#eric hart

On Christmas Eve ‘lil Bill and his family are driving to see their mentally impaired grandfather who just happens to tell Billy a terrifying tale about how Santa will get him, then that night a guy in a Santa suit kills his mom, dad, and tries to get him as well. That kind of thing would give anyone a complex and now the kid is an orphan who gets PTSD during Christmas which is just a whole lot for him. Like, Billy decks the orphanage’s Santa which was fucking awesome but also not good, “What the hell is wrong with that kid” a dude in a Santa suit EXACTLY like the one you are wearing murdered his family four (4) years ago so the kid is a little testy. But back to the First Santa Killer (because there is a “First” one), I was actually shocked that the First Santa Killer was so concerned with the little kid but left the crying baby alone. I was glad he wasn’t a baby killer, that would have made for a much darker film, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me because this dude was a pretty bad guy (I’m talking naughty list bad).

Billy and his brother go to an orphanage where the Mother Superior is very hard on him and strict about what is naughty and who should be punished (basically anyone who has premarital sex) which really sticks with him. Time passes, he gets a job at a toy shop and then comes around his favorite time of year and he himself plays the role of the dreaded Santa Claus. The whole thing is driving him to the edge though and upon hearing that Christmas Eve is the night Santa “does his thing” Billy promptly topples over the edge of all that is holy and becomes a festive machine of punishment. He punishes his coworker for assaulting his other coworker which is very boss of him but then he keeps going and just kills everyone who has ever been naughty and maybe that isn’t very fair of him. He is even very hard on a child and only gave her a used boxcutter for being good (lame!).

Sledders are losing their heads in the park as our Second Santa Killer makes his way back to the orphanage he calls home to attack the Naughty Mother Superior. They attempt to warn the orphanage with the police but this ends up getting a priest dressed as Santa shot dead which was pretty unfortunate for him (he was deaf so he couldn’t hear the police commands). Billy gets to the orphanage and the kids let him in because he is fucking Santa and why wouldn’t they let in Santa? They were literally told he would be the special guest and spent the day writing letters to him, it is not shocking at all they would see Santa and let him in the building, how are we surprised by this? So Billy is inside and is about to axe the Naughty out of the Mother Superior when he gets shot by a different police officer brought in by the lesser nun who tried really hard all movie to take care of him but was never really allowed. He dies looking at all the kids and being really creepy and haunting about it, and then his little brother starts with the “naughty” thing. Wack.