up straying away from interacting exactly because i don't want to mess up. so i avoid any chances for encounter, so that i don't mess up. but then how can i actually interact that way?
it's funny how that works.
so... when i was forced, not exactly forced, when all the situation pushed me into putting myself into interaction... what else can i be except of being the same old me? i was nervous. i was scared of even texting in the group chat. like what the heck should i say. other members are texting back and forth. and i was like... this is... so... i am so screwed. ugh it's too late to send a message. i'm going to stand out. but i said fuck it. and then sent an introductory message, "hey, i'm [name] and i'm from [major] studies." or something like that.
and there i felt it. the... the very recognizable, familiar feeling. emotion. awkwardness. the heart beating, wondering how others will think of the message. the million second thoughts of doubting and all. the itchy self not knowing how to position myself. the dreadful silent reply (for a while, because they replied soon)weirdly, i let out a chuckle. a groan of something along ugh...! and. and it's so comforting.
it's so comforting. it really is. i missed a lot by being distant. i know. and i could never knew if i'd be out there one day. but it's so oddly. oddly endearing.
awkwardness. for me, it's a more gentle form of being anxious. rather than scolding me for messing up, being awkward is just. well. i guess, it just happen. cricket noises. but, as if whistling, it sizzles and slowly fades after a while. it's so endearing for me to feel awkward. because i haven't felt that. i've felt anxious, distant and so... not-me. like losing myself.
at least i can relate with how i used to be, how i always be, of being awkward. at least. i can feel like. maybe it's not bad. not everything is going to be. no promises though. i can always fall and heck maybe i'll take back my own words when stuff get heavier. but. it's so weird. i think i've wrote it in one of my entries back then. being awkward sort of... acts like it's a sign of being alive. and. maybe i needed that. a bit. for now.
EDIT. AS PER LITERALLY 30 MINUTES LATER.
i am eating my words. i am munching it right now. i am now crunching on all the bad and good parts of my words. i am now withering and fading away. yes. exactly. now, this. this, is anxiousness. there it is. it is not at all endearing. it is not at all comforting. it's demanding, it's paceful, it's pressuring. it's telling me to work. but my body couldn't move. only the thoughts eating me away in a dreadful silence.
no. this isn't about the group projects. it's for an entirely different the unmet assignment. the consequences has come to knock on my door. and one thing i am scared. no. AAHHHHH!!!!!!! stop. stop. it's not life threatening. it's not. i assure you, me. i mean, in the grand scheme of things, maybe. but does it cause me to bleed? no. does it causes me to feel like i'm in pain? emotionally, perhaps. does it literally threaten the physicality and the mortality of my being? no...? exactly. i mean, not really, but no. you're not going to... because of this.
it's exhausting. dealing with these. but people learn to live with it. maybe some heal. some deal with it less in a way that's more practical. i don't know how i'm dealing with it, if i'm doing that in the first place.
there's something in my brain that sort of understand the presence of consequences but couldn't properly wire up that and translate into urgency until it's too late. wow. fancy way to say i procrascinate. for things that matters. finding sleazy way out. thinking i'm going to be okay. in a way, true. but i can't deal with it forever like this. it's not going to be okay always. in a way, true also.
so what's the root of it? i've blamed distraction. i've blamed my environtment. i've blamed my social skills, or my lackthereof. what else...? what haven't i point out? me...? i point myself a lot. so what... what... i feel like it's so simple to get that answer out of me. so simple to connect the wires back where it shouldn't be. but i don't understand it. i don't understand why am i... so anxious. so... apathetic. sometime.
ah... i've deal with it. by what? delaying it one step further. i can't always rely on being pushed by external factors. the problem is inside me.
ahhh!!! everything is so confusing. not going to undermine the fact that i've accomplished sending a message to the group chat though. ha... i felt like screaming.
