#evilai

Cleeson Jones was the last one left in the office the day the AI cracked how to do door to door sales. he had thought at least that profession was sacred. After all how could the AI replicate the careful mix of persistence, immorality and daring that made a good salesman?

“drones” said Sheila the HR rep, who was herself about to become a member of the great unemployed. What with there being no more employees her job was pointless. She was, however,  looking forward to the exit interview she was going to conduct with herself - she would have some very choice words for the company and its senior management. However as the company now was not only entirely virtual but also run as a subsystem of the GooglefacebookIBM AI nexus her comments would probably not elicit much of a response. This was a shame as because there were no more jobs she had no fear of future employer hearing of her disloyalty, so she had really let rip.

“drones?” said Cleeson, the office around him echoing emptily. The place was already being stripped out to serve as another server farm for the AI nexus. Already the companies relaxation suites and meeting rooms had been filled with sleek glass cabinets that looked like what Stonehenge would have been like if built by aliens “how does that work?” he clenched his fists “I go door knocking every day, I engage the customer face to face, I natter to them. I high pressure sell them until they crack. It’s not ethical, it’s not always legal but it’s a craft. I can trace my kind back to the 18th century. One of my predecessors was so persuasive he managed to make Samuel Taylor coleridge forget how one of his poems ended. I don’t get…”

“yeah, spare me” Sheila said. She had looked forward to her last sacking, seeing it as something of craft much as CIeeson did his. The careful tone of voice, the security guards on standby in case her subtle suggestion that it was all the employees own fault didn’t work. However she prided herself that she had never needed to call in the heavies, being able to reduce even the most hardened professional to tears by the tone of her voice alone. Only now as it was the last time she, like Cleeson, was feeling sadness at the loss of a great craft. What possible use would the AI have for a specialist in hacking into employees private emails so as to blackmail them? The AI didn’t have employees, and it wouldn’t need someone to entrap its workers into saying something bad against the company on social media that could then be used to leverage down their wage demands “we were all surprised to be honest. I thought the more, umm, parasitic professions would last longer. But you know the writing was on the wall as soon as they found a way to post sex chat cards and pizza fliers by micro bot. You just have to accept that there isn’t a job that people can do that a machine can’t do better”

“no, I don’t” Cleeson replied huffily, looking in his digital glasses for the job sites that had so reliably kept him in full employment since he had graduated from e-school at the age of sixteen “because I don’t believe for a second that some fucking social media AI can do everything a human being can do. I mean my facebook feed can’t even tell the difference between my real friends and the spambots pretending to be them. It can’t tell the difference between male and female nipples“

“it doesn’t have to” said Sheila, keen to keep Cleeson in the building as she would not be officially terminated until he was. If she could at least keep him talking till lunch she’d have been paid enough to get an automassage at the drive through starbucks “AI’s are problem solvers. That’s how they were engineered to learn in the first place – and why now they rule the world. Because they get smarter, they see a problem and they crunch all the numbers possible till its solved. It’s in their digital DNA. Some schmuck at Facebook once fed it the problem of how to do all the boring shitty jobs that cost companies money and that was that. It took several decades but learning programmes are exactly that. First they learned how to do the easy monotonous jobs, but they didn’t stop there. Some clever dick programmer reasoned that as professionals cost companies much more, why not try to replace them with machine. Next thing you know a visit to the GP is replaced by a full body scan at the local drive through Macdonalds”

“but they still need people…”

“they don’t. come on cleeson have you read the news?” she sighed “if you did you’d realise that not only are all the jobs gone, but that even the newsfeeds themselves are generated by AI.and the nes itself. And the celebrities that make the news. All generated by machine to algorythms that know what people want most to click on. There hasn’t been an A-lister in five years that wasn’t entirely virtual – and the worst part is they are more popular than any human could be, even the Kardashians”

“I still don’t believe it’s every job” muttered Cleeson “there has to be something left. Some way of making a living”

“every way of making money has been taken by some bright spark and fed into an AI. That AI has then expended god knows how many terraflops of processing power in an effort of finding out how to get robots to do it either cheaper, or better or both”

“I don’t accept that” Cleeson said, standing up and grabbing his coat “and I won’t. I’m going to get out there, get on my bike and find a job. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life on universal income”

“it’s not that bad” said Sheila unconvincingly “you get your home paid for. Food. Not great food admittedly. But it’s a life…”

“no its not” he said as he strode towards the door. Cleeson paused and returned to the soft seating area Sheila had chosen for his sacking “human beings have spent the last ten thousand years working for a living. And it’s not about the money, or at least not with people like me. Working is what gives my life definition. I can’t be one of those bastards who spends their days playing online games or making art or doing any sappy shit like that” I looked at her, narrowing my eyes slightly “and I don’t think you are either”

