#elsawestguards

I love you, angel. Light of my life, light in my darkness, my reason for staying. I hope this brings you some comfort and warmth. Always remember that I love you, no matter what.

Sometimes, Hela got a little lost in her thoughts.

She never meant to. She actively avoided it, at all costs, when she could. But sometimes something would trigger her. A smell that reminded her of the centuries she had spent locked away in Hel, a phrase someone said that reminded her too much of something her father had said to her to kick her while she was already down. And then before she knew it, her mind was sent whirling back in time, and she had a little trouble differentiating between what was real and what was only in her mind.

She hadn’t meant for Loki to hear her. That was why she had backed herself into the farthest corner of her closest, partially hidden behind the clothes that hung there. So that absolutely no one could see or hear her as she broke down entirely, lost herself to the pain and sorrow she kept bottled up inside herself for far longer than was healthy.

 It might have worked, if she hadn’t forgotten that she and Loki had made plans to read together that night.

“Hela…? Are you in?” came Loki’s voice from the other side of her bedroom door, and Hela looked up, eyes wild with panic, and with fear of her brother seeing her in such a state. Loki had only ever seen her be strong, a pillar of support whenever they were feeling a little off or unwell, or just needed someone to talk to. Hela couldn’t bear to let them see her like this, broken and battered and hurting. She needed to be strong. For Loki’s sake.

“Hela…? It’s just me… Can I come in?”

Hela wasn’t sure what she had meant to say. She reasoned she wanted to tell them to perhaps go fetch them both a cup of tea, or to go pick out a new book from the library, something to buy herself a little time, so she could gather herself, stop her panicked breathing, collect her thoughts into the little safe in the back of her mind and lock them away for however long she could manage to this time. But instead, all that came out was a choked little whimper, a pathetic little strangled sob caught in the back of her throat.

Hela could practically feel Loki’s worry as the door to her bedroom opened, and she heard as they stumbled in, presumably looking around in a panic when they saw she wasn’t in her bedroom. And then she heard their gentle footsteps approaching the closet door, and suddenly she was aware of just how loud her breathing was, how loud the choked little sobs catching in her throat were.

“Hela…?” Loki spoke gently as they crossed the threshold of her closest, ducking their head to try and see where she was inside. They paused when they finally saw her, tucked neatly in the back corner, knees to her chest and face pressed against her thighs, as though if she didn’t look at them, they might not see the state of devastation she was currently in.

“Hela…” They spoke softly, gently, voice nothing but a concerned whisper as they gently knelt down next to her, pushing the clothes away so they could see her better.

Hela only curled further on herself, turning her head the other direction and sobbing into her knees, entire body shaking with every sharp intake of breath. When had she started feeling like everything was closing in on her? When had she become so disoriented? Why did everything feel so off, so bad, so wrong wrong wrong?

“Hela… I’m not going to touch you, but I’m right here, alright? I know you’re a little frightened and hurting right now, and it’s okay that you are. I promise you, it is. But I need you to know this isn’t going to last forever, okay?” Loki continued to talk in a soothing voice, not moving from the spot they had knelt in as they watched their sister, nothing but concern in their gaze.

Hela wanted to desperately believe what Loki was saying, wanted to wholeheartedly believe, without a doubt, that everything was going to be alright, but for some reason, she just couldn’t, and as she forced out another choked little sob, she turned her head, enough so that she could meet their gaze, but not so that she was uncurled from herself.

Loki smiled gently, as reassuring as they could muster, when Hela turned to look at them. That was progress, even if it was slight. “Hey, there…” they murmured gently. “It’s going to be okay. I’m right here, alright? I’m right here, and I’m safe, and you’re safe, and we’re going to get through this together, okay? I just need you to try and breathe, okay?”

“…can’t…”she murmured between breathless little pants, but Loki’s concerned expression didn’t change at all.

“We’ll work on it together.” They paused, hesitating a slight second as they took in her state. “Would it be okay if I see your hand? Only your hand, and it’s okay if it’s not.”

Hela blinked several times, in an attempt to clear the tears from her vision, and she looked at Loki hard, for a long moment. She gave a few more shaky little breaths, and then held a trembling hand out.

Loki smiled again, encouragingly. “I’m going to take your hand, okay?” They waited for Hela to nod in understanding before doing so, squeezing gently, reassuringly, before bringing her hand to rest right over their heart, so she could feel it beating. “I’m going to breathe, and I want you to try and get your breathing to match mine, alright?”

Hela sat up a little straighter, and her ability to focus came back to her a little as she looked at her brother, feeling their strong heartbeat against her palm, and feeling the gentle rise and fall of their chest as they breathed. It took several long minutes, filled with choked little sobs and hiccups, but slowly, Hela managed to get her breathing to match her brother’s a little more naturally, and before she knew it, her sobs and shaky breaths had become more even and steady.

“There we go… Just like that, you’re doing great, Hels. You’re doing so well.” Loki continued to breathe with her for a few more minutes in silence before they spoke again. “How are we feeling? Are you up for a hug right now? Because as soon as you think you’ll be okay with it, I’d really like to be able to hug you. Only when you’re ready, though. Don’t push yourself. I know everything might still feel a little off right now.”

