#entry nine

You can’t see it, but at the end there I wrote “Thanks, climate change!”

I looked at myself in a mirror a while ago. I can't really remember my own face. Aside from the distorted features, though, I think I might look like [static] Cee. Maybe he was my... brother? I don't know. It doesn't sound right. We have the same sort of skin tone and face. But I don't... I feel like if he was my father, I'd know where the rest of me came from. If Cee's my father, why don't I remember my mother? If Cee's my brother, why don't I remember any other family? Is Cee even human at all? Am I just drawing conclusions where there aren't any?

...

Maybe I'd know if I could open this damn folder! You know what, maybe it was just a one-time start-up issue. I'm going to open it again, and this time it'll [static] [crackling] [static] [static] [static] [stop] [stop] [stop] [trying] [to] [remember] -"

I've been hearing strange things lately.

People keep calling out for this...this helper, this savior. No one else seems to hear it.

Jordan slowly climbed down the rocky cliff face towards the beach. She shivered a bit at the cold. It was winter of the 1st year of the Seventh Astral Era. She was originally supposed to stay in command and deal with some of the staff officer shortfalls that happen around All Saints' Wake. Instead, there was a situation and, as the officer present with the most field experience, she was selected to lead the expedition.

"Colder'n Shiva's tits..." she muttered as she hopped down the last four fulms to the sandy ground at the bottom. Ahead of her was a small post staffed by two junior officers and a group of soldiers. The officers turned to Jordan and offered a salute

"Okay, Lieutenants. What's the sitrep?"

"Ma'am. Thank the Navigator you got here so quickly." The first lieutenant, a Keeper, said. "We weren't expecting ye for another six hours... with others"

Jordan waved a hand away. "I'm nimbler than I look, lad. I was able to board a merchant ship ta Aleport. Winds 'appened ta be favorable fer the trip up 'ere, Lieutenant. And I don't 'ave a Staff Sergeant or anythin'. Yer me eyes n' ears. Report."

fuck

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

i dont evven knoww wwhy im so damn pissed off right noww 

no wwait i do 

i dont evven knoww howw to put it into wwords though i dont knoww howw to describe it to myself its so damn stupid

its stupid cause its somethin i shoudla expected and i dont knoww wwhy i evven let myself think other wwise because fuck me im just a damn wwriggler wwhos leachin off a alternate vversion a me and has no business knowwin wwhat the fuck is goin on wwith my friends no theyd rather shoo me off into the city and make friends wwith some other wwrigglers 

no im ovver here wworryin my ass off about three a the four friends i havve an they send ovver some people to keep me company so i dont fuckin bother them wwhile theyre dealin wwith shit

like fine i get you can handle things yourself but at least tell me wwhats goin on so i dont end up pissin myself wwith wworry because i fuckin care about you assholes an sure its kinda a ya to help me meet some a the other residents but in any other situation it wwould be a hell of a lot kinder

anywway that wwas yesterday

i knoww a bit more about wwhat wwas happening but not much

no ones said a wword to me all day an ivve been wwith john and star but honestly felt like a third wwheel 

great plan sendin a pair a matesprits to keep me company did you really didnt think i wwouldnt feel awwkwward at all

on top a that for the past week ivve been keepin in a pent up urge to kill somethin and gettin me angry isnt the best wway to help that

ivve been tellin people im itchin for a hunt but that isnt it 

i wwant to kill somethin

i wwant to end somethins life wwith my wweapon or evven my owwn powers to watch the life drain outta it an wwatch it squirm as it fights for its life to feel its body grow cold as it loses its struggle wwith death

shit

an wwhen i tried to hunt to hopefully get rid a these shitty urges nothin goes my wway and i fuckin cant do shit 

im fuckin frustrated and wwhile feelin a bit lonely am not feelin social

i wwanna fuckin fight somefin 

to the death

I confess. I went back to the hooligans of the island. My hunger overcame my will power. Unfortunately, they welcomed me back with smiles and gave me what was left of their dinner (which was quite a lot as the entire island would place their uneaten food on a giant, flat stone so they could take from it whenever they pleased). 

I now sit next to a camp fire, listening to them sing what I guessed were meant to be songs. I would have gone back to my beach now that I was fed, but they threatened my life. "You stay until Kiel comes, or we eat you next," they'd said.

Kiel was as blind as she was short. They do mean harm. They're a stupid race of people that think they are superior and there is no possible chance that they would respect me as Kiel said they would if I were to be pleasant. No chance. 

I should like to inform Kiel so, but she is taking her sweet time getting back to me. Part of me suspects they didn't call for her at all. It as just a ruse to keep me put. And they thought I wouldn't put the pieces together.

Prompt #477

What do you think about when you can't fall asleep?

Status: Complete

(Warning: I ramble a bit. Sorry)

I start off thinking about what I did that day, who I talked to, things I could have done differently, things I still have to do, people I like, people who I think like me, big regrets that I have ( losing touch with friends, going out with a guy, etc..) stuff like that. If I'm not asleep by then, I'll probably start thinking about school, upcoming assignments, big events like concerts or vacations or outings with friends that I'm looking forward to. A lot of the time the whole reason I can't fall asleep is because I'm thinking too much. When I'm really desperate, I resort to counting sheep, singing songs, and attempting to clear my head. If that doesn't work, I start making up stories, thinking of dreams I've had and want to revisit. I then start contemplating why I even exist. Not in the depressed sense but the "How in the world am I even here? Why am I me? What makes me different from everyone else? How am I thinking these thoughts? What determined the fact that I got born into this family and not the one next door?" or things along those lines. 

                                                            Sleepily Yours,