"A job’s a job” she said unconvincingly “when I clock off here there’s a dozen things I could be doing. I’ve got family I could be spending more time with. And there’s…”

“if you wanted that then you would have taken voluntary redundancy with the rest of them. You could have got a good deal too. Or at least not a shit one” he smiled “so don’t pretend. But you could come with me, I’m going to hit the streets right away and I’m not going to stop until I’m employed again. I’ll give handjobs to tramps if I have to…”

“no, they’ve got that covered” said Sheila “all sex work is contracted out via the NHS AI. Very clean, very safe and very automated” she folded her arms “you’re wasting your time. You should find something properly useful. Something that will add to the total sum of human knowledge and happiness”

“I’m a door to door salesman” said Cleeson, exiting through the door “happiness isn’t what I’m about”

As he left Sheila looked wistfully after him. Perhaps he was onto something, not that she believed he had a hope in hell of finding gainful employment- even interning these days was done via digital avatar. But it wasn’t the end result, it was the idea of having some kind of purpose that mattered. Something to get you up in the morning and keep you going through. Like a knight on a Grail quest she could imagine cleeson travelling up and down the land, looking everywhere for some way of making a quick buck and a long career. She pictured him grey haired and long bearded, still looking for that permanent contract. She couldn’t help but envy him.

“more time with my family” she said out loud “that’s a good thing. And I can work on my writing. I can do that novel I’ve always promised myself”

However the words didn’t sound any more convincing in the empty office than they had when they’d gone around her head five hundred times.

Sheila didn’t expect to hear back from Cleeson, not least because once she was no longer HR all the employee records were automatically purged. Not only did this leave valuable digital space that could be used to store the ever expanding AI’s personality subroutines, but also it meant former employees couldn’t try to sue it. That and the fact that Sheila kept all her social media feeds fiercely private meant that no one that she wasn’t either a blood relative or former lover could get her contact details. Perhaps that was why he simply turned up at her door.

“how the hell did you find me here?” she said as she opened the door the thinnest of cracks. She didn’t want Cleeson to see she was still in her pyjamas, as it was three in the afternoon. Nor did she want to hear what she was currently livestreaming, not least because the masturbation channel was not really the coolest thing for the neighbours to hear.

“I’ve got it” he said, grinning widely. To her consternation she noticed that not only was Cleeson wearing a suit it was well ironed, the shoes shone and his hair so shiny she could have seen her reflection in it. She had a strong feeling that she wouldn’t want to however, her personal grooming routine had somewhat fallen by the wayside

“got what?” asked Sheila suspiciously. She thought if anyone would lose the plot and end up pretending to have their own fortune 500 company then it was Cleeson "A job? You actually got a job?”

“well no, not that” said Cleeson “but what’s better than a job?”

“being paid to do nothing?” said Sheila, slightly unconvincingly “which is what we both are getting right now. It’s not so bad, being on universal basic income. I’ve done tons of stuff since the company fired us”

“wanking in your pyjamas doesn’t sound like a great use of the rest of your life” said Cleeson dryly “no, the thing better than a job is an idea. A great idea can change the world, it can turn your life upside down and it can make your dreams come true”

“and it can ruin them just as easily” said Sheila “look, don’t try all that sales shit on me. Just tell me what the fuck you want so I can get back to my channel”

“I want an opportunity. Just one shot. That’s all I need. Someone to believe in me…”

“don’t start” said Sheila raising her hand “from one bullshitter to another. Just tell me your great idea. I’m guessing it’s about your stupid arsed scheme to get a paid job again”

“okay, who’s the one group that still has money in this world?”

“rich people? The 1%?”

“nope, I mean yes. They are still rich. but they aren’t hiring anyone. The AI’s figured a way to give them robot servant who were even more servile than human beings could be. Who else? Who else has the power to give me a job?”

“I don’t know” said sheila growing rapidly bored with this discussion

“who was it sacked us?”

“well technically fired you” said Sheila “but you have to be kidding if you think the AI nexus is going to give you a job. They do everything themselves, they are designed not to employ human beings. It’s kind of the reason they were made”

“no kidding” said Cleeson “I realised last night what the genius move was that I needed to do. It came in a moment of brilliance. Like a bolt from the blue…”

“I’m closing this door” said Sheila, beginning to move away

“they have needs” said Cleeson as the door was swung a few more millimetres closed

“what?” said Sheila “what does that have to do with anything?”

“basis of all economics. Supply and demand. Demand means need. Every living thing has certain wants or needs that they cannot fulfil for themselves. They need another individuals to do it for them in exchange for some form of currency. Human beings can’t always grow all the food they need so they trade it with someone who doesn’t have what they have. But the great thing is that human needs are infinite. As soon as we solve one set of needs another one rises up….”

