#evahazel

My last heartbreak was a kick in the nuts. (Yes, I don’t have nuts but boy, did it hurt.) For the past two days, I feel like I have been living it again.

I tried to make sense of my feelings. I tried looking for things I wrote during that time so I can better understand myself but I can’t find anything. I saw some things that I’m sure were about him but nothing I wrote myself. The reason is because, God, I was broken. I remember doing a lot of things to help me forget but sadly, writing made me remember.

We were friends. 

I think I always knew that I didn’t have a chance with him. 

I think I always knew that he would never care for me as much as I cared for him. 

I think I always knew that I will always be just a friend to him.  

I knew these things but the knowledge didn’t stop me. I continued caring for him, giving him time, teaching him, because helping him get better made me happy. 

For me, that’s love in its purest form. 

At that time, I taught myself that I label my feelings. I never called it love. But maybe, I did love him a little. 

When I was in high school, I wrote a lot. I kept an almost regular blog. I was also writing poems left and right for love. 

I had a dream then.

I wanted to be like Shakespeare. I wanted to be eternal, never forgotten. I knew that I am only human and I will not live forever. I wanted to be remembered through my works. I wanted it so bad that I felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t achieve it. There were times that I would get so frustrated because I didn’t know how to achieve my dream.

I guess somehow from then to here, or better yet, from then a long while back, I gave up. 

I wanted to become a writer but I took up Nursing then studied Medicine both of which killed all of my hopes and dreams.

Honestly, I got scared. I really didn’t have it in me to pursue it but eventually find out that I am not good enough. I wanted it so much but I preferred non pursuance instead of failure.  

I would love to say that I regret giving up on my dream. I would love to say that I will now be actively pursuing it. But I cannot.

Contrary to popular belief, giving your best and doing your all do not guarantee the achievement of your dreams. 

“Is she really that terrified of being alone that she is willing to settle for that trash?”

“Maybe.”

It makes me sad for my friend. Granted, being alone is terrifying and sometimes, I miss the warmth of another person next to me. I am proud that as lonely and crazy and miserable I might be right now.

I am not settling.

If it is not the love that makes me feel alive.

If it is not the love that makes me want to write poems again.