But that was all Hela needed to push herself from her corner, wrapping her arms around her brother and just burying her face in the crook of their neck. She didn’t say anything, and neither did Loki, but that was okay. Sometimes silence was all that was needed in a moment like that, and Loki understood that.

Gently, so as not to upset her or spook her, they wrapped their arms around her in return, cradling her head against their shoulder as they turned to press a gentle kiss to the side of her head, a silent promise that they were there and that everything was going to be okay now.

“I’m going to carry you to the bed now, alright? I’ve got you.” Gently, Loki shifted so they could scoop their sister into their arms, and stood, carefully maneuvering them out of the closet and into her bedroom. Tenderly, they sat on the bed, propping themself back against the headboard and letting their sister curl up in their lap, content to just hold her.

The room was silent for a long while, neither of them speaking. And then Loki heard Hela begin to cry again, quietly, desperately trying to muffle the sounds so she wasn’t being a bother, and they frowned, gently pulling back to face Hela, who was desperately trying to look anywhere but at them, but Loki was insistent. It was important that their sister knew she could talk to them, about anything that was bothering her.

“Hela… Sister… Light of my life, light in my darkness, my reason for staying… Please tell me what troubles you so…” They gently cupped her face and met her gaze, offering a sincere, if worried, smile. “I just want to be able to provide you with the solace you so often provide me.”

Hela looked at them, bottom lip quivering as she gave a quiet sniffle, and then a choked sob, and then began to cry earnestly, worming out of Loki’s grip only so that she could rest her head against Loki’s shoulder.

“Sometimes I worry that I’m going to wake up, and I’m still going to be there… Trapped in Hel… Alone and hurting and frightened…” she murmured, voice thick with emotion. “Sometimes the littlest things remind me of being trapped there. An off-handed comment… A smell that reminds me too much of that godsforsaken prison.” She hiccupped quietly, and brought a hand up to rub angrily at her eyes, but Loki stopped her, gently moving her hand away and wiping her tears away more gently.

Hela took a few slow breaths, trying to collect herself as she looked up at her brother. “And the sad thing is…” She gave a bitter laugh. “The sad thing is that… sometimes I still feel like I deserved it. That I still do. That everything I touch is destined to become broken or damaged, and that all I’m going to do is drag everything back down with me, drag you back down with me.” She gave another hiccup again, and paused, swallowing thickly. “I want so badly to be able to be strong for you, but sometimes I feel like I’m failing you.”

Loki felt their heart sink at their sister’s quiet admission, and they pulled her closer, pressing gentle kisses to the top of her head, to her temple. Just holding her close as she continued to shake with quiet little sobs. They remained silent for a long while, until Hela had somewhat gathered herself again, and then they pulled back, looking at Hela with nothing but love and adoration.

“Hela… You could never fail me. There is nothing you could ever do, nothing you could ever say, that would make me love you any less than I do.” They cupped her face, tilting her head so they could gently press a kiss to her forehead, a gesture she had done so many times for them, and a gesture their mother had done for both of them, countless times. “You are my sister. And you are my entire world. And I am so sorry that you’ve got all of these emotions and feelings welling up inside of you so tightly that they come tumbling out and make you hurt so badly. But I promise you, you did not deserve a single thing that you went through. You do not deserve pain and suffering. You do not deserve to feel like you are less than nothing. And if I have to remind you of that every day, I will do so, gladly, if it means you’ll be able to see how important you are to me.”

Hela appreciated that her brother was being so gentle with her, so calm, so caring. She had spent so often being a support system for them herself that she had never considered how much she, also, needed one in them. Having someone to sit with, to cling to when she was feeling so upset, to listen to her woes, to calm her when she was hurting, grounded her, helped her differentiate between what was reality and what was a fiction her tortured mind had concocted to taunt her. She appreciated it far more than words could say, and for the longest time, all she could do was sit there, still curled around her brother in silence and just taking in everything they had said.

Eventually, she sat back a little bit, wiping at her eyes again, and just looked up at her brother. A wave of nostalgia hit, and she remembered the tiny little baby she had adored hearing about from her mother when she was younger. Remembered every story her mother had told her about her brother as they had grown up, remembered every tale of the shenanigans they had gotten into. It was bittersweet, to see how the tables had turned, to see how much the both of them had grown. A thousand years had passed by so agonizingly slowly, and yet in the blink of an eye, at the same time. Before she realized it, Hela was hugging her brother a little more tightly, burying her face against their shoulder and just breathing them in, thanking her lucky stars that they had been able to be together, and to grow so close.

Hela blinked, coming back to herself, and saw that Loki was watching her, a little concerned, but smiling all the same, and she returned the smile, leaning up to gently kiss their cheek. “Thank you, angel…” she murmured, and then she paused. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Of course you do,” Loki contested, brow furrowing slightly. “You deserve happiness, and healthiness, and you deserve to feel safe and warm and loved, always.”

Hela smiled gently. “You do, too, you know.”

Loki nodded, and they fell into a quiet, comfortable silence. Hela found herself resting more heavily against her brother’s shoulder, and Loki had seemed to pick up on it, too, watching her with a soft smile on their face.

“Sleep… I’ll be right here when you wake up. I promise.”

Hela nodded, looking up at them meekly. “Would you sing for me? Like mama used to?”