#engine light

Thank you for buying the limited edition Shitbox 2000, complete with cupholders and expired tags. Let’s walk you through the troubleshooting process for turning off your engine light. 

Step 1: Replace the PCV valve. 

-Substep B: Figure out what the hell a PCV valve is. Install valve

Step 2: Crack the valve connector and scream loudly. Go back to Autozone and purchase several parts you don’t need, and install a different sized valve. 

Step 3: Remove battery. Watch as engine light turns off. Return to life as normal.

Step 4: Admit that nothing is really normal. Receive two job application rejections, drive home from school.

Step 5: Do your best to avoid petty drama. Get involved in petty drama because you’re not in the damn mood today. Watch as engine light turns back on. Immediately regret everything.

Step 6: Find someone in town who knows about cars. Consider driving to the other side of town to meet up with him. Realize that you don’t have time to meet with him. Hate yourself.

Step 7: Sacrifice your weekend for some volunteer event at school. Get free food. Spend your afternoon hunting for a place that will turn the engine light off and inspect the car illegally. Fail to find this place.

Step 8: Remind yourself that good things come to people who wait. Remind yourself that the last sentence was a lie. Remind yourself that you’re poor because you just haven’t worked hard enough, not because you inherited a broken family from a deadbeat dad.

Step 9: Go to work and go to class. Apply for more jobs.

Step 10: Go to a career fair. Speak with recruiters who have preconceived notions about you not being good enough. Provide resumes to recruiters despite knowing they will end up in the nearest trash can.

Step 11: Poetically hand one recruiter a resume in paper airplane form. Tell them you’d rather make it into the trash can with flying colors.

Step 12: Return to Autozone just before closing time. Ask them for a quick engine light scan. Be denied service. Be chastised for arriving late at night. Be told to visit another store. 

Step 13: Leave Autozone. Purchase flowers for mom’s birthday. Feel content. 

-Substep B: Admit that was a lie. Yell a little. Call Autozone. Curse at them and hang up.

-Substep C: Feel slightly better. Drive home. Place flowers on table. Wait for mom to arrive. Hug mom.

Step 14: Apply for graduation. Cross my fingers and toes that I’ve jumped through all the necessary hoops.

-Substep B: Deny the voice in my head that tells me my degrees are worth shit. 

-Substep C: Listen to others tell me that my degree is worth shit.

-Substep D: Deny them all defiantly. Graduate with my communications degree and begin my first entry level nonprofit job.

Step 15: Begin saving up for new car. Save up for new apartment. Help mom move to a new place. Get phone call from dad telling me he’s proud to see me graduate and start my adult life. 

-Substep B: Remember that he was never really there to see it happen.

Step 16: Get pulled over. Get fined for expired registration tags. Give up on engine light. 

Step 17: Drive car to nearest used car lot. Remove keys from ignition. Watch as engine light fades out.

Step 18: Purchase new car. Well, a newer car. 

Step 19: Drive new car home. 

Step 20: Repeat until light remains off.

If you’ve followed these steps correctly, your problem should be resolved. Should you have any future problems with the engine light, please consult the user manual before contacting the manufacturer. Please remember that all purchases are final and that this is just the way it is. 

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CHECK ENGINE LIGHT ON!!!!!

-Meme Lord