#elliot thoughts

This breakup kind of left this feeling of emptiness in me - I'm someone I think who loves very deeply and very earnestly and since I entered my 20s I don't think I've really been looking to date for the short term, needless to say the way things ended after talking about love and our future really kind of shook me.

And it's so easy to fall into the hole that nobody loves me, nobody cares, I'm a misery, I'm incapable, I'm wasting my time. But that all places my value on being in a relationship and while I think I thrive well in a relationship it's not fair to me. I'm a whole person.

I kind of have to build myself a ladder. Talk to my long term friends even though I'm worried I'm burdening them, make efforts to reach out to the new people in my life and know them better, go to queer events with strangers, have coffee with my nearest and dearest, rant over voice notes to my flatmates about costume and sewing and culture and film.

It's hard not to feel a sense of loss. Like a future I saw has been stripped away from me and discarded without my say. But that doesn't mean the future I build is loveless. It's actually lovely. I need to remember that the people who love me don't do it just because it's convenient, they do it even though it's hard, and that I love them at their hardest points as well.

I have to feel my loss or else I don't think I'd be myself, but I shouldn't define my personhood by it.