Behind the scenes of this livetext: Mycroft gets a new phone and identifies Iago via haiku; Iago sees Hamilton;Β "Pride and Prejudice but in Starfleet" becomes a thing; Iago quits their job; SO MANY PUNS; and it turns out that Mycroft has never finished Avatar: the Last Airbender. A year in the making (I'm not even fucking kidding), I present you with: Iago Reads Wizards At War (lightly edited for ease of reading)
Mycroft: Better start bracing yourself for book 8 now
Iago: Oh sweet Jesus
Mycroft: There, no you can't say I didn't warn you
Iago: But you /know/ it's funnier when I get to threaten you with gruesome death!
Iago: Are you ready for this?
Iago: ...one of the chapter titles is "Acceptable Losses". /I/ am not ready for this.
Iago: Nita needs a vacation from her vacation. Nita sweetie...
Iago: "Neets, is it true he destroyed a whole alien culture in just ten days?" Carmela Rodriguez is my Patronus
Mycroft: Right?
Mycroft: She just keeps getting better
Iago: Roll call at the Callahan home: "three humans, one humanoid, one tree, and one giant bug" and I'm quietly cackling in public
Iago: "The centipede pointed a couple spare eyes at the Christmas tree." Taken out of context, I think that may be the most bizarre sentence I've ever read. In context, it makes perfect sense. I don't know which amuses me more.
Mycroft: Yesssss
Iago: "But her mom had loved those lilacs, and wouldn't be seeing them again." OKAY OW
Iago: Oh sweet minty Jesus
Iago: You weren't wrong.
Iago: And I wasn't prepared.
Mycroft: So not prepared
Mycroft: What's that in response to specifically?
Iago: Basically the entire series of events leading to Kit and Nita becoming Seniors
Mycroft: BASICALLY
Mycroft: IT'S ALL GONE TO SHIT
Iago: Descriptions of wizardries in action never fail to be beautiful
Iago: "The changes in the structure of space then start affecting the thought processes and reactions of all living beings in the area. Their behavior will start to become less and less rational...less committed to Life."
SHE WROTE THIS BOOK OVER A DECADE AGO HOW IS IT SO RELEVANT RIGHT NOW
Mycroft: Oh you have no idea
Iago: God help my soul
Mycroft: So yes, welcome to Tom's Wizardly PowerPoint of universal doom
Iago: I should just go see Moana again. It's far less depressing
Iago: "Uh-oh". Now Nita's getting in on it
Mycroft: Indeed
Iago: Looks like Nita's playing "fake it 'til you make it"
Iago: I don't know if that's good or bad, to be honest
Mycroft: Fairly characteristic tho
Iago: True
Iago: "...yet another lollipop sticking out of his face." That is the greatest description of someone with a sucker in their mouth that I've ever witnessed
Mycroft: Roshaun and his lollipop addiction
Mycroft: The real OTP
Iago: *chokes* oh my gOD
Iago: Sker'ret just called Nita "Senior". I think both Nita and I had a quick internal freak-out
Iago: THEY STILL HAVE BETTY CALLAHAN'S NUMBER IN THEIR HOME PHONE I'M GOING TO GO CRY IN A CORNER
Mycroft: ;__;
Iago: "The universe has started expanding too fast, and we have to stop it before it tears itself apart."
"Um. Okay, I see why you might need a few extra days off for that."
*slightly hysterical laughter*
Mycroft: Same
Iago: "Two weeks to save the universe". Sounds like an album title
Mycroft: I'd listen to it
Iago: "What /is/ grenfelzing, exactly?"
"It's kind of like emmfozing, but with chocolate."
Have I ever mentioned that I both hate and love your ability to quote these goddamn books at me when I ask questions?
Mycroft: I can't recall, but I'm glad to hear it
Mycroft: Also I mean that's the only canon explanation so really, what else could I say
Iago: But you quoted it /word for word/
Mycroft: Admittedly, that was at least partially For The Meme
Iago: I'll allow it
Iago: "...a brief, profound case of amnesia. They'd instantly forgotten why they were there" sounds like my life
Iago: Oh my god what is Spot doing with the TV
Iago: *whispers* How bad is it that my mind is currently in the gutter
Mycroft: Dataaaaaa
Iago: AM I JUST A PERVERT OR DOES THAT SOUND INCREDIBLY DIRTY
Mycroft: It's certainly something
Iago: "But most of the aliens are here for the cocoa plants." Well, I can't exactly blame them...
