#exjedi!reader

“Cody, do not try to take the guns from the ground. If you look here,” again he zoomed the map out and then back in towards a towering rock face, “This is a promontory on the south side with a pathway in, that is far more dangerous and will cost an unnecessary amount of our men’s lives if you go in that way on foot. It might look appealing, but it will lead to certain death. Focus on the enemy lines here and here, with our gunships. I believe if we attack from two sides, and break their ranks, we will have a better chance of taking Sarrish back.” 

Cody studied the battle plans, nodding along to what Obi-Wan said. You all knew this was going to be much more dangerous than any battle so far. “Hey Adi’ka,” Gregor leaned in and whispered in your ear, “wanna bet Cody is going to roundhouse a few clankers and have the medbay up in arms about it...again?” You covered your face when a giggle threatened to break out. “Only if you take a bet that Master Kenobi is going to pretend that the 20 cups of caf he’s downed in the last six hours isn’t going to make him vibrate through a wall.” You and Gregor were so busy giggling and cracking jokes that you missed the annoyed look from Cody. “Captain Gregor, Commander, is there anything you would like to add to the briefing? Or are you two finished?” Cody glared at both of you, far too tired and stressed to entertain your joking attitude. Gregor stood up straighter and leaned away from you. “Uh, no. No Marshall Commander. Just, uh, just ready to get in there and break some clankers, is all.” Cody didn’t answer, only raised his eyebrow at you with a glare, detached resentment clear on his face. Though he loved you, there were times you weren't sure he actually liked you. Sometimes you wondered if he would eventually tire of you and move on. The look in his eye and slight sneer of his lip wasn't helping.

   You glanced away, biting your lip, but soon caught the gaze of your Master. “Sorry, Master.” your eyes fell away from the tired look Obi-Wan was giving you and started studying the leather ties on your shoes. “This mission is far more dangerous than what we have dealt with before, my young Padawan. I want you to be as prepared as you can be. One wrong move can cost us our lives.” If there was one thing that could get you to feel like you weren’t doing your best, it was that tone of voice from Obi-Wan Kenobi.

“Yes, Master.”

Obi-Wan and Cody went back to discussing the upcoming battle, going over every inch of the map. You swallowed thickly, trying to fight off the sting of tears in your eyes. You hated disappointing them. But lately it seemed as if that's all you did. Everything you did was wrong and you didn’t know why. You tried to do right, but you were beginning to crack and you were too afraid to ask for help. You were just tired. You just needed a break. All of Foxtrot did. Hopefully, after the campaign, you and your men could get some shore leave. Maybe then you could fix things. Maybe Cody and you could find some common ground. Maybe you wouldn't be such a disappointment to him. Maybe he'd start to like you again.  It also wouldn't hurt to see Rex once more. You missed him.

Gregor glanced at you sideways, eyes soft at your crestfallen look. He knew how much the General and Marshal Commander cared for you, but he also hated how often they forgot that you were only 18. You were just a kid.  They expected too much from you. He was the Clone Commando, not you. Very slowly, trying not to be detected, he scootched towards you, attempting to get close enough to whisper in your ear again without having to lean over. “First one to 500 clankers destroyed wins. Loser buys a round of Fried Endorian Tip-yip?” Your eyes dart to him, but he’s staring straight ahead, feigning interest in whatever Cody is arguing about for drop points. “Ye...yeah.” “Don’t let them be too hard on you Ad’ika. And don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re stronger than you know. And the next time those two make you frown like that, I’m going to call Boss and Sev. We’ll have a conversation with them.” “Thanks, Gregor.” “Of course Ad’ika. I’ll always be in your corner.”

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“Gregor! On me! We have to get back to the ships! Fall Back! Fall Back!” There were explosions all around you, bombs throwing dark sand and shrapnel everywhere, hitting your men. You could taste the burning powder from the shots mix with blood in your mouth and feel the electric ozone dancing on your skin. The dirt and sweat burned your eyes, but still you fought, swinging your saber around, trying to volley blaster bolt after blaster bolt away from your men.  You had made the order to retreat towards the mountain range, but your men were still getting hit, still dying.You could hear the screams and cries, bodies littered across the ground, your heart hurting as you ran past them, unable to help. 

