#emo su

when i used to work as a teacher, admin would constantly ask us what our "why" was to keep yourself motivated throughout the struggles (which were too much and too often lol). tonight i remembered my little brother has 6 years before he goes off to college. which means i have 6 years to ensure i have some type of college fund ready for him so that he won't have to go thru college the way i did. not sure how i'm gonna do that with a part-time. not sure how i'm gonna do that with my own student loans to pay off.

but also my bf made me realize i don't have a "why" that is purely for my own benefit. it all somehow leads back to my little brother's wellbeing. i'm not sure if my parents have even started preparing for him going to college, and i also shouldn't have to assign myself this responsibility-- but if not me then literally who?

sometimes i feel sad that i have to parent my sibling (and let's be honest, a veces mis papas tambien), and i'm also exhausted from grinding thru a biochem degree, working at a school that physically and mentally drained me, and now restarting my career. but the grind doesn't stop, especially not for immigrant women, and even less for women in tech (and girl don't even get me started about devs tryna get a job in this economy omfg the LAYOFFS.) sometimes i wish the world would just pause so i can catch up. i'm always catching up!! what's that one greek mythology and/or philosophical figure dude that was cursed to indefinitely push a boulder up a hill? im him fr.