#eveeee

i’m so glad i put my big girl panties on and messaged you a year ago <3 best decision of my life ever.

Inspired by Inchells' Moon Sherlock and Sun John + Pixar's Day and Night + SHERLOCK SEATTLE 

Since my birthday, I have been really depress due to events that occurred on that day. Although, I don't regret anything I said on this day because at least he knows, worst case scenario of my death at least he knew.

Yet, because of these exchange of words I have been really depress/sad since this day. I don't let it effect my daily life, I am pretty good at masking it and I am not on the verge of tears every 5 seconds. But in the wee hours of the night when I wake up to turn to a different position on my bed, I think about him and I think about us and how we can never be us and how I shouldn't even be thinking about us because us is not even a thing and these thoughts just keep going and going like a endless circle. Or at times during the day, I see things that remind me of him or his name comes up in my head, and I wonder about him-"is he okay, is he happy? I hope he's doing well in school?, if he's class he's may be writing in his journal- he's probably playing somewhere-does he even play soccer anymore, I havent asked" and like always I scold at myself when I start thinking these thoughts because I know shouldn't but I can't help it. 

Due to technological events, I haven't spoken to him in awhile, honestly it been like days but it feels like forever. Not speaking, I mean chatting, (we don't text-we don't have each others numbers) with him feels heartbreaking. And I ask myself, "when did he become such a part of my day? when did his words become a need to get by, at what point did this happen?" I don't want to sound desperate I can go days, weeks, months without hearing a word from him. The reason why I feel this way is because of that day, of what things were said and admitted. And now this awkward silence feels like a consequence to those words that were said out loud. I know there's a great probability that one day he will stop speaking to me completely. If this silence is far more than technological problems and its a consequence of what was said then I have to just accept this even if my thought process saids this,"you should have kept your mouth shut dammit and not have said anything, just smiled and nodded- you know very well you could have gone you're whole life without saying anything and nothing would have changed."