#emerald text

I thought knight of blood fit me initially, because I THOUGHT I was people-oriented, or more, I wanted myself to be. I thought I was more sure of myself than I actually was. But really... I think actually, thinking I was a knight of blood is weirdly page of hope of me lmfao. I got wrapped up in an idealized version of myself without even realizing I was doing it to begin with.

It also turns out I'm more selfish than I initially thought. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just a disorienting thing to realize after so long of thinking that I was more selfless. But truth is, a lot of the kind things I do for other people are in my own interest. I keep hoping that maybe if I keep doing things for other people, someone will finally do things for me. This being relevant because I personally go with the interpretation that knights serve for others, and pages tend to Get served. Knights are more people-oriented, pages are more self-oriented.

I don't talk about this often but I do have moral scrupulosity OCD, which of course makes me very morality-oriented, which is a theme with hope players. The getting wrapped up in an idealized version of myself thing very much ties into the escapism tied with both hope players and pages. I also have aphantasia, which is incredibly funny as a page of hope.