#epiphanyagain

*hugs* Really, it’s fine, I make an effort to stay in the intense irritation stage of grief things. 

It’s really great when people say they love my ideas despite the headfog and the loss of my ability to copy-edit? And the fics. Like I said, writing is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and I knew it was going to be hard going in, even before the AS diagnosis. Speaking up to people is also hard, so… Well, if I can manage to do hard things, that makes it easier to believe that I’ll be able to get some food into me despite the discovery that rye bread is one of the things my senses like to freak out about, meaning the effort to make the sandwiches was sadly wasted and it looks like I’ll mostly just be having dinner today. 

I don’t want to go on and on about aargh my life, when it’s much better to think about nice things instead, but sometimes it’s nice to have an opportunity to complain? It’s nice that you care. A lot of things are made better by knowing that someone cares. As for formulating that answer… Sadly, I have to think about my conditions all the time, because I need to start pushing myself to do things to manage them as soon as I can move in the morning. I need to think about water intake, food intake (when digestion ties up blood volume), when I can shower despite what my inability to tolerate even lukewarm showers does to leg muscles (relaxes them) and thus to the POTS… I make an effort to think about the depressing stuff as little as I can, but in order to do something about a problem, you kind of have to think about the problem. 

I’ve wanted to be a professional writer since I was a child, but since that’s hard, even before I was diagnosed with the communication disability the plan was to get a job doing something else and save up so I could retire early and focus on writing.

Then, senior year of college, when I was working on the statistics degree and editing a novel for submission for publication as my senior honors project, my body decided to be a bastard and ruin my life. I have three separate conditions colluding to make me tired all the time, on top of the AS and the anxiety I can’t take medication for anymore, so I have to spend almost all day in bed (even sitting up aggravates one of them) and most of my energy goes into forcing myself to eat more than one meal a day, that kind of thing.

Writing is something that can be done while lying down, and it gives me something to do, as well as serving as a barometer of my condition(s). The novel Seabiscuit was written by someone with chronic fatigue, so… Barring something being discovered by someone researching something completely different or spontaneous remission (unlikely after it’s been this long)… I’ve got some people kicking me to start writing for publication again, the trouble is that thinking about that reminds me of the year everything went to hell…