#existends

          ❛  As if.  There’s nothing like that out here,  ❜  the answer comes relatively quick,  pointing up at the orange sky and twirling his hand in a loose circle.  ❛  Things like that are for people who have nothing left to believe in.  ❜  coming from sora,  he seemed only slightly less inclined to use the strength of his heart  … although their stubbornness is nearly identical.  he supposes it’s the environment he was put into that led to this seemingly wavering desire to put faith in himself.  ❛  Could you really say you’re that desperate,  knowing who you came from?  Sora  …  he’s too strong-willed for you to rely on things like that.  ❜  xigbar leans forward,  grabbing roxas by the collar  (  hmm  …  isn’t this familiar … )  and pulling him back so he can get nearly right in his face.  ❛  Just worry about yourself,  your friends,  and that nasty ice cream you like.  Why waste time thinking about things that won’t help you when you’ve got your freedom?  ❜

xion’s birthday extravaganza!!  /  accepting holy FUCK  /  @existends​

❛ it’s a wish jar. ❜ he explains hastily once she’s successfully unearthed the gift inside ; stacks of multicolored paper , some pens in different colored inks , and a large glass jar. ❛ there’s this like … thing i read about where you make paper stars and fill the jar up with them. and once you have a thousand in there, your wish will come true. and i thought … i dunno, maybe that could be fun? and you could write something on ‘em before you fold them too , like … a wish, i guess, or something that makes you happy or … anything. if you want. ❜ he laughs , a little embarrassed / a little awkward. ❛ sorry if that’s a kinda lame. i can always run out and buy ice cream instead, if you want. ❜

It’s funny, that he’d worried over a gift — doesn’t he know that he could get her anything (  or nothing at all!!  ) and that she would be elated that he’d thought of her.  If he’d offered nothing more than a squeeze of her hand, she’d have called her birthday more than perfect.

Instead, though, he hands her a gift — wrapped and all! — with pink cheeks and a nervous smile.  It waits in her hands as her surprise rises and crests, her own cheeks burning and her own heart warming, skipping a beat or two.  He got her a GIFT…

She shouldn’t be surprised — she should know, more than anything, that he would do much of anything for her — but she is.  Surprised not at his kindness (  he is good, and she knows that always, even in the many moments when he doesn’t  ) but by the fact that that kindness is directed towards her.  Again, she shouldn’t be.  He cares about her.  HE LOVES HER.  She knows that.  So why does her heart feel so fragile?  Why does her heart feel so strong?

She opens it, of course, with careful hands and a self - conscious giggle on her breath.  Even before he explains what it is, though, Xion is elated at the gift —— she identifies it immediately as something craft related, after all.  And his explanation only deepens her sense of gratitude and joy.  Why is she crying? she wonders, as she feels tears trail down her cheeks.  One falls and hits the lid of the jar.  Why is she crying?

—— Oh.  She gets it.  She has so many wishes.  So many wishes for herself, and for Lea, and everyone, and for him.  For him most of all.  And this — this jar, these paper stars — is a way to keep them safe.  A way to remind herself and the world that those wishes matter.  That what she wants matters.

(  simpler : that she is allowed to want things.  simpler : that she deserves to want things / that she deserves to have wishes come true.  )

“No, no — it’s not lame!”  Her smile is huge, and she hugs the jar to her chest like it is the only good thing in the world.  (  that’s him.  )  “I love it!  I think it’s great.  I — hah, I’m sorry —”  One of her hands leaves the jar to wipe at her eyes.  She giggles, laughter low and true.  “I can’t stop crying, but — but only ‘cause I’m SO HAPPY.”

(  even simpler : she gets to share her very first birthday with him.  )

“Thank you, Roxas.  Thank you.”  She sets the jar down, hands hesitant as though not wanting to part with the gift — but they have, just now, a greater purpose.  She pulls him into a hug, head against collarbone.  Slight shoulders still shudder, but her hands are still and safe.  “I love it.  Thank you so much.  Thank you.”

