#expectatvalentines

A floral arrangement to Marlene McKinnon, with random scrolls of parchment tied to stems of flowers. 

1. Let me start by saying I’m sorry if I’m being obnoxious. I’m going to be better. I’m going to make this right, and you want to know why? Because you’re the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m only fully mewhen I’m with you. I’m lost. Let me explain. 

2. You’ve brought me to my knees quite literally more times in my life than I could count. I’m fucking floored by you Marlene and you know it. There’s no forgetting you or getting past you, I see you in everything around me. You’re the brier thicket I can’t squeeze through. (Remember, I think we were eight? You told me you had done it dozens of times and I was considerably closer to your size at the time so I believed you. I tried to follow you through and the thorns shredded my robes. I was grounded for a week and missed you so bad I made house elves deliver you notes.) You’re the wild laughter lodged in the back of my throat threatening to escape in the most wildly inappropriate times. You’re everything there ever was or will be. Nothing compares to you. 

3. You’re the only thing that’s made me think it could be worth the risk. I hate it, too. I hate that I can’t breathe without thinking of you. I can’t laugh without wondering if you’re out there laughing at the same time as me. I can’t listen to stories people tell me without wondering if you would think it’s just as fucking stupid as I do. I know you would. I can’t be me without you, Marlene. I spent six years after you left wandering blindly trying to find myself. Trying to find the answers to the game you and Sirius beat. I’m trying. I wasn’t thinking for myself and my best interest. I was thinking of what would keep Rabbit away from him. Of what would help my friends because god damn, if I couldn’t save myself could I not save them? I can’t—

4. There’s a look on your face you get when I catch you off guard. It’s something innocent and pure and shocked and raw. That’s why I kissed you first, all those years ago. Most of my outrageous tactics you’d learned to anticipate. I needed something to floor you the way you floor me. I spent six years telling myself if you wanted me you’d have crossed that border to speak to me. I knew you couldn’t have been afraid to. We loved you. You know a sorting wouldn’t have changed that, so why didn’t you come to me? I was too much of a coward, I can say that. I was too afraid to present myself to you, and see you turn me down because you’d befriended people who played the hero’s of the story. Because we both know what role snakes play in every great tale. I thought if the day came you saw me as the villain that any chance at redemption would be lost and fuck I know that isn’t true. I fucked up and I’m going to make it right. I just need to explain it to you… 

5. I’ve never wrote a letter to a girl before. I mean, not like these. Not that could fall into the hands of anyone with peaked interest. I’m risking everything  I’m handing you the power to fucking crush me if you think I deserve it. If you need to punish me then I’m giving you that power. All I’ve ever known are power struggles but never with you. So here it is. The power to ruin my reputation. I don’t care. The only thing I care about is you and knowing you’re okay. I need to know you’re okay.