Iago: Carmela Rodriguez remains a gift
Iago: Oh god Ronan's back
Mycroft: Yessssss Carmela and Ronan
Mycroft: A dangerous combination
Iago: Ronan keeps the Spear in a pen
Iago: *checks date published*
Iago: Feels a bit Percy Jackson to me
Iago: Carmela has the insta-hots for Ronan. This is gonna be fun
Iago: "The fucking heir of an almighty something or other" is still a really good description for Roshaun. In case you were wondering if I had warmed up to him any more
Iago: WHALE
Iago: WHALE ON THE MOON
Iago: Whale On The Moon is the name of my new techno jazz band
Mycroft: Can I join?
Mycroft: I'll learn any new instrument you need
Iago: ...having thought about it, I'm legitimately not certain what instruments would be /played/ in a techno jazz band. So, I mean, if you want to learn the synthesizer...
Iago: Young Wizards book 8 alternate title: Wizards' Reunion
Iago: Lots of air quotes going on right now
Iago: ....I want Darryl's manual
Iago: "Where's your adjunct talent?"
"Playing with rocks, as usual."
Okay now I really want a puppy
Iago: "Twychild". Have I mentioned lately that the worldbuilding in these books gives me a case of the warm fuzzies?
Mycroft: Yesssss Tuyet and Nguyet
Iago: *whispers* Why is there a thought-voice talking in second-person in Kit's head
Iago: The description of Roshaun's living space send help
Iago: "A three-way collision between an antique furniture warehouse, a jewelry story, and a Gothic cathedral carved and decorated by the artistically insane."
Iago: So my brain has given Roshaun's father the voice of Mark Hamill.
Iago: There's a decent chance I'm going to just call him the Phoenix King
Iago: "Speaking truth to power is never 'out'." DAIRINE REMAINS GOD
Iago: (Also if I ever go to a protest I'm putting that on my sign.)
Mycroft: Yessss do it
Mycroft: And which kind of Mark Hamill are we talking here: Skywalker, Firelord or Joker?
Iago: Firelord. Thus the Phoenix King comment
Iago: Oh my god Dairine in the face of implications that she and Roshaun are ~involved~
Mycroft: Blessss
Iago: "You tell those people that they are completely nuts!"
Iago: Did...did Roshaun just /whine/ at his mother?
Mycroft: Yes
Mycroft: Not so dignified now
Iago: *falls off the table in laughter*
Iago: Oh god is Roshaun developing a Thing for Dairine
Mycroft: WELCOME TO THE MADDENING AMBIGUITY
Iago: MADDENING AMBIGUITY IS THE NAME OF MY NEW POLITICAL PUNK BAND
Mycroft: Bless
Iago: This is my favorite game
Mycroft: I know a fair few YW fans who have a particular talent for it
Iago: I have a list. I use them in my stories for bands my characters like
Mycroft: Most excellent
Iago: Ponch wants blue food
Mycroft: As do we all
Iago: I /could/ go for some blue Jolly Ranchers
Iago: Ponch, to Ronan: "You two just talk among yourselves."
Dog sass is best sass
Iago: "It's math, Kit, but not as we know it."
SHE. SHE JUST. SHE FUCKING DID THAT ON PURPOSE
Iago: I'm going to go curl up in a corner and cry with laughter now
Mycroft: Yup
Mycroft: What a nerd, right
Iago: Pot, kettle
Iago: Oh shit Sker'ret is having a fight with his parent
Iago: ...I currently have a desire to cuddle what amounts to a giant centipede. What have you done to me
Mycroft: The magic of Young Wizards
Iago: That was terrible
Iago: But, then again, I love terrible
Iago: Okay so the description of dark matter
Mycroft: Yes?
Iago: I feel like I have something crawling around under my skin
Mycroft: It's unsettling, isn't it
Mycroft: That gets worse
Iago: Oh god
Iago: "Nita for the first time actually saw someone else look out of Ronan's eyes. The expression was one of recognition coupled with a very controlled anger. The one who looked out had seen something like this before."
Oh. Shit. Oh /shit/.
Mycroft: Yessssss
Mycroft: Shit just got real
Iago: I am not prepared for this
Mycroft: Correct
Iago: GIGO
Mycroft: :D
Iago: "For transits like this, we temporarily rewrite the kernel that manages local gravity and mass in our solar system. It's no big deal."
oh my gOD
Iago: They are actually Dairine's children
Mycroft: They've been busy since we last saw them
Mycroft: And it's awesome
Iago: "A world of true computer wizards" get the fuck out
Iago: They're actually calling her Mother s e n d h e l p
Mycroft: RIGHT
Iago: I'm not crying you're crying
Mycroft: I'm not crying I'm eating a quaesadilla
Mycroft: The crying one must be you
Iago: Well I can't see to tell you so who knows
Iago: "Guys," [Dairine] said after a moment, "you make me proud."