She kisses him, then — up on the tips of her toes, not thinking about it enough to be shy.  Because it feels right.  Because it’s Roxas, and she loves him.

Because it’s Roxas, and he loves her.

When she pulls away, her hands trace down her arms to take his hands.  Her cheeks are burning and her eyes are bright.  She is so happy.  She is so happy.

       »  @existends .

unprompted !  //  @existends 

     IT’S  A  PLEASANTLY  CLEAR  DAY  in  twilight  town ,  a  nice  change  to  all  the  cloudy  &  snowy  days  they’ve  been  having .  the  slight  warmth  in  the  air  tells  kairi  that  spring  is  finally  upon  them .  it  most  definitely  won’t  come  unwelcome  either .  sure  the  cold  weather  was  nice  but  kairi  has  always  been  an  island  girl ,  even  if  the  islands  wasn’t  where  she  originally  came  from .  like  a  flower  in  bloom  she  flourishes  in  the  heat  &  sunlight . 

      AS  IT  MAY  IT’S  ALSO  finally  warm  enough  to  realistically  go  for  ice  cream  runs  without  her  entire  body  freezing  (  not  that  this  stopped  kairi  or  anyone  else  she  knew  for  going  for  ice  cream  in  the  winter .  no  the  ice  cream  goes  year  round ,  cold  be  damned  ) .  so  that’s  exactly  what  she’s  doing .  she’s  not  alone  however  —  no ,  somewhere  a  little  ways  away  is  roxas  sitting  at  one  of  the  tables  outside  the  bistro  waiting  for  her .

      THOUGH  THINGS  HAVE  SETTLED  between  them  kairi  still  feels  a  little  self  conscious  when  in  his  presence .  she  knows  she  shouldn’t  be .  there’s  really  no  need  for  her  to  feel  nervous  around  him  but  for  so  long  she’s  spent  her  days  fleeing  from  him ,  hiding  from  him ,  terrified  of  him .  she  finds  it  difficult  to  adjust  to  this  change ;  terrified  she’ll  say  the  wrong  thing  or  make  the  wrong  move  &  they’ll  be  back  at  square  one  again .  somehow  they’ve  made  a  good  two  weeks  without  her  messing  everything  up  &  that  alone  is  a  shock  to  her .

      THAT  DOESN’T  MEAN  SHE  DOESN’T  TRY  however .  no ,  throughout  everything  despite  her  own  uncertainty  &  anxiousness  she’s  done  everything  she  can  to  do  everything  as  perfect  as  possible .  though  she  thinks  he  can  sense  her  anxiety  for  he’s  been  surprisingly  gentle  with  her .  not  that  roxas  doesn’t  have  the  capability  to  be  gentle  on  his  own  (  in  fact  kairi’s  witnessed  it  herself  back  before  she  made  everything  complicated .  )  but  she’s  found  him  unusually  tender  as  of  late  —  though  perhaps  she’s  still  getting  used  to  being  around  him  without  them  fighting .

      SHE’S  CURRENTLY  OUTSIDE  THE  ICE  CREAM  shop ,  waiting  to  pay  for  the  two  sticks  of  ice  cream  in  her  hands .  kairi’s  already  eating  the  strawberry  one  for  her  as  the  cashier  rings  her  up  (  perhaps  she  should  have  waited  until  she  got  back  to  roxas  but  the  ice  cream  is  already  starting  to  melt  &  she’s  not  about  to  let  it  go  to  waste  ) .  the  second  ice  cream  intended  for  roxas  is  a  familiar  shade  of  blue .  she  hadn’t  even  needed  to  ask  for  what  he  wanted .  she  may  not  know  everything  about  him  yet ,  but  she  at  least  knows  this ,  knows  it  like  the  back  of  her  hand .

