#evening respite

i lie in bed alone.

one day you were with me,

today you're not anymore

the tree they planted in your place

can't remember how much you meant to me

one day? one week, maybe? i don't know. i can't tell anymore. the ticking of the clock means nothing if i can't hear it with you.

a friend visits me. ... our friend. her strong arms pulled me close as her voice attempts to soothe me. she cares about me. about us. i know it. but the warmth of a hug means nothing if i can't feel it with you.

another new day arrives. i close my eyes as quickly as i opened them. the sun doesn't rise in the pocket of darkness we live in, but even if it did, the light of the moment means nothing if i can't share it with you.

i visit the garden to watch the flowers bloom for the first time since you left. a tree stump sits alone like you used to. watching. waiting, for me. though stained by your blood and weathered by rust, the blade you once wielded stands proud, embedded in the stump in memory of you. it reflects a glint into my eye. it has never touched me, but it pierces through me all the same. and it is cold. so cold.

"evening, that was a year ago. you have to move on."

is what my friends tell me

my friends? are they, really?

no. no, they can't be. friends wouldn't say that. friends wouldn't brush off something like that like it means nothing to them. friends don't leave other friends behind.

friends... don't leave other friends behind.

... friends... don't...

don't leave me.

why'd you leave me?

why'd you leave me? why did you leave me?! if we were friends, why did you leave me? if i meant so much to you, why did you leave me? if you wanted me to stay, why did you leave me?!

if you wanted me to stay, why did you leave me first?

if you wanted me to stay...

then that's what i should have done

that's what i should have done

i'm sorry

i reach my hand forward as your shadow escapes my grasp. your voice rings in my head, repeating words you never said to me. when you called for me, i wasn't listening. when you needed me, i wasn't there. and now the note in your pocket is all i have left of you.

"i don't know what to do, or where to go."

i lie in bed alone.

"i feel worthless, like i don't matter."

a friend visits me.

"i'm not wanted here, or anywhere."

another new day arrives.

"i'm sure life can go on without me."

and the days end the same way they started.

"good night."

but there's something about you that compels me

(it's something about you i don't understand)

is it how you talk to me, each and every day?

(why do you talk to me, even without anything to say?)

or how you're here to show me how you feel?

(why are you still here if you don't like what i feel?)

everyone i've met wasn't different from you, no

(everyone you've known, were they different from me? no)

i've never liked those people.

(you've never liked people like me.)

but you're nothing like them

(and i'm nothing, like them)

---

two months since i last saw you, limp in my arms.

you weren't moving. you weren't breathing. i wasn't looking. i wasn't thinking.

could i have saved you? was there anything i could have done? while i was with the others, you needed me by your side. i don't remember who i was helping. they're not important anymore.

three years since i buried you, underneath the stump.

flowers we planted bloom on the dirt around you. the petals call out to me, screaming out your name. i look for signs of you in the curves of the stems, markings in the wood, cracks in the glass. i imagine a friend beside me at the dinner table. i hold your hand but you're not there. i close my eyes and hear your voice. i close my eyes and feel your warmth. i close my eyes and see you. i close my eyes.

i close my eyes.

i close my eyes.

three words. two souls. one life.

"i miss you."

i'm sorry. i… i'm so, so sorry. i—

i would never have imagined that you'll end up like this.

the door opens behind me. a voice calls out to me, but i can't bear to look.

a lamp turns on. though it lights up the basement, it's not enough to bring back the light in your eyes. and it is cold. so cold.

"evening?" a familiar hand places itself on my shoulder. "you've been here for half an hour. come on."

and what, leave you? i can't. i've made that mistake too many times.

"hey, it's okay. let's go—"

no. no, it's not. tears in my eyes blur my vision. the thought of letting you go, after all of this… that's so easy to say, when they don't care! i snap at them. it doesn't matter what they think. they don't care about you like i do. like i should have.

…

i'm alone again. with you in my arms, but it's not the same. i fall back into a quiet sob. i don't understand. was it something i said? i'm sorry. i tried, i really did. but it wasn't enough, it seems. no apology i can give you will change anything.

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