#excstasy

- Lemme feel you.

- You`re going to regret this.

- What is it so scary that you can do that could possibly make me regret this? I know what I`m doing, or at least I pretend to. You`ll feel better. Or at least different, I promise. So what do you say, ha?

- I`m going to regret too.

- It`s worth it.

- Come. Closer, dummy, I won`t bite. Although I might. Stretch your hand, yes, right in there. Feel it, throbbing? It`s not used to so much attention. Ouch, careful. Oh. Now get it out. I mean, not your hand, but what you`re holding in it.

- It`s so messy and bloody, did it hurt?

- Yes, it does hurt, even now. Let me show you. This, you see this line? Look closer.

- Woah, how come I see the road there?

- That`s my path. I`m trying to stay on it. But the forest around... It is so attractive and has so many little paths I could step on...They sometimes intersect with my road, leading me aside, especially during the dark dark nights. Sometimes I spend so much time in there that I no longer know where I am and where I am supposed to go. I even went on someone else`s path. Nice man he was, with a whip and a torch. It helped him to not lose his way, but attracted too many strangers. That`s what he had a whip for. Unfortunately, I was one of the strangers for him.

So I went back to my own path, you see it, the tiny curved thing close to the chasm? That`s where I walked. Step by step.

How do I recognize my own? I feel like home there. I know it`s hilly and has a lot of obstacles, but what fun could possibly be there without it? That`s what I thought. Sometimes I get so lonely I let forest creatures, who got beside me by the pure chance, walk aside. We entertain each other by nice talks. Share what we`ve seen. Some of them sometimes come back, when there is something to give each other.

- It is so complicated. Why wouldn`t you organize it?

- You want it to be easy? What a bore.

- Okay, okay, got you. Do whatever you want. Do you mind telling me one more thing today?

- What is it that you want to know?

- I see the deserted land, right over there, the forest line ends before it stops being so narrow.

- Oh, that`s a place where we`ve met.

- Who “we?”

-I`ll tell you later. Now put it back. I`ve got some stuff to add.

As you may or may not know MDMA is being pushed by many doctors as a legal treatment for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and even marriage counseling.

B and I have been regularly bonding over this for about 2 months or so. and let me be the first to say I was adamantly against most drugs (i mean i am an avid stoner for sure but anything harder than that i was never down for)  

But once i got over the fear of consuming a drug that was a bit more intense than anything i was used to. I did a shit ton of research on to make sure i wouldnt die, and then i just took it one day and tried not to worry about it. 

B and I almost treat rolling like its our biweekly date night. 

Tonight was roll night, and it was seriously the most beautiful bonding experience i have ever had.  the way B was looking into my eyes like he could just read my soul. and he held me in what i can really only describe it as if he just wrapped me up in all of his love. warm and fuzzy and just overwhelmingly grateful for this truly magical man. this man who has seen me in some pretty bad places and helped me learn to pick myself up. 

i dont think i have ever been with someone who has loved me in the same way B loves me. someone who WANTS to hear what i think. who WANTS me to have goals and dreams and plans for myself. He allows us to work through issues by being so open and upfront about everything with me that there has rarely even been a disagreement. 

this man loved me when i didnt even love myself. and he has showed me how a partner should make you feel. and i owe it all to miss molly. without MDMA i doubt i would have ever opened up enough to share myself with him and i would have continued to hide for fear of being hurt, 

now i know i am beautiful. and i have worth. and at the end of the day no matter what, B is gonna be there.