#eoistarter

Ladies and Gentleman of Waldron Island University, 

As you know, my name is Hunter Clarington, and I would like to take this fine moment in the twenty second hour of November 22nd, 2017 in order to walk you through some elementary guidelines for attending school with a celebrity - one who will be extremely active, both in the academic & athletic communities and the recently established culture of anonymous sexual encounters on college campuses; an art form which I intend to perfect. 

This brings me to guideline number one. If at any point you, dear reader, are under the impression that you may be having sex with Hunter Clarington, there are three ways to find out for sure: first, if you find yourself in a post-coitus red wine soak with an earthly Adonis who is crooning, almost pitifully, to the later work of one David Robert Jones Bowie, you may have just had sex with Hunter Clarington. If you lift your head during the act and catch even the faintest whiff of Casu Marzu cheese, yes, you are with Hunter Clarington and no, you cannot have any cheese. Third, and finally, if you hear the words, rasped breathily beside your trembling face, “Valar Morghulis”, do not be alarmed. You are simply having sexual intercourse with Hunter Clarington, and the short explanation is that it is a power play. If at any point you identify me during our encounter, it is permissible, within reason, to speak about the occasion to your peers. If you do any harm to my good reputation at this university, I will expect retribution and as such you will be contact by my lawyers. The same will happen if you sell your experiences to the muckraking press for profit. You have been warned. 

Now, here are some general points I think you may find helpful: 

If you feel compelled to ask questions about any products/services involving the Clarington brand that are not yet public knowledge, save yourself some time and do not ask. I will not be able to answer your queries. I know rumors have surfaced about a Kardashian-esque reality show entitled Catching Up With The Claringtons, but as of right now this is only a rumor and one should not concern themselves with it. 

Any and all fan mail should be sent to my virtual ask and submit boxes. Expect private replies within a twelve to eighteenth month period from the original submission date.

Fainting is not an appropriate response to seeing a celebrity on your campus and is frowned upon. Please refrain from fainting. 

Secret photography is something I’ve grown accustomed to, but is still generally frowned upon. 

I am open to communicating with any and all of my peers on campus. Here are some examples of actions which do not fall under the category of “communicating”: screaming, pointing, running toward me, and screaming and pointing while running toward me. 

If you find yourself in class with me, Hunter Clarington, be advised that I am intensely interested in the subject at hand at that time, and will likely not indulge you for any reason, at any time.

In summary, try to remember that I’m just like you- only worth significantly more. 

Best,