#expectations2018

Girl, come make me feel missed

Make me feel missed

Lesbian Jesus - if you haven't heard that term yet then chances are you aren't paying much attention to LGBT movements in the music industry. I could say in general, but I'm not so certain we're there yet (we probably are). Hayley Kiyoko is the Lesbian Jesus and I couldn't be more excited about my ticket to see her in April. 

You see, like many, I first saw Hayley Kiyoko as the star of the Disney Channel movie Lemonade Mouth. Have I been a fan since then - unfortunately no. The thing is, I've known I was gay for as long as I can remember. I always knew as a child that girls ignited something within me to want to be their very best friend. I was a tomboy and I absolutely hated the outright differences in the way I was treated compared to the boys around me. Little things, like boys getting a high five and fist bump while I got a cute hug made me uncomfortable. Yes growing up as a kid I was the exact image of a stereotypical kid who could easily grow up to be a lesbian. 

While I never fully outright repressed my tomboy character - I completely repressed my desire to love girls. I grew up Catholic and to be gay was clearly laid out to me as a sin. As a child - trying to be a devout Catholic, I knew I had to keep quiet about all the crushes I ever developed on girls. I rejected that part of me so much, I tried to pray it away, I swore to myself I'd take the secret to my grave.

So, when I saw Hayley Kiyoko for the first time - I saw in her exactly what I was repressing in myself. Hayley's character had a rockstar haircut, less feminine clothes and most importantly obvious to me - a gay demeanor. "She's like me", I thought but unfortunately it was the part of me I hated most. "Show no interest in her or people around me will realize how similar we are - they'll know I'm gay if I don't." That's what I thought! Hayley wasn't even out or talked about as a lesbian at the time and I couldn't associate myself with her because of my internalized homophobia. 

So now, after years of having come to terms with who I am and realizing that one day it will bring me more happiness than 'fitting in' ever could, I can't wait to stand in the crowd cheering on Haley just as those students did in Lemonade Mouth. Hell, I'm going to cheer louder and dance along even harder. 

So anyways, just a quick reflection into my own journey of acceptance. Lesbian Jesus put my sexuality into an interesting perspective once before. Today, she's helping me put it into a new perspective and I hope the world hears what she has to say, or not say. This is normal, this should be celebrated just as any other act of love and love yourself - first and foremost. 

Amen.

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed?

unicorns!! 🦄

!!NICE!!!!