The Pitt Headcanons | Reader is a Chronic Flirt and the ER Has Opinions
Reader isn't serious. That's the important thing.
This isn't some grand seduction plan. You're not trying to date anyone.
You just happen to think life is more fun when people are slightly flustered.
Unfortunately for the ER staff, they are your favourite victims.
This is a work of fanfiction based on The Pitt. I do not own The Pitt or any related characters or settings; all original material belongs to their respective creators.
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Dr. Abbott
Dr. Abbott is by far your easiest target
You compliment him once and discover that the tips of his ears turn pink
It's over for him after that
"Morning, doctor"
"Morning"
"Looking handsome today"
Immediate ear blush
Immediate
He tries so hard to pretend it doesn't affect him
It absolutely affects him
You start dropping compliments at random times just to watch him malfunction
The worst part? He never knows what to say
Not because he doesn't appreciate it
Because by the time he's figured out a response, you've already wandered off looking pleased with yourself
Everyone notices
Especially Dana
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Dr. Robby
Dr. Robby is dangerous because he doesn't get flustered
He gets even
The first time you call him pretty, he simply smiles and keeps walking
The second time, he decides to participate
Which was a mistake
For you
"Need anything else, doctor?"
"Depends"
"On?"
"Whether you're offering"
Then he walks away
You stand there staring after him while your brain attempts to reboot
He thinks it's hilarious
Unfortunately, he's right
By the end of the month, you've accidentally started a competition
Nobody knows who's winning
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Dana
Dana treats your flirting the same way she'd treat a mildly annoying weather event
Completely unbothered
"Dana, you're the most beautiful person in this ER"
"I know"
"That wasn't supposed to work"
"And yet"
You never win
Ever
Dana has been dealing with people longer than you've been alive
She sees every compliment coming from three rooms away
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Mateo
Mateo immediately starts flirting back
Aggressively
It becomes impossible to tell who's joking anymore
Everyone else regrets it
"Miss me?"
"You left four minutes ago"
"Longest four minutes of my life"
"You're obsessed with me"
"Correct"
Neither of you breaks character
Santos threatens violence at least once a shift
{----------------------------------}
Mel
Mel laughs
Every
Single
Time
You could tell her she's gorgeous
You could tell her she's the highlight of your day
You could tell her she's the reason the sun rises every morning
Mel would just start laughing
Which somehow makes you try harder
The smile she gets afterwards is always worth it
{----------------------------------}
Santos
Santos reacts to flirting the way a suspicious stray cat reacts to affection
Deep distrust
Immediate concern
"You're pretty"
"What do you want?"
"Nothing"
"Liar"
The thing is—
Santos secretly finds you funny
She just refuses to give you the satisfaction of knowing that
The occasional smirk is all you get
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Whitaker
Whitaker is a disaster
A complete disaster
The easiest person in the ER to fluster
You tell him he looks nice one time and the poor man nearly forgets his own name
"I like your hair"
"My—"
"Your hair"
"Right"
Long pause
"I have hair"
You have to physically walk away because laughing in his face feels mean
Santos never lets him live it down
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Ellis
Ellis acts like she's immune
She's not
She just refuses to give you the reaction you're looking for
Which somehow makes you more determined
"You look nice today"
"I always look nice"
"Confident"
"Accurate"
The two of you spend most conversations trying to outsmart each other
It's less flirting and more verbal sparring
Neither of you would admit how much fun you're having
{----------------------------------}
McKay
McKay notices what you're doing immediately
Immediately
She spends an entire shift watching you work your way around the ER
Then eventually corners you
"So"
"So?"
"You flirt with everybody?"
"Not everybody"
"Everybody"
She starts listing names
Unfortunately, she's correct
You have no defence
{----------------------------------}
Javadi
Javadi is somehow even worse than Whitaker
At least Whitaker eventually recovers
Javadi just freezes
Entirely
"You're adorable"
Silence
"Javadi?"
More silence
You can physically see her trying to process what just happened
After that she becomes deeply suspicious of every compliment you give her
Which only makes you want to give her more
{----------------------------------}
The ER's General Opinion
After a while, everyone figures out that you flirt with literally everyone
Nobody is safe
Not the doctors
Not the nurses
Not the med students
Not the attendings
Eventually people start keeping score
Nobody knows what the score means
Only that Whitaker is losing
Horribly
The only person who genuinely seems to enjoy the chaos as much as you do?
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Okay, I have this weird scenario in the fic "Preying on you tonight" where you said that Steve was the biggest and strongest alpha on campus, but what if he wasn't? What if there was this alpha that happened to be a professor (Andy Barber or Ari Levinson 😘) that was bigger and stronger than Steve, but not nearly as mean or evil as Steve, witnessed Steve beating up poor Peter and harassing omega reader. What if he smells Reader's scent and the possibility of her being his mate may come up? What if he found out Steve was making Reader do his homework and bullying her? What do think he would do?
My guess Steve would already be 6 feet under.
Oooh how about DILF alpha professor Andy and DILF alpha chairman of the university board of directors Ari 😏😏
Alpha professor Andy is checking Steve’s essay and realises the writing style is really similar to your essay, so he brings you in to have a “talk” and when he sees you’re marked… he gets even more incensed
And he threatens to report you for cheating (Steve comes from a rich family and pays the university a lot so he won’t be expelled but you will and Andy knows this) and he called in his friend Ari who is the chairman and both of them agree that they’ll let it slide if you spend one night with them (and they don’t care that you’re already mated)
