#eraserhea

To Hizashi, my love,

So there you were. On my doorstep. While it’s raining at half till midnight. Looking at me that same way you did right before I first left. I don’t get it. Why were you here again? Why were you looking at me that way? We stand in silence even as I open my door wider, to get a better look at you. Your clothes were dripping, your hair in a tangled mess, and your eyes were red. You were shivering. And yet you didn’t seem to care. I don’t get it. Why were you here?

I could only back up as you walked inside, closing the door behind you but never taking your eyes off mine. We still stood in silence, even as you walked towards me, reaching out and grabbing me. You pulled me into you, and I couldn’t say anything. I had nothing to say it seemed. But in my head, I had so many questions and yet none at all.

It was so sudden, the pulling and grabbing. The harsh, emotion filled kisses, the pulling and pushing of clothes, the sounds of heavy breathing and what sounded like relief. Like you had found what you were looking for. No words had gone between us, even as my hand wrapped into your golden-blond hair. Even as our backs hit the bed, and even as we were tangled in the blankets.

You were so soft and gentle but it was so fast and rushed, like you were afraid you were going to lose me. Like I would disappear under your touch. I felt the air leave my lungs every time I felt your fingers touch my skin, your touch sending shivers down my spine and through my skin. You used to be so loud, so energetic, but you were silent, and looked so tired.  

Had I done this to you, Hizashi? Had I worn you out emotionally? You seemed to be only a shell of what you were back then? Only the soft touches and few emotions between us left. You never told me why or how you found me. I thought I did good enough, but I realize now, you’ll always find me. Isn’t that right, Hizashi? I know that now, as I think of the heavy breathing and the soft pleading. The emotions we both felt as lips were together, rekindling the flame you gave us before.

I wished I had done better at disappearing, because I wouldn’t have had to see what you had become because of me. I made you slowly lose every part of yourself while you were looking for me. I had to leave, and you knew why. You had met me in a bad part of my life that I tried to get away from. But there you were, back in my life.

I’m sorry I have to leave again, but I’m sure you’ll find me, my beautiful blond. You always will. Or maybe I’ll come back when the time is right. And you’ll be right there waiting for me. Or you’ll be moved on, happy with your life, while I still struggle with mine. I’ll be waiting, and I hope you will be too.

                    Your lost love,