19:32 CST -The recording focuses in on Areliatus, who is apparently sitting at a desk covered in careful, precise stacks of flimsi except for one corner, where three tiny, fuzzy bodies are nuzzled into each other on a nest of an old shirt. He smiles, fingers tracing the line of a short spine as one of the kittens uncurls.
Scy has taken to them better than even I could've hoped, Atrus especially. It's been a great pleasure to watch him reach out and soothe them through the Force, to watch his own happiness of their simple delight in him caring for them. After so many awful things the lad's seen Force users do, I thought it would be best to have him use his gift constructively in such a way that the results would be morally uncomplicated.
He chuckles as Da starts gnawing on his fingers, half asleep.
He's developing a sense of empathy that doesn't have to do with his own survival. Seeing that he can ease the fear of living things not involved in the bond is ...
He trails off, smiling, then rises from his chair.
19:54- Scylas had a party of some sort to go to on Voss. Imperial, but if I know Voss, there would be Jedi. We're incapable of staying out of things.
He chuckles, rifling through a few pages of flimsi as if looking for something. He pulls out a sheet, fingers tracing a column of data.
Says the one who's in Imperial space now. In any case, Scy is out for the evening, and I haven't decided if I'm grateful for the quiet or put off by his absence. A little of both, I suspect. It's been awhile since I've been around someone so much, and Scy -- chatters. Sometimes, it's as if he's afraid of silence. He's gotten better.
Arel pauses thoughtfully, fingers still at the datapad.
Or perhaps I have. It isn't just Scy, after all, who has seen a change in himself.
20:46 - When the recorder picks up again, Arel's seated at the desk with a mug of something steaming. Moffki is sleeping against his arm, and his one ear twitches as Arel starts to speak again.
I've been thinking a lot lately, on the Code and my adherence to it. Part of this assignment was to give me the time to do such, away from other members of the Order.
Arel taps long fingers against ceramic, stubby, shredded nails making deadened click-click-clicks.
I have knowingly broken several tenets. But I do not feel regret or that I am in need of rehabilitation. I have followed the spirit of the Code, if not the letter of it.
My suffering occurred when I attempted to be deaf to the will of the Force and to follow, without thought, the Code. I felt fear, I felt frustration, I felt guilt. Here I had formed an external loyalty. I had formed an attachment other than a training bond, far worse than any other such bonds I'd formed with prior patients. Fear was my greatest motivator: the fear of hurting Scylas, of destroying him, of being found out. And so I fell back on the Code as a crutch, not using it as a tool to help me understand my relationship with the Force. I was dishonest.
I am not now. Perhaps I am in the wrong in disobeying these tenants, but I would be guilty of a far greater sin if I ignored the Force for my own gain. Scylas would not have the progress he's made if I had continued pushing him away.
The small man sighs, expression pained even without eyes. He's quiet for a moment, then,
I watch him. When he doesn't know that I am. The benefit of no eyes. He hunches over his food, he gulps down clean water, he --
Arel has to stop again, to search for a word. His throat works around something unsaid, an emotion he can't really verbalize.
When I touch him, when I touch his face, or his arm, he laps it up. The man's been treated so -- so poorly, he sees normal human touch as a luxury. Food is a luxury. I don't know all the details, but it's clear he's been abused. Terribly abused. He won't let others touch him. He panics at --
He combs his fingers through his hair, frustrated.
At the thought of me leaving. Of me using him. When Master Book went through that poor girl's head, I couldn't believe the amount of work she'd undone. There's so much damage. So many fragile pieces that are only starting to heal.
He exhales, hands folded on the desk in front of him.
Speaking of Master Book, she and Master Tormin appear to be engaging in something. As long as he’s not touching another student, I don’t care who he beds.
A pause. Arel is still for a moment.
I just hope it keeps them both away from doing damage. I don’t need to hear about another student taken advantage of, or, or another misuse of the Force. I can't keep seeing Jedi acting like this, not without growing disillusioned.
Another pause, then a laugh.
More disillusioned.
They were talking to the one with all the hair on his 'saber hilt.
He smiles crookedly, a hand absentmindedly rubbing Moffki's stomach.
I suppose I'm old enough now to fear for the next generation, as the past one always does.