      SHE  FINDS  THAT  HER  HEARTBEAT  is  growing  steadily  faster  as  she  strides  away  from  the  shop  &  towards  the  spot  she  knows  roxas  is  sitting .  it’s  silly  she  thinks ,  to  still  feel  so  nervous  around  him  like  she’s  a  schoolgirl  approaching  her  crush .  but  she  simply  can’t  help  or  control  the  way  that  she  feels  —  the  way  he  makes  her  feel ,  just  as  one  cannot  be  rid  of  the  stars  from  the  sky  or  the  water  in  the  sea .  but  it’s  alright .  she’s  grown  accustomed  to  the  constant  butterflies  in  her  stomach  whenever  he’s  around .  she’s  well  acquainted  with  the  flushed  cheeks  &  rapid  heartbeat  whenever  he  takes  her  hand  in  his .

      HOWEVER  HE  ALWAYS  SEEMS  to  find  a  way  to  surprise  her  &  sweep  her  off  her  feet .  she  should  also  be  used  to  this  by  now  but  she’s  not .  roxas  remains  forever  unpredictable  &  it  continues  to  be  both  frustrating  &  absolutely  delightful  at  the  same  time .  most  of  her  life  she’s  surrounded  herself  with  people  she  knew  &  understood  better  than  her  own  self .  she’ll  admit  it’s  a  surprisingly  pleasant  change  to  be  with  someone  she  can’t  quite  predict  perfectly .  she  hopes  he  feels  the  same  way  about  her  too .

      WHEN  SHE  REACHES  HIM  there’s  an  absentminded  smile  across  her  lips  that  only  widens  when  she  sees  him  turn  to  face  her  &  grin  at  her .  she’s  not  sure  if  it’s  the  spring  sun  or  her  own  shyness  but  she  swears  it’s  grown  several  degrees  hotter  in  the  last  few  seconds ,  a  light  dusting  of  pink  across  her  cheeks  as  she  sits  in  the  empty  chair  beside  him .  ❛    here ,  ice  cream’s  on  me  today .    ❜

     OH ,  &  DAMN  HIM .  he  still  knows  how  to  knock  the  wind  out  of  her  (  she  wonders  if  he  does  it  on  purpose  or  if  he  even  knows  how  she’s  effected  by  him ) ,  leaning  in  toward  her  as  he  takes  the  ice  cream  to  press  a  gentle  kiss  to  her  cheek .  she’s  so  incredibly  winded  she  almost  doesn’t  hear  the  “   thanks ,  kairi .   ”  he  whispers  in  her  ear .  her  heartbeat  momentarily  stops  &  she  feels  her  entire  face  heat  up .  she  almost  drops  her  ice  cream  in  her  own  shock .

     IT’S  A  FIRST  KISS  —  well  not  really .  in  fact  they’ve  shared  multiple  kisses  prior  to  this  one .  but  it’s  the  first  real  kiss  since  everything  that’s  happened  between  them .  she  shouldn’t  be  so  surprised  they  are  in  fact  together  as  one  would  say  (  she’s  not  quite  sure  what  the  exact  terms  they  are  at  this  point .  she  feels  hesitant  to  call  him  her  boyfriend  since  it’s  really  been  so  soon .  though  perhaps  that’s  a  conversation  for  a  different  day .  right  now  she’s  content  just  spending  time  with  him  ) .  they’ve  already  been  quite  open  &  affectionate  at  times ;  what  with  the  hand  holding  &  occasional  snuggling .  but  this  is  different  or  at  least  it  feels  different .  she’s  not  used  to  being  kissed  without  her  initiating  it .  this  is  all  so  new  to  her .