"That is our other purpose," Beanpole said. "Our first one."
Iago: I A M D E A D
Mycroft: I knowwww
Iago: "Life's all the time sending /me/ messages I can't read." [Dairine] flicked just a second's glance at Roshaun, who she was starting to think was yet another of those messages.
Iago: Oh lordy
Iago: Oh god above send help
Iago: Spot's becoming less of a machine, more alive. I don't know if I'm in support of this change
Mycroft: Everyone needs upgrades now and then :P
Iago: I don't like change
Iago: I kind of adore the mobiles all bowing to Dairine
Iago: Roshaun raised his eyebrows and produced another lollipop, which he held out to her.
"How many of those things do you have?" Dairine said.
"Not nearly enough," Roshaun said.
Iago: Please excuse me while I go laugh myself sick
Mycroft: Roshaun has his priorities in order
Mycroft: There was always a jar of lollipops on hand at CrossingsCon in his honor
Iago: Perfect
Iago: "I'll give you a dysfunction where you'll have trouble finding it again."
Totally stealing that don't even care
Mycroft: Excellent
Iago: "I may be a mother, but you are /mine/."
Maybe I didn't take enough time to recover after finishing The Slow Regard of Silent Things I'm going to go collapse in an emotional heap
Mycroft: So many Dairine feels, I knowww
Iago: "Enthusiasmic incorporation of the Hesper--"
What? What?! What does it say? What does it mean? I NEED TO KNOW
Mycroft: [rubs hands together; evil laughter] I'M SAYING NOTHING
Iago: Oh god is time moving faster on Metemne
Mycroft: MAYBE
Iago: Oh fuck it's relativity isn't it. Because they're near the source of the dark matter, they're moving faster than the rest of the Universe
Mycroft: Very possible
Iago: Oh no. Introduction of Della Cantrell and MY EMOTIONS CAN'T TAKE THIS HALP
Mycroft: Oh boy
Iago: Nita's phone call to her dad. Direct hit to the feels.
Mycroft: Harry Callahan is such a good dad
Iago: That is part of why it hurts so much
Iago: "Nita, could you please get off me before we accidentally become more than just good friends?"
*cackles maniacally*
Mycroft: BEST
Iago: Holy fucking sHIT ALMOND SPIDERS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
Mycroft: Wait what
Mycroft: Remind me of the context for that
Iago: On Rashah. The creatures destroying the trees are almond-shaped and have eight legs. Almond spiders
Mycroft: Oh ok that's what I figured
Mycroft: HELLO TO OUR TERRIFYING NEW ALIEN FRIENDS
Iago: ALMOND SPIDERS. WHY.
Mycroft: WHY NOT
Iago: "They've been fighting each other, on and off, for /millions/ of years?"
"They must be really enjoying it, to keep the war going so long."
Sker'ret is so great
Mycroft: Rashah is not exactly a great vacation destination, that's for sure
Iago: Oh sweet minty Jesus the almond spiders are a remnant after an atomic holocaust I need a drink
Iago: And...they're all avatars...of the Lone Wanker. Better make that two drinks.
Mycroft: WELCOME TO RADIOACTIVE POSSESSED WAR-MONGERING GIANT SPIDER CULT WORLD
Mycroft: ENJOY YOUR STAY
Iago: Where is Nita's dad
Iago: I am Concerned
Iago: Also
Iago: I will never get tired of the "check your spelling" joke
Mycroft: Same
Iago: "Words had just failed Dairine." Gods above have mercy on us all
Mycroft: I appreciate that the narration pauses to note how unthinkable that is
Iago: Also, a "bright" version of the Lone Power
Iago: What does that mean
Iago: Why is bright in quotes
Mycroft: To indicate it's kind of a rough description of a more complex subject, mostly
Iago: But does it mean that we're getting a version of the Lone Power that's more on the good side or a version that's worse than usual
Mycroft: There's more explanation later, but basically picture the LP's non-evil twin
Mycroft: Like its opposite, basically
Iago: I thought /you/ were refusing to give spoilers
Mycroft: Meh, I saw that as more clarification on what you already read, ymmv
Mycroft: But stay tuned
Iago: Well obviously
Iago: Nita doesn't like shooting people who are shooting at her
Mycroft: Krakens don't count but I don't think they were as sentient
Iago: "I'm a wizard, not an engineer" goddammit /again/?!
