#episodei

Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace is not good but I can’t muster the enthusiasm required to hate it. I remember the hype when the original release date was approaching. People were going nuts. Perhaps it's nostalgia or the knowledge that better films came later that prevent me from savaging the most famously anticipated and disappointing prequel film ever made.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away Jedi knights Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) are sent to settle a trade dispute, only to discover an army of droids invading the planet Naboo. Fleeing with Queen Amidala (Keira Knightley) and her handmaidens (which include Natalie Portman), the Jedi are accompanied by a peculiar creature named Jar-Jar Binks (completely animated, voiced by Ahmed Best). While searching for a way to inform the rest of the galaxy of the invasion, the group meet droids R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), C-3P0 (voiced by Anthony Daniels), as well as a young slave named Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd).

The Phantom Menace embodies everything that’s terrible about prequels. It’s unnecessary. Who cares what Annakin was like as a kid? All it does is take away the mystique of the character. It also pointlessly reminds you of the reasons why you came to see the movie. C-3P0 is here and he doesn’t do anything noteworthy. You take him out and you’ve got a better movie because his origin makes no sense (why would a boy on Tattoine build a protocol droid?) and because he appears to be there only because he could be.

The more you scrutinize the film, the less it feels like it belongs in the Star Wars universe. The attitude people have towards droids seems inconsistent. About 45 minutes in, we're introduced to a species that's immune to Jedi mind tricks. Not just one individual whose years of training has strengthened their mental resolve, but an entire species? I was under the assumption that the Force was something present in all creatures but this random merchant (of a species that could never exist in real life) is unaffected. Feels less like an organic choice and more like a plot decision and it's not the only one.

The acting? it’s bad. I don’t blame the performers though. When one performer can't deliver their lines right, it's on them. Two? they must've been feeding off each other. When EVERYONE is bad? It’s the director’s fault. Ultimately, it's George Lucas who deserves the blame. The creatures whose design doesn’t make sense, the muddled mythology, the contrived plot, the overreliance on CGI, all come down to him. Lucas wrote and directed with no one standing over his shoulder to question the decisions.

Was it doomed from inception? No. The famous pod race is exciting. It’s completely different from what we've gotten before in the series. Even when the familiar lightsabers are unsheathed, it feels new. The choreography is excellent. The blades fly so fast it succeeds in telling you about this different version of the Jedi we never knew: these superpowerful galactic guardians that no normal adversary could hope to go up against. There are plenty of cool visuals throughout. Queen Amidala’s costumes are gorgeous, and the music/sound effects are terrific. The computer effects are dated but were the best they could be at the time. The blaster noises, the clicks and clanks of the droids, the alien grunts are awesome. Great foley work. Despite everything that’s wrong, there’s enough cool stuff to keep you wondering if perhaps, this time, you'll see something that'll change your mind about the film.

I can’t recommend Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace to anyone except those who have already seen it. The story adds nothing to the mythology. If you’ve seen it before, you know whether you can sit through it once more. If you can't it's because those burns still hurt all those years later. At least it’ll get better from here, you can take comfort in that. (On DVD, November 27, 2015)