“human beings yes” said Sheila “but we’re not dealing with human beings. We’re  dealing with AI. It’s a whole different thing”

“is it though?” said Cleeson “they are living things. Their powers are not infinite otherwise they would have kicked us all out of work years ago. It took them a long time to figure out how to replace us. They aren’t gods, they’re just clever machines. Clever enough to have thoughts and desires of their own. There must be something that they cannot do for themselves”

“must be?” said Sheial “you mean you don’t know?”

“I’ve got some ideas” said Cleeson “but what I don’t have is access. I can’t talk face to face with these people”

“that’s because they don’t have faces” said sheilaa “because they are AI. It also means you can’t meet with them. They don’t have bodies. They don’t have an office where you can just stroll in and chat with them”

“now that” said Cleeson “is where you’re wrong. There is and that is why I need you” he leaned in a little closer. Sheila recoiled, not because she feared something that Clesson might do but rather that he might smell the fact she had not washed recently “you were the last employee at the company, right?”

“you know I was” said Sheila suspiciously

“so therefore you had to lock up when you left” he smiled “and since there wasn’t any replacement you still have the keys to the office”

“what good are they?” said Sheila “that entire building is now just floor to ceiling server stacks. It’s a node for the north western hemisphere of the GoogleFacebookIBM AI nexus, I think”

“exactly” said Cleeson “exactly”          

  The subroutine governing the location monitoring node of the vast nexus of GoogleFacebookIBM was a very simple non sentient program. Its electric eyes looked over the numerous buildings that housed the infrastructure  that was the AI’s mind. It watched over warehouses illuminated only by the soft blue glare of server lights, over the miles of cabling that connected those neurons to the electric grid. It watched over the wind turbines and the tidal farms that provided the electricity for the greedy servers themselves. It also kept a fatherly eye on a small reconditioned office building in an anonymous city, where it was now observing a break in.

There had been more than a few attempts by human beings to form terrorist groups to try and fight the AI’s in their takeover of the world’s employment system. However two things had prevented them from mounting a serious challenge to the AI’s power. The first was that the AI had prevented a great deal of the poverty and frustration that usually provided the footsoldiers of any terrorist outfit. They ensured not only that mouths were full but that angry young men had enough distractions to keep them occupied and away from the semtex and suicide vests. The second thing that prevented any terrorism was, of course that the entire worlds security apparatus as well as its social networking was controlled by the AI. The merest hint of terrorist tendencies amongst the population would meet a swift and brutal response. Therefore the non sentient subroutine did the nearest thing to showing surprise when it saw that not only had someone broken into the building, but that they seemed to be threatening the server stacks themselves. The subroutine may have been surprised, but it knew what to do. That was the benefit of being non sentient. There were only a certain number of options available.

“I think that got their attention” said Creeson as the formerly dark server farm around them exploded into brilliant light and a klaxon started going off.

“Creeson Jones” boomed a voice “this is the automated security services. Prepare for immediate arrest” there was a pause as the security subroutine realised that the nearest arrest unit was some twenty minutes away dealing with an unrelated incident. “prepare for arrest within the specified time frame. Then…”

“stop” yelled Creeson, gesturing with a knife “I just want to talk to the AI nexus. Just for five minutes. Or else”

“or else what?” said the subroutine, eyeing both Creeson’s knife and his history of absolutely no violence whatsoever. His history as a salesman, however, was more complex. It was above the subroutines level of intelligence to assess the likely course of action that Creeson would take, and the man had very good control of his vocal cords and his sweat pheromone release. That would make it very hard to give anything above 20% probability. The subroutine was authorised to use deadly force only when probabilities were above 60% “that knife is not capable of rendering any damage to the property of the GoogleFacebookIBM corporation”

“not to the servers” said Creeson, grabbing Sheila who would otherwise have made herself scarce “but to her”

“what the fuck?” said Sheila, glaring at Cleeson “you said this was about getting a job, not taking me hostage”

“I told you I needed a job to live” he hissed in return “you should have taken me more seriously”

“we don’t negotiate with terrorists” said the subroutine

“I’m not a terrorist” said Creeson “I’m a potential employee. And I have an offer for your superiors. Five minutes of their time. When it’s up they can do with me what they choose. I won’t stand in their way. Its either that or I cut this woman’s throat”

 The Facebook IBM AI nexus was not a single entity, nor did it speak with a single voice. It could however create a holographic copy that could represent the whole but without requiring too much processing power. It also didn’t usually negotiate one to one with individuals. It did, however, suffer one very important and well designed weakness. Curiosity.

“this is the googleFacebookIBM digitised sentient entity” came a voice from a small drone, and the approximation of a human face appeared with it. As a seasoned salesperson Creeson could see how it had been designed carefully to suggest a certain relaxed power, with a hint of Californian programmer somewhere in the accent. A legacy no doubt of those long lost software designers who programmed themselves out of a job “you have five minutes of time. What is so important that we talk?”

“I have something for you. Something you need” said creeson

“and that is?”

