#ekma

Then there was the swan with the broken wing who wrote to ask if she can come and stay – she has been more and more in my mind of late and it is a couple of years since she was last this way.  I was so glad to get news from her.  Perhaps K could really make a difference.  Of course I don’t know if L will be willing, but K will give her a slot

My worry about contaminating M with my negativity and putting him at risk by attracting other negativity.  K is sure it doesn’t work like that – just learned, but we agreed working on my vibe was the key.

N – the way forward, though in reality this relationship is on its way.  It was not a priority for today

And then Dad’s grandad – OS ?

And smoking

Several times K laughed at my drôleries and experience, and when we got up to go to the table she said I should write it out like a stream of consciousness.  

We set to work.  The most important thing of the moment my lack of nourishment. Yesterday, smoking, I could feel my body’s lack of margins so this topic didn’t surprise me.  Mum never drank enough.  K felt it was linked to OS’s wife and that great grandmother’s lack of nourishment in her life – totally lacking sustaining connections.  

And then for OS the double emotion of wishing she was dead and feeling he had killed her. Auto destruct as self punishment.  K worked on his release from his holding pattern and then I said I had carried his emotions all my life out of family loyalty and now I gave him back full responsibility for his pain and regret and double emotions, thanking him for the gift.  I saw him in black and white holding my gaze, silent, and after K had worked his face was softer, his feet had weight in them on the floor and his gaze was lively and shone bright blue.  He got up and left the room

The smoking K said was a way of rebelling, of being different in a socially acceptable way, a way of reciprocal contact also, she didn’t think smoking mattered as long as you were compensating with hydration and nourishment and exercise and not smoking to excess.  Practicing individuality, ebb and flow giving and receiving.  Again she laughed and told me to put my colours out there.  To play with self expression that the world could give back to. To breathe air in and feel it is reciprocal too.  To almost? taste the air too

This all ties in with the mental health and liberty training – join up/accompanying, building trust, eliminating violence/punishment, assessing what the being in front of you doesn’t know and needs to, what skills to develop.  And release into curving movement from straight/blocked