Yesterday night, I saw “Star Wars Episode IX: The rise of Skywalker” and it left me even more disappointed than Game of Thrones 8x06. It’s utterly shocking how Disney handled the creative process of such an important franchise to two completely different people, especially after Rian Johnson’s very good work on Episode VIII. 

Rey could have been a merchant’s daughter for all I care. She’s Rey, the savioress, and that’s all we need to know. Force is democratic, and it is everywhere. So why has she become Palpatine’s granddaughter? I mean, who has ever fUCKED Palpatine FOR YODA’S SAKE?! Where tf was Rey’s father during Episode IV -V - VI? So many unanswered question I’m starting to think Episode IX is one of the boys that never phoned me again after our first date.

ANYWAY, I’m not just disappointed. I’m pissed. REYLO WAS A THING. I mean, they loved each other. Force is supposed to be made of love and hate, a balance. Ben and Rey were a dyad in the Force and, ehm, Disney (and Lucas LTD) do you know what dyad means? It means that they cannot exist if the other’s dead. By following this logic, Ben should have died when Rey died (and thanks Jedi, btw, for giving Rey enough strength to beat the shit out of Palpatine but not to make her live) or otherwise they should have lived together. Oh, and thanks for letting us know that Force can heal. We wouldn’t have Star Wars episodes from IV to IX sincE ANAKIN WOULD HAVE JUST TRIED TO BRING PADME BACK TO LIFE. Jesus. This movie’s a mess.

And can we just take a minute to think about those amazing amazons, the one living on the same planet as the dead-ass Death Star? They have their own stories, just like Finn does, and they’re just there to...to do what? Bring space horses into the franchise? A new heteronormative and race-normative love to Finn’s life? Well, thanks but no thanks.

AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ABOUT POE, I mean, it’s so CONVENIENT that his old friend/lover/ass-beater had a tool that could lead him to reach that spaceship, isn’t it? And don’t even get me started about that small rusty new droid because my head’s going to explode. And about Hux, oh, sweet, naive Hux. May you rest in peace, you glorious ginger.

It was just poor, sloppy writing. What was the point of making C3PO lose its memory if it just went back as soon as the droid reconciled with R2-D2? And what was the point of making Rose a character in Episode VIII if she had to be ignored through all Episode IX? Then there’s was that freakin’ screentime left to minor characters who just didn’t have an arch and were totally useless. With or without one of the hobbits of the Lord of The Ring’s trilogy (pardon me if I don’t remember his actual name as actor, I’m sure he’s also the one in Eminem’s video tho), the movie would have been just THE SAME. 

I swear. All it took was not to take back Palpatine’s plotline (which, btw, made EPISODE VI AND DARTH VADER’S SACRIFICE USELESS AS I AM AT A POWER YOGA CLASS) and make Kylo Ren’s redemption a bit more complex. That’s all it would have taken. But NO, Disney had to hire Jar Jar Abrams again and, in RuPaul’s words, FUCK IT UP. 

Tell me, when did your winning smile

Begin to look like a smirk?