#entry-exe

we won't let you kill the laughter.

they deny the hatred exists and repeat the hatred verbatim.

no recess.

if you were honest about me, i'd still think you're an asshole. but i'd respect you. my turn! you're a fucking loser.

sit in one place, i dare you.

i was invited to a costume party. it's tomorrow night. haven't been around a crowd in 7 months. and i don't like my costume. i'm irritated. it used to be easy. arrive a bit late. finish my smoke outside. pull shoulders back. flip hair. smile a bit. search for familiar faces. introduce myself to new ones. stay sober like i always do. another smoke. chat with the patio people. go back inside. watch people get hammered. dance a while. another smoke. hide in the bathroom. one more dance. head home. i used to like that routine. i'm irritated. i don't like my costume. took a long time to pick it out, too. it fits fine. but it just feels weird. will i like it tomorrow? try to find a new one? wear the one i've got?

being the 'bigger person' is heavy. and it will suck for a while. "if everyone knew how awful so-and-so is..." i told myself every hour, on the hour, for months, "... they'd get what they fucking deserve." the helplessness swallowed me whole some days. other days, i was obsessed with the fantasies of their awful karma catching up. "but doing nothing is the best thing..." "i'm sooo glad so-and-so is out of my life..." "honestly, it's whatever..." these phrases were bandaids. but i kept repeating them. until i had the realization. i can let it hurt. i should let it hurt. so, i moved on. it gets lighter, you know?