#ex lutheran

You know, I think I should be allowed to say that repeating that I am, "by nature sinful and unclean" and, "justly deserve Your present and eternal punishment" at least once a week during my formative years might have something to do with my mental health issues. And Yet.

thinking about crying in church pews, watching the bill nye evolution debate under my covers at midnight in 8th grade, “we would’ve stopped it if we knew it was that bad”, how my old church bailed out a child sex offender because he said he didn’t do it, how he actually did do it, i still get emails from their art program, i couldnt join the church as a member if i wanted to, how the sanctuary unlit looked so different from the mega church it really is, how i had two completely different experiences in two different churches at the same time, how my brother is still in pictures on our old school’s website, how i can still smell the hallways, how imposing the stained glass jesus looked, how i can virtually tour the school’s halls and have a bad memory in every room, how they can still expel you for being gay, how they make each family volunteer 20 hours a year now, how the work i did there would’ve made that in a month, how my ex and i went to a basketball game for her sister together and our parents got emailed saying it was inappropriate- even though we both graduated, how the handbook says “Even if they cry and scream, children don’t have a right to privacy when it comes to the parent/child relationship”, how many church camps i went to- and how i dont think i avoided crying at a single one, how the only time i felt anything other than guilt was sitting on the stage of a concert and staring at the lights, how i’ve had a panic attack every time i go back, how i was terrified of death at age 8 because i thought i’d go to hell, how the first thought i had upon learning my sister had delays was whether or not she’d go to heaven, how heaven never felt real but hell always did, the video we watched when I was 10 where a girl (8) was told she had to do a blood transfusion to save her brother (10) and she asked the doctor after it was done “when will I die now”, how i was told very young that if a school shooter came and said i had to deny god or die i was to die, how the teacher that abused me taught me how to draw the only thing i can still draw, how my school took us to one of the largest cathedrals n the country and wouldnt let us do communion with them because our school was lutheran and they were catholic, how i could keep going for hours