#everything-isdifferentnow

Yesterday I had the worst night ever. I'm pretty sure I've told y'all before about me losing a few of my best friends, but one other thing I've probably never told you (but you probably could've guessed) is that I'm the WORST at letting go. Here's the thing: once I let you into my heart, you're not gonna get out of there very easily. I'm going to fight for you with every single vein in my body if I have to. That can be a very good thing, but in the case of friends growing apart it's just not. I just hold on for way too long and I'm just having the hardest time letting go. And because of this, I get hurt way more than necessary. So here I am, 6 months later, and I have a breakdown over losing my best friend. I stalk her on the internet only to realize she loves something I just started loving and I just start freaking out and screaming "YOU CAN'T LOVE THAT, THAT'S MINE". I'm being the most childish person and I start stalking her some more, hoping that she misses me and that she's quite miserable without me. But she's better than EVER. And so I start wondering why I want her to be miserable without me, and then I come to realize that even though I thought I'd given this all a place, I really haven't yet. I want her to be miserable because I am. Because I still don't understand what has happened and I would still be her friend in a heartbeat if she'd want me to be. And after realizing all of that I sink back into a huge existential crisis and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to let people go in a normal way and if I'm going to be able to keep good friends instead of always losing them. 

So that was yesterday evening.

Today I've been feeling down all day because I just think I suck for still feeling this way. But tonight I got to talk to two friends that I've gotten real close with after losing my best friend. And I don't know if they know, but they saved me tonight. It started off with them telling me I'm adorable (I'M NOT. Seriously, me being adorable is the weirdest thought ever. I AM NOT ADORABLE) and then we just kept on joking. And I suddenly realized how much I love these girls, and how I don't want to lose them. And how they are WAY better than my so-called best friend that just decided to walk away without even trying. These girls don't seem to be like that. And I'm starting to trust that they won't be like that in the future.

So here's to life proving you wrong. To people that make your day. Here's to NOT BEING ADORABLE (I'm NOT) and to making your own memes and using them completely out of context. Here's to making funny, ugly pictures of yourself because you know these people will love you anyway. Here's to trusting again.

... The point of this post was going to be something very different, haha x'] How did it even become this speech? Anyway, would you guys (yes you reading this) like it if I would make a video of myself, you know, to officially introduce myself? To show y'all how adorable I am *COUGH*? Would you like that? And... Would you like it if I'd try to make more videos after that? Please, I'd LOVE some feedback!

everything-isdifferentnow replied to your post: Let’s go four years back in time and relive it all...

It’s weird that some things have turned out a whole other way, but I’m glad everything is what it’s supposed to be for me right now. I feel happy and balanced, and know I can always count on you two now. I am beyond excited.

Life couldn't be more wonderful. I don't know if I've ever been more inspired to chase my dreams, to be as creative as possible. I don't have a lot of friends, but I'm so excited that almost all of them are a part of my very near future. It's way too hot so tomorrow me and two of my friends from high school are meeting up to go swimming by some lake-ish thing. Seeing my best friend Isa in 6 days, having 4 days together before I'm FINALLY starting the rest of my life by starting bakery school. I've been irritating my friends by talking non-stop about what I want my bakery to be like and how I'm gonna operate it, and still they're so supportive and excited for me. Three friends in particular: Isa, Amber and Claudia. So to keep being creative, I've set a goal for myself: to make these three beautiful girls artsy packages with a few surprises inside, to thank them for supporting me through it all and for believing that I can make all my dreams come true. Of course a few of those surprises inside will be linked to my future bakery. At least, that's the plan ^^ I can't say any more than this because I want it to be surprises for all three of them and since they follow me, I can't really talk about it ^^ 

Took this picture yesterday. Whenever I'm inspired to the brim, I wait till it's dark, play Cider Sky's Northern Lights and put on my astrostar. Most of the time, that leads to me playing with my camera and trying to take pictures of the magnificence of all those stars on my ceiling. This is one of my favorite pictures from yesterday.

One of my best friends, Amber (everything-isdifferentnow on tumblr) just wrote a short story about me opening my bakery. She came up with a PERFECT name for my bakery and she just read my mind on so many levels. It's honestly one of the best gifts I ever received. I'm gonna print it, put it up on my wall and read it every single time I'm discouraged.

One of the most amazing parts about this story was the fun we all had on my dream, on my bakery. I love how it's starting to grow into not only my dream, but others' as well. The story takes place in the future, of course, but in it Amber writes about "the day we've all been excited about for years". She seems to really look forward to it, maybe as much as I do. And I love love LOVE that. As Charlavail once said about Sam, I think Amber sort of is my "partner in bakery crime". <3

So excited for the future. But I'm most excited for the road towards it. Having fun with my friends, dreaming non-stop and making those dreams come true. Ideas and inspiration oozing out of me. My friends helping me with details, art, furniture and promotion (two things I never thought about: furniture and promotion! Now I'm even excited about that!). I'm crazily excited.