#entry 43

Does ██ care about me

Does █ hate me

I love him █’s acting wrong

█ said nothings wrong so █’s just being mean?

I’m sorry I know █ loves me

I tried to apologize but █ said not to

I don’t know what’s up with █

Does ██ hate me?

(OC: Date [20-08-2016] Day[Saturday])

Dear diary… .

Taryane came to the city today. Regrettably it was to remind me of things I already know but passed aside in my stupid moment of outrage. She was right in what she said however. I should have known better to not forget this. But I did and now I will face what comes of it. Well, It seems I have.

I returned to the base and apologizes to the shade. I will need to do the same for Zulago to. A short while later a spar between those present ensued. Taryane chose to spar we me. I thought I would keep my armour but it didn’t achieve anything in the end. It just lessened the fight as we were not on equal footing so not much could be taken from it. We watched other spars after our own was over.

Sylvarys returned…I didn’t trust it was him at first. I thought he was dead and gone. But it seems to be him. The same, right to the point attitude. Even when he was trying to get under my skin or embarrass me I couldn’t help but feel happy to hear him do such again. I was happy to see him back. I just hope he is.

The new recruit from yesterday needed training. I was going to show them how to swing a punch because they wanted to know how to fight hand to hand. Ara’ni stepped in and asked them a couple of questions before saying to me and Ten’ji that we should ask him what he wants to be trained in. Even though he asked us to train him in hand to hand combat. In the end I ended up giving him advice on how to get past somebody using a shield. He was bigger so it was easy enough to tell him to use his size advantage. He had enough weight to use against my block.

But for now I need to rest. The legion attacked the gates of the city before I left. That and the training today, plus with it being quiet and Taryane on watch, I may as well rest before offering to take over.

 Yours faithfully

"Her roommate... Hey Jessica, It's Alex. I was just calling to see if you had heard from Amy recently. Just give me a call back whenever you get a chance." 

I mean, it's not like anyone actually cares. I mean, yeah, you can say you do, you can pretend you do, but you don't really give a shit if I live or die. Sure, you'll be sad for a day or two, if that, and even then it may just be to keep appearances. I don't know, I can't see the future, I can just sure as shit tell you that no one I know of would actually legitimately care if I just died right now. Maybe my mother, but hell I'd be doing her a favor. We can barely support ourselves as is, it'd be good to get rid of a financial liability like me. I mean, the things she's planned to spend money on over me... Braces, new glasses, scar removal (I've never cut myself, this is from my brother), therapy... Why spend money on me when she should worry about herself?

I used to stave off suicide by thinking of all the people I'd hurt. Now I see that I'd hurt no one if I died.

The only thing keeping me from just killing myself is the fear of death I always have. If I had no qualms about death itself, this would be a suicide note, and then there'd be nothing left of me. But, for better or for worse, I can't go through with even cutting my wrist. How am I supposed to kill myself?

Then, I'm going to read this when I wake up, laugh it all off, and go merrily on my way, writing it off as another case of depression. I can already see that. But, eventually, I'm going to come to the same conclusion I came to tonight, and this is all going to come back in an endless loop.