Mycroft: Yesss
Iago: I shall take myself off to the laughing corner
Iago: Oh god self-destruct at the Crossings
Mycroft: Kind of a terrifying prospect
Iago: Nita just blew up a giant gun
Mycroft: Yesss
Iago: "High-fiving a giant centipede can take a while."
Up next on Winning Understatements....
Mycroft: That is so fun to picture
Iago: I know!
Iago: "I don't wear socks."
"Just as well. You'd bankrupt yourself."
That is /also/ fun to picture
Mycroft: As an antidote to the tense battle scene, have a bunch of centipede leg jokes
Iago: Pretty much
Iago: Wait
Iago: /Carmela/?!
Mycroft: Hahahaha yesss
Mycroft: THE GLORIOUS RETURN
Iago: What
Iago: WHAT
Iago: Okay, Sker'ret just /swallowed/ the self-destruct panel
Mycroft: He's got a talent for that kind of thing
Iago: Which, I mean, okay, great way to not lose it
Iago: But
Iago: Can't he digest, like, /everything/?
Iago: And the self-destruct sequence is still going?
Iago: What happens if he takes too long to get the panel back out?
Mycroft: Rirhait stomach work in mysterious ways
Iago: ...is that the canon explanation or your way of saying "don't think about it too hard"
Mycroft: Yes
Iago: Why did I let you talk me into this
Mycroft: Because it's awesome, come on
Iago: Ugh
Iago: *quiet noises of agreement*
Iago: "So I took steps." CARMELA
Iago: (Carmela is the reason I let you talk me into this.)
Mycroft: That's the best answer
Mycroft: This book is Peak Carmela honestly
Iago: *whispers emphatically* Juanita Louise
Mycroft: Yessssss
Iago: Carmela just referred to Filif as "my favorite Christmas tree" and Carmela is all of us in that moment
Mycroft: So true
Mycroft: Filif is tree-mendous
Iago: I fucking hate you so much right now. :b
Mycroft: :D
Iago: "We are on errantry, and we greet you."
"Not that you particularly /merit/ greeting." Nita pls
Mycroft: She's earned the right to some snark, I'd say
Iago: Clearly
Iago: "You get more honey with flies. Wait a minute, that's not how it goes." CARMELA PLS
Mycroft: Oh my god
Mycroft: Get ready for another legendary Carmela moment
Iago: IS SHE BRIBING THE TAWALF WITH CHOCOLATE
Iago: FUCKING SHIT YES SHE IS
Mycroft: YEAH
Mycroft: And now you know why this book made Carmela everyone's favorite
Iago: I'M SO PLEASED WITH THIS
Iago: I mean Dairine is always going to be my eternal favorite but yeah Carmela's a close second
Mycroft: Relatable
Iago: Oh my god now she's threatening to /eat/ the chocolate right in front of them I'm crying
Mycroft: I KNOW RIGHT
Iago: Ponch the almond spider is trying to catch his non-existent tail
Mycroft: Omfg I forgot about that
Iago: It's a hilarious picture
Iago: I think I just witnessed a cult gathering
Iago: "You let me worry about this planet, and I'll let you worry about all the others." HARRY CALLAHAN IS BEST DAD
Mycroft: THE VERY BEST
Iago: NO
Iago: NONONONONO
Iago: TOM AND CARL HAVE FORGOTTEN THEIR WIZARDRY
Mycroft: AH YOU'VE GOTTEN TO THAT PART
Mycroft: WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK CITY, POPULATION YOU
Mycroft: And also Nita
Iago: S E N D H E L P
Iago: Wait are Rirhait mostly purple
Iago: Because if yes than they are my new favorites
Mycroft: They also come in blue, green, and pink, but yeah
Mycroft: I'm pretty sure Sker'ret in particular is purple
Iago: Well I saw that but the book makes a point to say that there are a /lot/ of shades of purple and I fucking love purple
Mycroft: You're in luck, then
Iago: "I would never lose my balance. I am a paragon of grace and stability."
"Oh, yeah. Who said /that/?"
"Roshaun."
Someone help me
Iago: I cannot
Mycroft: Pffft
Mycroft: Classic Roshaun
Iago: Kit is hiding his eyes from "sex stuff" and I'm laughing
Iago: "My dog brings home strays." Kit your dog is a fucking gift
Iago: A ducking gift who knows how to work a situation to get dog treats
Iago: And...and then he gave the treat to the Yaldiv that he brought home.
