#existense

They say, you don't have to think a lot about it. That you just need to be "Yourself". But who am I ? I don't know. What does it mean to be yourself? What is my self? I have never known.

I see people sharing beautiful bonds, having beautiful moments all around me. Their moments of laughter, of fun, are glorious moments of life. They seem so full of life. And I wonder why am I not a part of these smiles and moments. Why can't I laugh like that? And make others laugh like that? Wholeheartedly, genuinely, lively?

Even when I am talking to someone or present in a group, I feel alienated, dissociated. That feeling which keeps yelling at me "I don't belong here". It's like I am looking at myself and these people through a looking glass and I can carefully observe my dissociate awkward alienated self feeling all alone and miserable.

I too wanna laugh a lot. Laugh so much that my stomach hurts. I too wanna have happy memories. Embarrassing moments with my friends. Click weird pictures. Write stupid posts on social media and yell at them. Express my love for them with strange and humiliating bday gifts. Call someone at 3 am and cry my heart out. I too wanna have friends with whom I can share glorious moments. I too wanna live.

She always felt she did not really belong anywhere. She would see wonderful moments, moments of intimacy, moments of laughter, moments of joy, moments of friendship and moments of happiness. But she was never really a part of the moments of being. She was always part of the group and she would smile, and laugh, and indulge, as everyone else did. And everyone thought she was a part of this group, a part of the belonging. But no one had any idea, that she did not feel the same way. She saw these moments from outside, like into a looking-glass. She thought she was present there, at the moment, mingling with others; or at least she wanted to feel that way. She stood there looking at others laughing and enjoying, she pretended to do that too, but all she truly felt was “nothing”. She just did not fit. She wanted to feel that she belonged, but all she truly ever felt was “wrong”, while everyone and everything else was just “right”. She would be standing there, laughing with everyone else, but her insides would be shrieking at her audacity to think that she “belonged” with them. It was like standing outside of yourself and looking at your other self condoning all the pretentious acts but actually feeling hollow inside. And no one really understood this sensation, not even her own self.

Ever since she was a kid, she would continue on with her quotidian life, trying to ignore the building heaviness in her chest and ignoring the hollow that she felt inside her heart, like a void. But there would be a sudden wave of sadness and heaviness that came out of nowhere, and completely engulfed her. She felt completely weighed down by this heavy burden, as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. And then, BOOM! There would be a sudden outburst of tears. She had no idea what was wrong with her or why she cried so often. But at least crying made her feel a little less heavy. It was messy and chaotic but “people don’t like messy”.

No one could understand what ailed her. She did not have any answer to their questions, because she did not know her self. She tried to explain that to others, but people were more keen on forming their own assumptions and trying to force that upon her; rather than really “listening” to what she had to say. That she did not need to know the answers. She had made peace with the way she was, even if it felt wrong, it was just right for her. But that was not enough for others. They pushed her to the edge, constantly disapproving her feelings and sentiments. Constantly prodding her with the “Hows” and the “Whys”. Why do you feel this way? Why do you cry so often? What ails you? What is wrong with you? Why are you always so miserable? Why aren’t you trying harder? Why? Why? Why?

But she did not have any answers. She had been asking the same questions to herself for quite a while now, and she had made peace with not having the answers. But it was not enough for the world.

~ UNFINALISABILITY