"Mayday! Mayday! This is the Jedi Commander of the 212th, I need immediate evac! West side of the trenches! We're getting killed out here!!" You were screaming into your comm, trying to get some sort of support for your men, trying to get them out. Each breath burned your lungs, making you choke on your words. Gregor caught up and stood behind you, back to back, shooting at the droids who just kept coming. 

You had never seen anything like it, so many spider droids, it was like staring out into the ocean, wave after wave of droids beating against the rocky grounds.Gregor looked over his shoulder at you with sad eyes and made his decision. He grabbed another Clone running by, by the pauldron, and shoved him towards you, “Chopper, get the Commander to the Evac ships! Go, that’s an order!” 

"No!” you screamed, eyes wide and jaw slacked, “No, no, no no! No Gregor, I'm not leaving you!" You tried to argue, he was your best man, your best friend, you were not going to leave him there to die. “Please don’t do this! Please! You have to come with us! You have to come with me! Please, Gregor! Stay with me!”

There was another explosion close to you, causing you all to flinch as dirt was thrown over you. Gregor turned and pulled your forehead to his, pressing you against the plastoid of his bucket. The dirt on your face smeared down as you sobbed, tears falling from your eyes.  You choked on your words, begging him to not leave you, begging him to keep going. 

"It's okay, Ad'ika. It's okay. I'll always be with you." 

He pulled away and pushed you towards Chopper, "Chopper, Go! Get her to safety! That's an order!" 

Then he was gone. You watched helplessly, pulled away towards the retreat, screaming and fighting to be let go so you could go after him. But Gregor ran towards the droids, commando blaster in one hand, vibroblade in the other.

Something shifted, suddenly it was hot, too hot, it ripped the air from your lungs, burning your eyes and nose. You saw them, you saw your Master standing on that ridge, saber drawn crying out to Anakin. “It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!!....You were the Chosen One!” 

You gasped, shallow breaths unable to get air, trying to beg them to stop. You tried to scream, tried to yell out, but no sound came. Everything played out worse than you remembered, distorted in your fear. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” You had to get away, you turned to run, but that angry presence just kept following you. You ran as fast as you could, but it chased you at every corner. It was so malevolent, shrouded in darkness and hatred. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” You couldn’t get away, it was too fast, too vile, it was going to catch you, it was going to catch you and kill you. Your big brother was going to kill you. You looked around you, trying to find a way out, but everywhere was inky blackness, closing in to suffocate you.You tripped on something as you ran and began to fall. You kept falling, plummeting downwards as the voice got louder and closer, screaming for your demise. You couldn’t escape, you couldn’t escape, you were going to die and you couldn’t escape.

"Nnno….nng...Gre….nnoo...need….need….evac….nnnggh….fall….fallback….may….day....Gre...gor…..nnno...Capta….captains...orders….nnnnggh...Ana….nnno….Chose….chosen one…." You were slowly tossing your head back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, hands fisted in the blanket on top of you.

Rex stirred awake, hearing you call out in your sleep. He sat up a bit, watching you fight the old phantoms that still haunted your dreams. His heart clenched. He didn't catch what you said at the end, but he remembered that battle, the horrors of Sarrish, and what they did to you. Cody had called him from the medbay, panicked and distraught, while you were floating in a bacta tank, having taken heavy shrapnel to your entire torso and both legs. He was beside himself in grief, terrified at the possibility that the last thing he ever got to say to you was in irritation at the debrief. That you'd die thinking he was disappointed in you, that he was angry with you. That you'd die not knowing how much he loved you and how sorry he was for how cruel he acted. That you'd die and Cody would be all alone, left to explain to Rex how it was all his fault and that his stupidity and cold attitude killed you.

