The amount of distrust and suspicion I carry with me at all times is genuinely controlling my life. It’s taking over how I treat everyone, how I perceive the world, it’s just making me so……. negative? Skeptical? I’ve always been this way, but because I have had so many reasons to solidify this belief and conclude there are no reasons to trust anyone, it’s like my hope for healthy connection has died. And that’s just with trust, not even taking into account other values or categories of morality. I just do not have the ability to trust, it’s been totally knocked out of me by every interaction I have with people. Being naturally distrusting with a lifetime of confirmation… it’s inevitable for trust to erode entirely. But it’s awful because more than anything I want to trust someone and feel safe and secure, but no one seems to think you’re worth honesty or transparency. It’s like living in a funhouse room of mirrors where people are constantly trying to manipulate your reality and shield you from information and secrets they’d prefer to keep, and you’re desperately grasping at reality. This is a constant struggle. I just want to know what the reality of life is, what’s in front of me, and people don’t allow you to. And then you seem insane and unstable for being as honest as one allows you to be, like authenticity is off-putting for people. It’s uncomfortable and like “autistic”-seeming. Like you’re totally out of bounds and need to display some tact. Idk. People paradoxically confuse the shit out of me because they always choose the most baseline, low, predictable behaviour. It’s like. A contradiction