      AS  HE  PULLS  AWAY  kairi  finds  herself  beaming ,  her  face  as  red  as  a  tomato  as  she  chuckles  nervously .  she  holds  her  free  hand  to  the  spot  where  he’d  kissed  her ,  blinking  in  disbelief  as  she  attempts  to  come  back  to  her  senses .she  feels  light ,  light  as  a  feather  as  she  releases  a  breath  she  hadn’t  known  she  was  holding  in .  she’s  not  sure  what  to  do  or  say  but  simply  stare  at  him  with  wide  eyes  before  looking  down  at  her  ice  cream  in  her  own  embarrassment .  ❛    i ,  uh  —  anytime .    ❜  she  mutters ,  talking  more  to  the  ice  cream  than  to  him .  

      WITH  HER  FREE  HAND  she  shyly  reaches  for  his  other  hand ,  giving  it  a  squeeze  as  she  takes  it  in  hers .  perhaps  she  ought  to  kiss  him  back ,  reciprocate  the  affection  &  show  him  just  how  he  makes  her  feel .  though  right  now  she’s  too  flustered  to  do  more  than  hold  his  hand  across  the  table .  hopefully  he  doesn’t  mind .  

phone meme     /       accepting      /      @existends

so is mine, she doesn’t say.

instead : she looks at him / keeps looking at him / mirroring the tilt of his head and the angle of his mouth and the whole of him, the entirety of him for all that he remains sprawled and she, half curled. they share space / his space / this room in twilight town with the windows wide open and his homework sprawled on the floor between them and before him and the sun as set outside and darkness sprawls, broken by his ceiling light. off in the distance she can hear the tram running, slow and quiet and soothing / and in here is him : far more infinite than the stars washed out by the dim lights, than all the worlds, than all the universe.

there is something tired in the lines of his face and the light in his eyes and the whole of his form. there is something tragic about him —— there has always been something tragic about him. about the struggle to exist. about the struggle to live. about the loss of the battle / the setting of the sun / night stretching until the sun rises once more.

she had been watching him, quiet and subdued and curled into herself ( curling into herself still, curling into herself now ) as he made his way through his school work and she marveled and marvels over the concept of attending school and the wish thereof. she doesn’t understand and doesn’t presume to understand the compulsion —— it’s his life, she knows. the remnants of the life that he had. or thought he had. or wished he had.

the life she crafted, all for him. the life which hurt him. the life that he can never have.

the chasm between them and their existences stretches and stretches and stretches and it’s a wonder that they are so tightly intertwined with each other ( she cannot imagine a world without him / cannot imagine an existence without him / cannot imagine —— ) yet so very far apart, all at once. he shines and she fades and she watches him as shadows stretch and she waxes and wanes.

❝ a bit, ❞ her head is cushioned against his mattress and this room smells like him and doesn’t and when she appeared in his window ( walking through the front door would require an explanation that she doesn’t have besides : i want to be with him, i want to be with him, i want to be with him / somehow she doubts that hayner’s parents would accept that so late in the night ) he had barely reacted, as if he had been waiting for her. as she had been waiting for him.

and she has never been in the habit of lying and she has never been in the habit of lying to him, especially —— and this quiet truth is something that he’s expecting, surely. that he knows that she’ll admit. that he knows she won’t censor —— she censors nothing at all, not even you were never meant to exist, roxas. she knows he knows and the wry and melancholic smile that pulls at his mouth doesn’t surprise her and the drawl of his voice as he says, ❝ gee, thanks, ❞ doesn’t surprise her and she’s no gentler no harsher, curled before him and watching him do his homework / watching him watch her.

there is movement downstairs : water shutting off / a refrigerator door closing. achingly domestic and simple and normal. she wonders —— if he wishes for a normal life, rather than a complicated existence entangled with an age long war and an age long struggle and the sun and a princess and a ghost and all of the spaces and people and struggles in between.

