#elconejito

I am so jealous of people who I think are accepted. Loved by others. Because I feel like I never am. But I’m reading a book. And it hit me - I feel completely isolated all the time. I get mad at myself for my own perceived failings. Why? I forget that other people have other stuff. I feel like I’m the only one in the world who has it this bad, who is this awful, who...blah blah blah.  This book says that part of the way to self acceptance is being compassionate, and being open. So here’s open.

I was never a real friend. I thought I was, but I never was. All I could see is how loved you were by everyone and how loved I -wasn’t- by everyone. This isn’t to say I don’t like you, or didn’t, or can’t, because I do. But that I wasn’t a genuine friend, because I couldn’t be honestly happy for you. All I could do is compare. All I could do is be jealous. That’s stupid of me, and I’m sorry for it.

I’m going to try to stop comparing myself to others. To you and anybody else. Because there’s no measuring stick. There’s no better than/worse than. There’s just me, and just you, and just him, and just us. Just people. I’m no worse than you, only more scared. I’m no better than you, only more unwilling to let people see me. I don’t know how long it will take to let people see me, but I figure I’ll start here and see how it goes.

I’m ashamed of being myself. It doesn’t matter why, or how I got here. The explanations are helpful but they don’t change anything, only give me someone to blame. What good does that do? Do I learn anything from it? No, not really. I am who I am now, and who I am now has to learn how to be who I am now, and...maybe not be ashamed, not right away, but to...accept that I’m scared. And that it’s okay to be scared. And that being scared can be temporary if I want it to be.

I don’t have to be scared of letting people see me, because I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of. 

I don’t have anything to be ashamed of, by being me. 

When I’m scared of something. I dive into it. I immerse myself in it. I learn everything about it so I can pick it apart and see what scares me and examine it in the light of day and say “Hey, that’s not so bad.” I think I’m going to try doing that with this self-image/acceptance/whatever thing. I’m going to immerse myself in it. I’m going to sit here with myself, and meditate, and think about myself, and pick myself apart and hold myself up to the light of day.

I’m also going to try to be very brave and write down what I don’t like. Not a stupid shame spiral list, but things that I actually want to work on, get better at, change. Things that effect my life and that I could live without. First step of fixing a problem is admitting you have one.

My perfectionism.

My insecurity.

My neediness

These are all pretty tied to the same emotion - I don’t like myself much at all. But I think these are things I can work on. Maybe not change forever in a magical burst of glitter because that doesn’t happen. It’ll be really fucking hard. It’ll require thinking about myself and others in ways I never have. It’ll require a lot of trust, a lot of courage, a lot of....compassion for myself. 

That I should write things I like about myself, to help remember that I’m an okay person. I need to remember those things, because I’m so insecure that I in essence force other people to be responsible for making me feel okay that I exist. It’s shitty for them, it’s shitty for me, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

So I’m going to try to write these things every day. All of them. And maybe my brain will get it eventually.

I’m smart

I’m funny

I can cook really damn well

I’m cute 

I’m easy to talk to when I’m not crazy

I’m helpful

I’m genuine

I’m generous

I’m kind

I try to see the best in others. Usually.