#existential woes

It’s kind of more existential than that, but, of course, I do like having money to live, also.  Being almost thirty and feeling like you’ve accomplished nothing with your life isn’t really fun.  And I also know that feeling.  I’m sorry that things haven’t been going that well for you!  It’s really hard to, I don’t know, beat that kind of thing isn’t a good way to put it, but if there’s a way to break out of that cycle and stop feeling that way, I sure haven’t found it.  Which I’m sure is super reassuring, haha, sorry.

rendingrosencrantz said: yeah, no, i’ve definitely been feeling rather burnt out over fandom stuff lately. I had a stint where I was reading primarily fanfic, and I don’t exactly remember when, but lately, I’ve been reading more non-fanfic stuff. Back on the GR side of reading stuff, as I think of it (bc GR is like, the community where the reading of orig fic m/m stuff is predominant, so like, it’s all somewhat categorized that way in my head)

Look, I've tried this year, I've really tried. I've tried to work hard, to study,to be social, to appreciate what I've got, to be content. 

and I'm not sure it's working.

I'm not saying things are bad, they're not...but they're not what I want either. 

What do I want? I want to care, for once. I want to be worried for real things. I want to have trouble covering my basic needs so I won't worry about all my existential questions. or at least to worry less.

I want to work and be busy and exhausted but in the way that makes you happy because you know you are doing what you want, something you like.

I've felt that before and it actually felt like being alive. 

I'm not sure what any of this means. 

What do I want? How do I get it? Do I want to drop out? or "freeze"? and do what?

What the fuck am I qualified to do? What do I want to do?

I have too many questions and my current situation in life isn't providing me with any answers. 

I'm tired of this city and this people and of Mum being on my case about everything and of her telling me how she is planning on retiring and it all sounds like how much of a burden I am and how she'd be so much better off without me.

and, I don't know, maybe it is time, for me to leave the nest, to try and make it on my own, elsewhere, and get a minimum-wage job and sleep on the streets.

I don't know what I'm saying...(I never know what I'm saying)

I haven't gone for a massage therapy session since early April, and am suffering the consequences. Annoying headaches because of pinched nerves in my neck, lower back aches, and now, for the second day in a row, I'm stuck with some sort of muscle or nerve pain across the back right side of my ribcage. It feels like someone's kicked me. It hurts to move, even to breathe at the worst points, and pain-relieving ointments seem to have no effect on it. Have had to take painkillers to be able to function without groaning and to sleep.

I've had it a couple of times before, it's nothing serious, there's no lasting damage, but as far as I can recall, on previous cases it passed faster. :/

I've got a massage appointment lined up for next week, that will hopefully make it all better. And I found and booked one for mid-September too. Have to get back on track with these. I usually go once a month for 50 minutes. My neck vertebrae aren't properly aligned, so I started getting bad - can't get up from bed bad - neck aches a couple of months into my first office job, went to the doctor, got cool x-rays and told I've got a problem for the rest of my life. Can't fix it, the only way to keep it under control is to exercise a lot to maintain good muscle tone, and get a lot of massage therapy. If I didn't, I'd have chronic pain and develop a hump. It's not so bad, I rarely get aches bad enough to warrant painkillers and bed rest nowadays, largely thanks to the massage therapist I found after trying a couple of so-so ones. She's really good, built as a linebacker and fun to chat with. Which makes it difficult to schedule appointments with her, and it's not particularly cheap either, but considering the effects, it's money well spent. And, admittedly, I get a morbid kick out of hearing my bones crack, and getting praised for good pain tolerance. (Gentle, relaxing massages don't really do much if you've got a real problem.)

.

spring minutes slip by faster than those of its chilly precedent. the finish line is now in plain sight. or i guess the crack of the starter's pistol depending on how you look at it. 

so here i am. library bound and listlessly navigating the world of impersonal connection. a world where there is no "public sphere" nor the silly social conventions that govern it. a glimpse into unadulterated human nature?

but let's be honest. this is at best an earnest ramble. the kind that serve its author more purpose than its readers. nothing more than self-centered catharsis. 

so.

i am a (soon to be former) student. rather privileged and undesirably conscious of it. i cherish knowledge. i'm more extroverted than would like to be. what more is there to possibly know? it seems to have gone something like this... i studied political science. and then somehow laid claim over economics. and then (even less clear as to how this happened) some philosophy. 

but beyond a student, i'm a human. and being born without any choice into this biological caste, i'm plagued with consciousness and its insatiable curiosity. i need a system of order to explain the world around me. uncertainty is scary. explanation, comforting. 

i never imagined i'd have such difficulty coping with moving on from college. it always seemed like a qualm for the simple minded. or something that troubles those who return for every football game with a dignified trophy wife in hand, hoping to relive the glory days.

it may be i'm not ready for adulthood and its accompanied maturity. or perhaps i'm a fool for not eagerly taking advantage of my privileged opportunities. maybe i'm not ready to let go of my callow ideals in return for a jaded self-interest. it could be the bleak prospect of an entry level desk job. or the absence of late night quibbles with fond company. maybe i'm simply ill suited for a nonacademic sustenance. i'm not certain. and if i was i likely wouldn't have the discomforted motivation to write this. 

i suppose i can only be certain of this: i'm not sure where i'm going yet.