#essayformat

Today I threatened her with my own physical health.

This made me realize a whole lot of things.. And all of those things culminated into one. I realized that I am not fit to love her.  If I'm not capable of putting her well-being above mine, then I can neither love her as I should, nor can I even say at all that I love her.  Because while I may not understand love, I do understand one thing in its concern: love is selfless. And my desperate actions demonstrated that my affection for her wasn't that; it wasn't love.  And in such weakness I have revealed to myself that, in my current state, I am not, at this stage in my maturity, fit to love.  This isn't self-pity.  This isn't my wallowing in my sadness. Because I have hope that I can change.  And that hope isn't in myself; how could I rely on such a vessel as my own, so infinitely flawed and even more so damaged? My hope, therefore, must be in nothing besides Perfection: Power greater than my own.  His refinement of my mentality will only occur in direct relation to my humbling myself beneath His feet, which I am not fit to wash, yet am allowed to by his overwhelming grace.

Who knows what's going to happen, now? Nothing's set in stone, of course, but I'd bet that she and I will both move on, on our own time.  And, by the grace of God, maybe one day I will be fit to love.  All I can do now is trust and hope.  And pray.  For myself.. and of course for her.  

And, if you're reading this, I'm okay.  I didn't hurt myself.  I wanted to.  I wanted to feel pain for what I did to you and I wanted to make you feel pain, too.  Both of those two things were wrong, but one of those two things was worse than the other.  I don't ask your forgiveness on this. I don't deserve it at all.  I'm ironically yet endlessly in regret of what I said to you.  I screamed in anguish about hurting you for hours as I was fighting the realization that I'm not fit to love you.  But I know, now.  I know that I went to that extent to hurt you.  How wrong I was to call that emotion love.  And, as I've said before to you- innumerable times- I am so sorry.  For so much.