Iago: Ponch is a good dog.
Mycroft: Ponch is a good dog
Iago: "What is it with these Callahan women that they're always after yelling at you and giving you grief?"
"Not always. Just when it's going to get most on your nerves."
Kit just be glad Nita isn't here because she'd sock you
Iago: Oh
Iago: Oh shit
Iago: Just head the story of the dogs' Choice
Iago: And
Iago: everything is fine
Iago: EVERYTHING IS FINE MYCROFT
Mycroft: E V E R Y T H I N G I S F I N E
Iago: "Even when people mean to do good things, bad things happen in the world."
"They're happening already. Pretending they're not won't help."
Memeki the almond spider is speaking to my soul I'm gonna go start a revolution now
Mycroft: Yes please do
Iago: ALMOND SPIDER ATTACK OH GOD
Mycroft: I'm greatly enjoying your dedication to calling the Yaldiv almond spiders
Iago: NITA AND CARMELA TO THE RESCUE FUCK YEAH
Iago: WAIT WAS THE "THING" NITA WAS SUPPOSED TO GO BACK AND GET ACTUALLY /CARMELA/?!
Iago: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING GREATEST
Iago: Also
Iago: What does it mean that Memeki was honored by the Great One
Iago: Is she pregnant
Iago: Is she being nommed from the inside
Iago: Oh. Oh shit. What does Memeki mean by "my time"
Iago: CALLED IT ASSFACES
Iago: I mean
Iago: She's not currently getting et
Iago: But
Iago: Eggses
Iago: EGGSES, PRECIOUS
Iago: ACK NO WHY WITH THE MEMORIES OF BETTY I AM NEVER PREPARED FOR THOSE
Iago: Okay apparently the thing Nita was supposed to bring was /not/ in fact Carmela but rather hEART-WRENCHING MEMORIES OF HER MOTHER'S DEATH
Iago: Oh god Carmela is yanking Kit's chain about having found a manual and I'm experiencing emotional whiplash halp
Mycroft: Carmela is dedicated to yanking as many chains as possible, the audience's included
Iago: THEY'RE ALL LOST THEIR WIZARDRY SEND HELP
Iago: ROSHAUN IS ON HIS DIGNITY SEND A DIFFERENT KIND OF HELP
Iago: *inhuman screeching*
Iago: ACK NO YOU ABSOLUTE WANKHOLE GET YOUR DIRTY POWERS OFF CARMELA
Iago: "Oops," said Carmela...and, very slowly, smiled.
Mycroft: OOPS
Mycroft: The holy grail of Carmela badass
Iago: *screams a lot*
Iago: *so much screaming*
Iago: Oh, now This Bitch is rising from the ashes, because obviously
Iago: *snarls a lot*
Iago: *basically continuous snarling*
Iago: RONAN
Iago: R O N A N
Iago: *screams forever*
Iago: *interrupts eternal screaming for a breath* oh yes Sker'ret is in fact purple *continues screaming*
Iago: ROSHAUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Iago: ROSHAUN
Mycroft: ROSHAAAAUN
Iago: *still screaming*
Iago: WHAT THE HAP IS FUCKENING
Iago: WHY IS THE TRANSCENDENT PIG HERE
Iago: WHY IS PONCH A SHADOW DOG
Iago: P O N C H
Iago: PONCH IS SUCH A GOOD DOG
Mycroft: PONCH IS THE BEST DOG
Iago: *cries forever*
Iago: *is also still screaming*
Iago: TOM AND CARL ARE BACK
Iago: BUT ON THE OTHER HAND PONCH
Iago: PONCH
Iago: PONCH IS BACK
Iago: HE'S A SHEEPDOG NOW BUT HE'S PONCH
Iago: TOTALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE ANIMALS THAT GET TO ME
Iago: IT'S THE END OF THE BOOK AND THE DOG TECHNICALLY DIDN'T DIE
Mycroft: The dog did the opposite of dying, ultimately
Iago: PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I COLLAPSE ON THIS BED AND SOB WITH JOY
Iago: Okay I'm going to go collapse in an emotionally exhausted heap and probably read all of A Wizard of Mars tomorrow. So. Be ready for that.
Mycroft: CONGRATS you made it to the last stop on the emotional roller coaster that is Wizards at War
Mycroft: You win a free trip to Mars
Mycroft: Where definitely nothing will go wrong