❝ but it’s yours, ❞ a faint curve of her mouth and she shifts her gaze to the open window and beyond and the dark sky above and the infinite worlds that stretch above and around them ; more finite than him. than roxas, who the universe wants so sorely that it weeps for him when he leaves / and rejoices when he returns, blazing and burning and glorious once more. ❝ and it’s strong. ❞

she imagines a falling star streaking across the sky / so morbid a thought, when stars are worlds and worlds falling calls for a hero to come save it from its ashes / and she turns to look at him again and he’s watching her, still. there is a chasm between them and it’s endless and yawning and crumbling and she reaches out out to him, still. reaches out to him, always. because he’s roxas. because he’s him.

❝ i like your soul, roxas. just the way it is. ❞

( and she thinks of don’t ever change, sora. and she thinks this isn’t quite the same. and she thinks she’s okay with that. )

His ice cream was melting onto his pants - did that boy eat anything else besides ice cream? - a wide blue puddle dribbling down his knee and over his SHOE before he noticed. He probably hadn’t been listening to their conversation for a while: Aerith had been getting a little chatty, and had herself failed to notice that he’d only been replying in dull “uh-huhs” and “uh-uhs” while she was going on and on about the Committee. The way she saw it, he probably had a LOT on his mind - being independent for the first time must be overwhelming.

“It’s ALRIGHT; you’ve got a busy life, Roxas. You can’t always be on.”

      SHE  HAD  A  HAND  IN  their  undoing  of  course ,  perhaps  more  than  she’d  like  to  admit .  but  she  can’t  drown  in  her  guilt  anymore ,  she  can’t  hide  from  what  she’s  done  or  what  he’s  done .  it’s  been  going  on  too  long  for  that .  she’s  tired  of  running ,  she’s  tired  of  feeling  like  a  deer  in  headlights  every  time  she  sees  him ,  she’s  tired  of  completely  losing  herself  every  time  she’s  in  his  presence .  this  needs  to  end .  &  if  she  needs  to  be  the  one  to  end  it ,  so  be  it .

      IT’S  EARLY  IN  THE  MORNING ,  when  she  steps  out  of  her  apartment  she  finds  that  the  city  streets  of  twilight  town  are  nearly  deserted .  she  thinks  she  prefers  it  that  way ,  at  least  at  this  present  moment .  she  walks  with  a  determined  gate  down  the  stone  covered  streets ,  ready  to  possibly  again  meet  her  demise .

     HAYNER’S  STILL  IN  HIS  PAJAMA’S  when  he  answers  the  door ,  looking  rather  confused  &  bleary  eyed .  maybe  kairi  should  have  let  him  know  she  was  coming  beforehand  ---  no ,  it’s  better  this  way .  she  doesn’t  want  any  chance  of  roxas  trying  to  make  a  run  for  it ,  not  that  she  thinks  that  he  would .  

      KAIRI  MAKES  HER  WAY  INTO  the  house  &  up  the  stairs .  she  has  no  trouble  locating  his  room ,  she’s  been  here  before .  she  wonders  if  he’s  even  awake  as  she  wraps  her  knuckles  against  the  wooden  surface  of  the  door .  no  answer .  she  knocks  again ,  no  answer .  she  finally  decides  she’s  through  with  politeness  &  just  opens  the  damn  door .  

      ROXAS’  ROOM  IS  MORE  UNTIDY  since  she  last  saw  it .  she  wonders  if  that  has  anything  to  do  with  what’s  been  happening  lately  or  if  he’s  just  a  habitually  messy  person .  she  doesn’t  spare  much  time  to  look  at  the  room  before  she  turns  her  attention  to  the  pile  of  several  blankets  curled  up  on  the  bed .  there’s  so  many  blankets  she  wouldn’t  even  know  someone  was  in  there  except  for  the  fact  that  she  saw  the  pile  twitch  when  she  entered  the  room .  she  sighs ,  crossing  her  arms  to  her  chest .  in  a  quiet  voice  that  holds  no  tenderness  or  gentility ,  only  coldness  &  seriousness ,  she  says  ❛     roxas  ---  we  need  to  talk .    ❜