    They did almost lose you that day. You were almost gone when the evacuation team found you; a barely conscious Chopper cradling you in his arms, trying to shield the both of you from the bombs raining down. You lost all your men in that terrible campaign and were inconsolable for weeks when you finally woke up. That's when the nightmares started. At first, your Master would wake you, sensing your distress over your shared Force bond, but later Cody was always there, always waking you before Obi-Wan could get to you. When Obi-Wan noticed how much calmer you were when you saw Cody first, he would only check on you when the nightmares got to be too much to handle.

 The last time you had this nightmare with Rex, Cody was also there to hold you and wake you up with gentle whispers. He couldn't remember the exact way Cody did it, but he was going to try at least.

"Jed'ika, shhh, it's alright. You're here, you're safe. Sarrish is over. You're safe now Mesh’la. I have you. I'm not letting you go. I'm never letting you go again. You're okay. I promise." Rex ran his fingers through your hair, gently pressed at the furrow of your brow, and slowly opened your clenched fists, trying to get you to relax.

"I have you, my sweet girl. I'm never going to let anything happen to you. Never again. It's okay. It's just a nightmare. It's okay.."

He was waiting for you to shoot awake, like you always did, fear etched on your features and eyes wild. But you didn't. Slowly your breathing calmed and your fists opened up, and you seemed to leave the dream, falling back into a peaceful slumber. Rex smiled at you and kissed your head, laying back down again.

You rolled over and curled up closer to him, just like you used to when in your private quarters. Tomorrow, when the sun was shining and your nightmares were just a figment of the past, he would ask you to accompany him to Seelos. As he cuddled closer and started to fall back asleep, he couldn’t help but smile about the surprise that awaited you there. 

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You felt him stiffen at your words before both of his arms came to grip you tight. He held you against him for a few moments, content to hold you as close as he could.

You sunk in closer to him, reveling in the contact. It had been so long, so very long. And you never wanted to lose this. Neither did he.

"Cyare, if it is, I'm never waking up."

You smiled, placing small, sleepy kisses on his skin.

"I missed you so much, Rex. I never thought...I never thought I'd ever see you again. I thought I lost you like...like..." You couldn’t bring yourself to say Cody’s name. Thoughts of him started playing in your mind, memories of his kiss, his laugh, his touch; but then your treacherous mind brought up the memory of him ordering your death and how cold and heartless he sounded as he tried to kill you.

You rolled over slowly and rubbed your eyes, waking a bit before sitting up. The happiness you had from earlier suddenly turns to melancholy - thick and sticky in your throat; you move away from him, trying to force yourself to not go to those dark places. Your knees come up to your chest and you lean against them, head in your hands, fingers tangled in your hair. You try to remember your meditations, try to ground yourself in your breathing to let this moment of fear pass.

Rex, unsure what caused the change, sits up as well, back against the small wall and head ducked so he didn't hit the ceiling and your little trinkets.

"Talk to me, Jed'ika. Don't block me out.'

He leans forward to put a tentative kiss on your shoulder, before rubbing his hand up and down your back. It's an awkward position, the bed and cubby much too small for him, but he doesn't mind.

You're quiet. A moment passes, and then another, and he feels small tremors in your shoulders, letting him know you've started crying.

He sighs through his nose, eyes full of concern. He hates that he can’t comfort you now like he used too. When you got like this, it wasn’t uncommon for him and Cody to just hold you at night. You had done the same for them countless times.

Softly he whispers your name and tries to bring you back to reality.

"Sweetheart, please, talk to me. Don't go where I can't follow."

"I went to Mandalore." You whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear, but he did.

Rex felt the blood drain from his face and his stomach drop. His hand fell away from you, unsure of what he should do now.

