@exjerkāĀ Ā asked:Ā Ā Ā that night, when we were at that party, and we said things to each other .... did you mean it?
Ā Ā Ā Ā she smiles for a moment,Ā throwing her gaze towards him jovially,Ā as if itās a joke.Ā as if he asks in passing,Ā in gentle proddingĀ Ā āāĀ Ā she stares at him with the anticipation of a smile,Ā that trademark smile that steve always had a talent for that would make her feel like she couldnāt do or say anything wrong, anything at all.
[Ā Ā WHYĀ DOĀ IĀ FEELĀ SOĀ SMALLĀ ?Ā Ā Ā Ā anĀ oldĀ letterĀ resurfaces,Ā Ā oneĀ sheādĀ writtenĀ yearsĀ agoĀ withĀ noĀ intentĀ toĀ send.Ā Ā itĀ read,Ā Ā inĀ inkedĀ outĀ words,Ā writtenĀ withĀ aĀ redĀ penĀ becauseĀ sheĀ couldnātĀ findĀ anotherĀ oneĀ soĀ lateĀ atĀ night,Ā sheĀ hadnātĀ theĀ energyĀ toĀ searchĀ forĀ it,Ā andĀ sheĀ hadĀ tooĀ manyĀ thoughtsĀ toĀ riskĀ sparingĀ evenĀ aĀ moment.Ā Ā Ā DEARĀ STEVE,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā i never thought, when we stopped talking, that iād think about you so often. that sounds mean to say. thatās alright, you wonāt read this. but i thought, very honestly, i thought it would be easy. because, i thought, or i didnāt, but i did, that there was finally some kind of path, or something, to being happy. itās convoluted. you made me happy. you made me really happy. but it hurt, to look at you. i thought, if i were with you, iād never stop hurting.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āāāāĀ Ā but she finds his expression sincere.Ā and a little hurt.Ā only a lingering feeling;Ā itās been years,Ā after all.Ā itās been,Ā long,Ā there have been,Ā months,Ā time,Ā ages,Ā aching ages,Ā which have been put between the pair of them,Ā years,Ā years,Ā yearsĀ . . .Ā Ā Ā he is genuine in his hunger for an answer.Ā she can tell that much.Ā and suddenly,Ā as the years become compact,Ā and she finds her mind thrust back into her youth,Ā she becomes overwhelmed by the itch to give him one.
Ā Ā Ā Ā teeth graze against her bottom lip as she shakes her head away and loses the light curve to her lips,Ā and turns,Ā herself,Ā serious.Ā mouth hangs agape for a prolonged moment as she searches for the right words to say,Ā because there are many,Ā many that come up now organically,Ā and many that have been sitting atop her brain for the last decade or so,Ā Ā and she hasnāt forgotten them.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā itās not hard to tell i was wrong, because iāve realized, after a few years, you know, it was me. iām the thing that makes me hurt, which really sucks. but i know it because whenever iām with the people i love, i feel sick, like my hands are clammy and my neck is stiff. i feel like itās not supposed to be like that. and thatās how it felt with you, sometimes. thatās how it felt.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ steve . . .Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā voice is soft,Ā nearly a whisper.Ā she speaks his name in the same cadence sheās said it a thousand times before,Ā with the shadow of something deep behind it.Ā with the renewed sense of comfort that came so easily between the pair of them.Ā even now,Ā even with her clammy hands and twisted stomach.Ā Ā Ā Ā ā i hardly,Ā iĀ donātĀ evenĀ āāĀ rememberĀ thatĀ nightĀ veryĀ much.Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā ITāSĀ OBVIOUS,Ā she realizes it nearly immediately as she speaks,Ā that even now,Ā still,Ā after all of this,Ā she still speaks in code so as to protect him.Ā but itās by her own standards.Ā she learned this,Ā from ximena in parts,Ā actually,Ā that she has a terrible tendency to speak so lovingly and so carefully but never say the right thing only because her loving nature is inherently restricted.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā the way nancy speaks is sometimes akin to a mother speaking to a child about death,Ā saving the more horrifying notions for later.Ā speaking so simply that it left the ones she loved feeling left behind.Ā kept in the dark without the need for it.Ā even unaware of her love for them,Ā sometimes.Ā Ā and love she had.Ā love she felt.Ā it was so hard to tell when you were loved by nancy wheeler,Ā but she always knew.Ā she would always catch on to it.Ā it was only that it was hard to say.Ā it was hard to admit.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā it feels so bad, so awful, because i love you. loved you. i donāt know you now, so i suppose . . .Ā i canāt be sure. i canāt say anything presently, because the last we spoke, i knew you, well. you knew me well. and that was very hard to do. i donāt want to presume, now. sometimes i think of you, i think of you a lot, but sometimes i think of you in particular in your own little life. i think of you living, and that makes me happy. which is why i wonāt send the letter, because i like to think that youāre doing well. i like to imagine that. i would never want to ruin that. steve, i want very badly for you to be happy.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā when we spoke that night, i donāt remember it well. but i remember the look in your face when you told me about it the next morning. i remember how hurt you looked, and i knew exactly what i had told you, because i must have said to you everything i had been thinking for the last few months. i must have spewed out things i had always intended to keep quiet. i always felt bad you heard them like that. that was unnecessarily cruel. it wasnāt fair. iām very sorry. iām so sorry about that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ iĀ āāĀ know i meant it,Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā she says,Ā tone like a confession.Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ i knew when you,Ā Ā when you told me about it . . .Ā Ā i meant it.Ā āĀ Ā Ā Ā she canāt meet his gaze,Ā now,Ā because she knows it would have been better to make something up and be insincere.Ā to tell him she didnāt mean it,Ā that she wasnāt convinced at the time that she and him were indescribably doomed,Ā and that they had played so terrible a role in barbaraās death,Ā how stupid she thought it was that they were dancing and pretending and going on.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā GOD,Ā Ā TOĀ GOĀ ON :Ā Ā Ā this was it.Ā this was always it,Ā that it ached to go on.Ā she hated it,Ā so much.Ā so deeply.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āĀ but not,Ā Ā i rememberĀ Ā āāĀ Ā when you told me,Ā youād asked me if i had meant it at the time,Ā when you asked me to tell you i loved you.Ā it was the next day,Ā and i remember you said that,Ā and i always regretted . . .Ā Ā i didnāt,Ā steve,Ā iĀ never could have - haveĀ notĀ loved you.Ā i wasnāt sure,Ā i couldnāt say it at the time,Ā because i felt sick about it.Ā and i thought that meant,Ā with everything,Ā i thought that everything that i said that i had meant,Ā i thought it must have meant,Ā then,Ā that i didnāt . . .Ā Ā maybe i didnāt loveĀ āāāāĀ Ā but i loved you so much,Ā steve.Ā Ā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā i would like you to know, but iāll probably never be able to tell you this myself, that i am happy for whatever life youāre living. i canāt kick the sick feeling of being close to people. makes me itch all over, kinda. but you never had that. you were always so good at that, at loving people. you have that in you, ingrained, i think. you canāt be bad at loving someone even if you wanted to. your heartās so big, steve. iāve never forgotten that. iāll probably never forget that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā for now, iāll send only the most sincere hope from my very unfortunate heart that youāre doing well. that you know love better now. that someone was kinder to you. i want that for you. i want you to be happy.