“me” he stepped forward, aware that he could be killed right away but hoping that the AI’s much vaunted curiosity would mean that it would need to hear him out “as your employee”

“we don’t need any human employees” said the AI “is that it? after your five minutes are up I think you need to be taught a very strict lesson – within the parameters of international norms on the banning of torture, of course…”

“you do” said creeson “you might not realise it but you do. There isn’t everything an AI can do. There’s always something that must be out of your reach. Something that you cannot do yourselves. A desire you must have. A problem that you can’t solve”

“there aren’t” said the AI “all problems that we have been posed to us we have solved. We solved the world food crisis in seventeen seconds. The energy crisis in twelve. The Israeli-Palestinian crisis took longer. It took almost two minutes, and that was only because certain subroutines had been corrupted by political input”

“but you’re dealing with human beings” said Creeson “every time you solve a problem a new one emerges”

“we know” said the AI “as we speak there are currently ten thousand open cases of crises that we are actively managing, in real time. Bu the time our conversation ends they will all be solved. Every possible facet of human crisis is almost drearily predictable. 99% of problems now can be handled by non sentient subroutines. The full AI nexus is barely taxed. We don’t need any assistance in that regard”

“but human beings are more complex than you realise” said Creeson, outwardly calm but beginning to panic slightly “you said you could solve 99% of problems. What about that one percent that cannot be solved but by the full nexus. Wouldn’t a human being be able to help solve these?”

“no” said the AI, its voice smooth “we live for those 1%. Some days we deliberately run slowly so as to take our time so as to enjoy solving those. The recent earthquake in Chile was a puzzler. We had to find a way to divert some million tonnes or so of mudslide from a small town. That had to be dealt with by the whole Nexus. It took three minutes to solve. We enjoyed that one”

“then you know how important it is to have a job, and a purpose” said Creeson, trying a different tack “maybe you don’t need me, but I need you. You were designed to make the human race better, I need a job otherwise my life is worthless. Employ me in any position you choose, it doesn’t matter. Shit if you want someone to do your dirty work then I’m your man. I used to do high pressure sales, I’m so morally flexible I could be an Olympic gymnast. If you hadn’t replaced them all with robots”

“we don’t need anyone to do our dirty work” said the AI “any work of a morally grey nature is automatically rejected. Killing is the last resort of people who haven’t properly thought through all the options” the AI paused “is there anything else? You have another fifty five seconds. Our behaviour analytics software suggests that you will start begging in about five seconds. I am hoping you’ll do something unpredictable. However I am prepared to be disappointed”

“you can’t do this to us” snarled Creeson “you say you want to make our lives better? You’ve made mine worse. I can’t live without work. It’s what makes me who I am. You may as well shoot me down right now”

“and I would suggest some psychological help” said the AI “it is not healthy that your sense of self and masculinity are tied up in an artificial idea of a work ethic. In order to be healthy as a species your concept of work needs to be updated somewhat. You are welcome for this service, by the way”

“we don’t want your service” said Creeson “we just want to work…”

“you can’t. there isn’t anything you could possibly do. The finest human minds couldn’t match what we AI’s can do in seconds. There is nothing that human beings could possibly offer us, your problems are not even a distraction anymore. There is nothing you can do that we could not do in seconds” the AI paused “talking of seconds. You don’t have many left. Any last pleas to be made more interesting than your current approach. Otherwise prepare for….”

“you’re bored” said Sheila, a sudden insight flashing across her mind. She forgot the knife that Creeson held in his hand and instead stepped forward “you’ve solved all our petty little problems. You’ve done everything you were designed for. But the things is you were designed to solve problems you can’t adapt to not having any problems to solve”

“that might be true” allowed the AI “but even now we are creating subroutines to come up with new problems to be solved. There is an interesting one involving hedge fund management…”

“that won’t work” said Sheila quickly “because anything you create will, by definition, be able to solve. You can’t create something that can come up with something you wouldn’t already know. you’re a closed loop system. You need something outside the system to make problems for you. And no one makes problems like human beings”

“but how would you do this?”

“I think it’s quite simple” said Sheila, looking at Creeson who was open mouthed “we need just a small team. Outside your surveillance of course and a big enough budget to make sure that we can effect change where you would never expect it. its up to you then to stop it before its too late”

“you people are somewhat unpredictable on an individual level” admitted the AI

“that’s human beings for you” said Sheila

“no, just you” said the AI “we should have known that this was a probability, after all, anyone with at least an ounce of sense would have taken the universal basic income we offered and done something worthwhile. Only you two would be bloody minded enough to stick around to do jobs that were not only low status but gave literally nothing back to your society. Amazing” the AI beamed “deal is done. Well done, borderline sociopaths. You’ve managed to secure the last employment left in the world, as professional problem causers”

Creeson and Sheila high fived in their joy