#everafterventing

My doctor, years ago: “Your breathing problems are because you’re overweight. You need to exercise more and that will help you more than anything else.” 

Guess who had asthma that was triggered every time I started working out? Yeah, apparently having an inhaler makes a big difference between a 10 minute workout and a 45 minute workout. 

My doctor, even now: “Your knee problems are most likely because you have more weight on you than most.”

Then tell me why my knee problems formed after I lost 60 pounds. That’s what you wanted, right? For me to lose weight? Well, guess what, I did, and it didn’t help my failing body. 

My doctors: “You need to lose weight.”

Tell.

Me.

How. 

Do you think I enjoy being in a world that was not made for me? Do you think I ever wanted this? Tell me how to lose weight and I’ll fucking do it. 

There are dozens to potentially hundreds of studies that have proven “weight loss” is impossible. Any significant weight loss (that being 100+ pounds) never lasts beyond the first 3-5 years. It comes back. It always comes back. And do you know what happens when you lose weight rapidly through unhealthy weight loss pills that your mother forces you to take because, “This will be good for you, sweetie.”

You can’t move. You can’t move. You force these pills down you and that make everything fuzzy and make you not want to eat because when you do you get sick and you’re so tired of feeling sick so you just don’t eat and then a month passes and suddenly you’re a hundred pounds less and you’re just seventeen you’re only seventeen and you feel like you can’t even stand up. 

I don’t remember that month. I don’t remember that month because I was so tired and weak and just wanted it over. 

We flushed the pills. 

Mom said we would try something else. 

She bought more pills later. 

I refused. 

Less than two months later I gained that 100 pounds back. I was starving. I was so so hungry and do you know what that does to a teenager? Lose a hundred pounds in one month. Gain it back in just as short a time. My body was afraid of starving. My body was afraid of starving again. 

Eat more healthy. I do I have I did it didn’t help I swear I did. 

Go to a gym. Don’t you think I tried I was at the gym everyday for half my life it never helped I just kept gaining. 

Take some pills. I almost did even after all of that I almost did it again. 

People don’t want you to lose weight. It’s never about weight.

They want you to look pretty. 

And if you don’t? If you aren’t pretty? 

Why the fuck should they waste their time on you, then?

This world was built for a certain size and it punishes you if you don’t fit. 

Clothes. 

Airplane seats. 

Theme parks. 

“Sorry, but we don’t carry that size here. Try online?” I did. 

“I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to buckle your seatbelt.” I tried. 

“Are you sure you’re comfortable? The bars down pretty tight.” It hurt so much. 

This world was not built for my size. 

Do you know what it is to be sixteen years old and have your parents seriously talk about getting you a gastric by-pass surgery? They wanted to get me surgery to make my stomach smaller and force me to be unable to eat. 

They were my parents and they honestly thought about cutting me open just to make me less fat. 

I weigh 325+ pounds and you don’t think I’ve tried to get rid of it? You don’t think that there are some days I’m scared to eat because what if I just gain back the weight I did lose? 

Some of you say, “Oh, I understand how hard it must be.”

No. You. Fucking. Don’t. How can you understand what it is to sob whenever you feel like you eat too much? How can you understand what it is to buy clothes 2, 3, 4 sizes bigger than what fits you because maybe it’ll help hide the weight. How can you ever understand what it is to be afraid to even go down the stairs because you’re so fucking fat the floor fucking shakes. 

Don’t wear tank tops. Don’t wear jeans. Don’t wear leggings unless your shirt or dress falls down over at least 3/4 past the thighs. Don’t wear shorts unless they’re with leggings or they go down to the knees. Don’t wear clothing this tight. Wear a tighter bra to help hide some of the weight. Step lightly. Talk quieter. Put your shoulders down. Draw yourself in. Don’t let them see you. 

Lose some weight? 

Sure. 

meeeee

from eye strain to breathing problems to sexual harassment to dysphoria today has just fucking sucked 

long story short? the masks i’m required to wear for work fogged up my glasses and basically made me go thorugh severe eye strain since i wasn’t allowed to wipe them off without sanitizing my hands and changing gloves

the breathing problems is the masks because i have asthma and so have difficulty breathing more than anything else 

customer kept saying how Andy was “such a good name for a girl” like, 3 times he said that. (i’m not out in my public circles that I’m trans) 

and then i was smacked on the ass three times in a span of five minutes - twice with a binder that was like a ‘tap tap’ and then a third time with a set of keys that made my ass hurt for like 20 minutes afte r

so, yeah

Yeah, apparently around 8-10pm every night I pass out and I have really noticed how bad it’s gotten because, you know, I’m the type that likes to nap.

Except! Tonight I tried to fight it! I forced my eyes open, found out the call I was on had been ended, twenty minutes had passed, and I had apparently been not properly responding for 20 minutes before that! 

So now I am anxious crying because my body! Completely blacked out/shut down! And I was unaware/unable to stop it!

honey nut cheerios have “natural almond flavor” and

i am allergic to nuts and almonds and all those things. 

2.5 panic attacks about itching gums and cavities and gingivitis and a google search have taught me that 

1) always read ingredient labels on everything you eat and take a moment to really think about the name of the food you’re eating and 

2) a mild nut allergy can become worse after overexposure of the allergen, such as eating Honey Nut Cheerios every other day for a year and developing an outbreak along your gums after eating the item in question and finally 

3) don’t be dumb like me. 

had to deal with birth mother in dreams, had to deal with disability fears, had to deal with the fear of like losing consciousness and coming back to find out i kept doing shit even tho i was asleep, had to deal with eating fears, trans fears 

i slept a good 9 or so hours, you know, the healthy amount for my age, but god i have been fucking exhausted all day 

When your body produces insulin it is breaking down the sugars and fats in your food and storing half of it into your fat reserves, essentially, and using the rest of it to give you energy in that moment. So you eat a plate of pasta. You get energized from that meal and whatever is left goes into fat reserves to be broken down when you need it, such as when you go too long without eating, which is why you can skip breakfast, but not immediately faint as long as you ate dinner the previous night. 

 In the case of being insulin resistant they told me that my body does not recognize that my insulin is there and doing it's job, which is to grab glucose out of the bloodstream and put it into the cells. This means  that my body breaks down the food, stores it into my fat cells for future fuel, but I do not gain any energy from that meal in that moment. So, for example, I'll feel faint when waking up in the mornings. Even if I eat breakfast I do not feel like I had anything to eat until lunch or later. 

 Essentially, everything I eat I never feel the effects from. I constantly feel hungry and faint as my body stores everything to the fat holding cell. 

 My body is designed to *delay any energy I get while making me fat.*

24 is too young to be tearing up and almost crying because the pain is so bad when you finally do get out of bed.