#equineassistedcoaching

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I needed time to go through my process of accepting the passing of Tinky.

I still miss her a lot. And knowing that she is still around, just in a different way, doesn't always help! Then I feel the need to touch and hug her; lean against her, see her wise eyes and hear her sighs: 'there she goes again.'

Grieving is an ongoing process: with highs and lows, with acceptance and denial, with feeling her energy and longing for to come back to me. The other horses help me, as I try to help them. Mo showed me those first weeks so clearly that Tinky was present. And Pascal was there to give me comfort and attention.

Does it stimulate? Not me, it confuses me. And I want to hide. 

Sometimes I drive myself crazy. After a few difficult years, I finally know what I want, sort of, most of the time, maybe, I think ...

I really have been struggling with my work: what is my path? Do I follow the more spiritual path of coaching people, healing, communicating with animals etc? But then I don’t earn enough income. So back to interim management jobs? Then I earn more than enough money, but I’m not happy. So what do I choose: security but unhappy, or happy and insecurity? Maybe a bit stupid, but it really took my quite some time to figure it out: the one doesn’t exclude the other. 

So now, sometimes I’m extremely busy, juggling with several ‘jobs’. But I love it! Now a new problem seemed to come up. My officework is slowing down, due to situations of my clients I have no control over. In the meantime I have learned to have more faith in the universe etc, but I also realise that I have my own responsibility in the process. 

I also know by now that the universe is telling me to take a new path. Old things I have to let go. They don’t serve me anymore. I’ve learned my lessons. There are new things waiting for me. And I love that too! I like learning, growing, developing myself. But in de meantime I have bills that must be paid...

I really struggled. Again! But then I had this illuminating conversation with a good friend. And I feel relieved: for now I make the decision to do the work that I’m doing. And I’m grateful for all it brings me. But I’m open to any offer that shows me my new path. 

Wat vaak gebeurt, is dat tijdens of vlak na een coachsessie, een coachee aan mij vraagt: En wat vind jij er nou van? Wat heb jij gezien? Hoe vond jij dat het ging? Mijn reactie is standaard: Het gaat er niet om wat ik ervan vind, wat ik gezien heb en wat mijn mening is, maar het gaat om jouw beleving, jouw mening, jouw inzicht. Ik snap de vragen, maar (en ik het het hier al eens eerder over gehad) het gaat niet om mij, maar om jou, de coachee!

Jij bent het middelpunt van de sessie. Het gaat alleen om jouw beleving en jouw waarheid. Wat ik ervan vind, doet er niet toe. En natuurlijk, ik ben ook maar een mens: ik zie van alles, heb regelmatig zo mijn eigen ideeën over wat er in de bak gebeurt, maar als een coachee het anders ervaart, is dat de waarheid - het enige dat telt.

Ik realiseer me nu eens te meer dat het daarom ook soms zo lastig is om een coachee te coachen die ‘paardenervaring’ heeft. Natuurlijk, een paard dat gaat liggen, geeft doorgaans aan behoorlijk relaxed te zijn. Maar als een coachee het idee heeft dat het paard gaat liggen omdat hij heel erg moe is … dan is de waarheid op dat moment dat het paard heel erg moe is. En (om maar een cliché te gebruiken) omdat paarden zulke geweldige spiegels zijn, zal mijn volgende vraag dan ook zijn: ‘Herken je dat?’ Mag jij raden wat in 99% van de gevallen het antwoord is! Een ervaren “paardenmens” zal echter vaak in zijn hoofd schieten en dan antwoorden: het paard is relaxed. Dan voel ik het als mijn verantwoordelijkheid om met inventieve vragen en (omdat ik slim ben heb ik daar van tevoren al rekening mee gehouden) om een activiteit te bedenken waar paardenkennis minder relevant is, zodat de coachee toch uit zijn ‘paardenkennis’ en meer in zijn beleving van het moment gaat zitten. Een belangrijke vraag voorafgaand aan de sessie is voor mij dus ook of mijn coachee ervaring heeft met paarden.

I’m ill - flu. The ordinary type, not C. It is amazing how the world has changed into being anxious for things that weren’t terrifying not so long ago. 

Even though I haven’t felt myself these last few days, there are things that need to be done - like taking care of my horse Tinky. So, while doing my daily routines (at a slower pace), I told somebody that I have the flu and don’t feel very well. She stepped back as if stung by something horrible! Was I sure it was just the flu?! Ofcourse I was!

When I told other people, they said that they had had it themselves, or that they knew of people who had had it, or that it was some kind of outbrake... I had not been aware of yet. Either I live in a bubble or nobody tells me anything anymore!

What I’m trying to say: Apparently some of us are getting a bit paranoid! We get scared when somebody tells you that he is ill. We tend to think the worst. We dare not say we are ill ourselves, because we are afraid to be shuned. Is this the new normal? I sincerely hope not. For me not anyway. If I’m ill, I’m ill. 

A friend of mine pointed out to me, that I’m mainly focused on my 5th, 6th and 7th chakra. I’m well connected to my guides and my loved ones ‘up there’. But how about my connection to my 1st chakra? I couldn’t answer her, as I never seem to concern myself a lot with my lower chakra’s. I just assume they are there. Her next question was how I did on manifesting my wishes? I immediately felt this pain: I am doing badly, which is a real struggle for me. So, maybe …

And then I had to face my unwillingness to concern myself with the phenomena of ‘grounding’. I tried a few meditations, I found on YouTube. What bothers me, is that I always had this idea that grounding meant making contact with Mother Earth, dumping your sorrows, pain, worries, problems etc (in short your ‘shit’) in her and getting back positive energy. And that feels so wrong! And to be honest, the majority of the guided meditations seem to do just that. And then during a conversation with a good friend, she told me that for her ‘grounding’ means just making the connection with Mother Earth, feeling love for her and receiving her love back. That is it! This was an eye opener for me. My next search on You Tube let me to the right meditation. And it was wonderful! 

When I let myself down into the Earth, I was welcomed with so much love and joy, I was totally overwhelmed. I had been missing out on this for so long. I was allowed to make my own space with a meadow, rocks and waterfalls, not so far from this huge white, multi faceted, shining crystal. I am a bit claustrophobic though, so that made it a bit more difficult for me to relax. But my White Lady (I think she is my guardian or guide down there) told me I looked at it in the wrong way: everything is energy … I immediately saw the Earth from the Universe’s perspective: a ball of orange-brownish swirling energy streams. So beautiful! I don’t really understand this color, but it is awesome. And it really helped me to lose this feeling of being closed in.