"I went there to look for you. After...after Master Kenobi and I went to the temple. After we escaped. After he...after he tried to stop that...monster, that thing, that took Anakin, that killed him, on Mustafar. I went there and searched for you. I searched for all of you. I knew it'd get me killed, but I had to see you, just once more, even if you were the one who killed me. I looked everywhere. But it was just....it was ash. And dust. And blood. But there was no sign of you, of Jesse, of Ahsoka, of any 501st soldier. You were all gone. And I couldn't find you. And I couldn't find Cody. And then I couldn't find anyone in the Force. They were all gone, everyone, just gone. I was alone. I was so alone. And Hondo, he tried to help, he did, he tried so hard, but I didn't, I didn't know what to do, Obi-Wan was gone, Ahsoka was gone, everyone was gone and Maker Rex, there was so much blood. Everywhere I went there was blood. So, so much blood and death in the Temple, in the halls, in the rooms, bodies everywhere, my friends, my family, they were all dead, strewn across the grounds like they were garbage, bodies of, of, of younglings!

"Younglings, Rex, they, they, they were just slaughtered like, like animals, scattered in the council chamber, and the Halls of Healing...I can still smell it, I can still smell that burning, fetid, sweet stench... and The Corrie, oh Maker the Corrie...they locked it up, Rex, they locked it up and, and, and burned it down. Everything that was important or precious to The Order was burned. Everything was destroyed. And the Clones, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t them, they never would have done this, but it happened and we were hunted down like wild animals by men we trusted; Fox he, he killed so many of us and he loved it, he laughed, Rex, he laughed and he was my friend....and Padme, gods she tried, she tried Rex and ...she...she died...in, in, in my…"

You were sobbing out, choking on your words and breaths, crying at the memories you endured... Finally, you swallowed down a deep, shuddering breath, cutting off your ramblings.

When you closed your eyes, you could see Padme’s face, so serene in death after struggling to birth her children. You pushed the heels of your hands into your eyes, pushing in hard until little bursts of light lit up the darkness, trying to stop the memories. But you could still feel the weight of her lifeless body in your arms. You could see the bloodied corpses littering the floors of the temple; children, friends, teachers, people you knew and loved.

You could see Anakin, still just as handsome as always, but those horrific, yellow eyes that now haunt your nightmares, glowing; that evil that had taken over, clawing at you. You could see him slaughtering the younglings hiding in the Council Chamber, scared and crying, praying for a Master to save them. You could feel the heat of Mustafar and hear him screaming his hatred at Obi-Wan and could smell the putrid, burning flesh of his body as you helped your broken Master up the rocky incline.

And you could see Cody, see him smiling at you, full of love and happiness, hear him whispering his love to you as he handed Obi-Wan his saber with a laugh and you could feel his hands on you as he helped you up onto the varactyl.

You could hear him give the order to shoot you down.

The blanket that pooled in your lap had a growing wet spot from the tears that slipped around the heels of your hands. You took a moment, fingers digging into your hairline and scratching hard, hoping the pain you caused yourself would give you something to purchase on better than meditation did. You took a breath, and another, and another, swallowing down air.

"I've done things, Rex. Things I'm not proud of. Things no Jedi should ever do. I've killed people. I've slaughtered them. I'm no Jedi. Not anymore. That young girl died with Kenobi."

You fell quiet again, eyes closed and head slumped forward with your hands once again tangled in your hair, trying to control your ragged breathing and emotional spiral.

Rex reached out again, slowly, gently. He pulled his hand back for only a moment before gripping your shoulder with a firm touch and pulling you to him. He knew you better than anyone. He knew you didn't need feather-soft touches that dance on the skin. He knew you didn't need to be treated like delicate glass, you needed a firm, strong touch, something to ground you in reality. As soon as your cheek hit his shoulder, you crumbled into sobs, horrible, open-mouthed cries that threw spit and tears all over his tanned skin. He pulled you closer and positioned you to sit in his lap, wrapping one arm around your waist and the other with his hand on your head.

Gently he rocked you, humming some nonsense tune that he made up on the spot. He held you as you cried. Everything you had held in since that night came rushing back. Everything you stopped yourself from feeling as you watched your Master grow smaller and every nightmare you had where you felt Cody fire at you to kill you, everything came out. And Rex was there to hold you through it.