#everyonestype37

Please bear with me on this. I'm typing this up on my break from classes, and I'm naturally a very private person, so this is doubly hard on me because I hate opening up and being emotionally honest, and I'm more than aware of my surroundings, so I'm trying to make sure I don't work myself up too much while also making sure I get everything I need to say out there.

Okay, as I stated previously, I've been struggling with my Derek muse, and while part of it is due to what's happened in the show--from Allison's death to Aiden's and to all the other crap--the biggest reason why I've been struggling with him is the fact that, since I had to originally put Derek on a semi-hiatus due to school last quarter and focusing on all that I needed to in order to survive finals, I have been getting an abundance of messages--both on and off anon asking me things like if I'm ever going to be coming back, if I plan on doing replies, if I plan on writing again for so and so reasons (ie, enjoying my take on the muse, the way I write for him, etc.), and while a good majority of them are flattering, they're also really, really stressful to see day in and day out.

On average, I get about five messages a day (thank you gmail for always notifying me when I have things, even when I'm not on) that run along this sort of vein, and it stresses me out and makes it hard for me to even log onto this account without having such a negatively visceral reaction.

To put it bluntly, I feel like a failure as an RP partner and, most importantly, as a writer.

I know that that probably sounds extreme, but it's true. When I can't get out replies as fast as my partners or as often, either due to outside obligations or lack of muse, I feel like I'm letting people down and disappointing them, but the thing is that most of the time, I literally cannot simply spend all day on Tumblr RPing no matter how much I want to. I've got school two days a week, a fiance that I'd like to spend time with, and three current original works I'm hoping to eventually publish, so it's impossible for me to do what others can despite the fact that I'd actually, really would love to. And when I feel like I'm not getting replies out fast enough? I have a tendency to put out work that I don't consider to be my best, which makes me feel like a failure of a writer because I get such amazing replies from my partners that I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the deal, and I hate not producing my best work.

Really, I could go into the complete psychology of how my mind works and how this even actually occurs and why I'd be like that, but no one wants the psychologist analysis and the whole "Well, it stems from this and this that's happened in my life" shtick, so I'm going to avoid all of that. Just know that it is something that occurs more frequently than I'd ever want to admit.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I'm not certain if there's anything I can actually do, really, but I don't want to give up on this blog. I've let people drive me from other blogs and potential blogs. They've guilted me for getting another muse or paying attention more to one muse than another or when I don't reply immediately, and that's what it feels like people are doing here when they send me things like:

"When are you going to be replying to our threads? I'm not trying to rush you. It's just I'm really excited about our thread and would love to continue and see how _____ and Derek's relationship grows."

Yes, that is a message I've gotten (a couple of times) from a partner of mine. I've also had a few close people attack me on this and pretty much made me feel even worse about all of this than I already did.

(And for the one person I know who's reading this and thinking about some rather recent and painful events, you weren't the first person to do this to me as of late. You were, simply put, the straw that broke the camel's back, so please, please, please don't feel like this is an attack on you.)

Guys, I don't want that to happen here. Derek was supposed to be my reprieve from that sort of thing, but he's tied with my Killian blog for this sort of treatment, and while I know you all mean well and are, for the most part, trying to be encouraging and flattering with the messages, the truth is that it's putting a lot of pressure on me because I want to make everyone happy, but making everyone happy is making me and mine miserable because I don't feel like I'm meeting all these expectations.

Really, I don't know what to do. I don't want to turn of anon because I've gotten a lot of really great anons, and I want people to be able to talk to me in whatever way they're comfortable with, even if that means having anonymity, but I might have to since most of my messages are from anons, and I know that'd be an easy way to get rid of a lot of the stress I'm feeling until I'm able to find my footing again.

I just---I don't know what to do, but I know I have to do something to prevent this happening, so please, until I can figure things out, bear with me. I've taken to copying all the things I owe so that I can hopefully write them out during my breaks from classes and generally be productive even when I'm not actually here.