This was the facebook status:
“I emasculated this guy at the grocery store today by carrying my own groceries instead of putting them in his cart, even though he offered twice. According to him, I made him feel bad because I wasn't letting him do his duty.”
This was how my boyfriend responded to the facebook status:
Him: “You’ll probably get miffed at me for asking but why did it bring you joy to emasculate that guy, more so why did you feel the need to post it on facebook?” Me: “It gave me no joy to be made to feel less capable than a man. I post things that make me angry on Facebook.” Him: “Do you ever think that maybe he was being nice. Like holding a door open” Me: “It was nice of him to offer, definitely. I had no problem with him offering, at all. Even when he offered twice. That was okay. But then he decided to make it about his pride. That’s when I got a little angry.” Him: “I don’t see why him saying it was his duty to help you makes you less of a person.” Me: “It doesn’t. Nothing anybody says makes me less of a person.” Him: “What made you so angry about the encounter then. I see your side I guess it’s not equal treatment. A guy wouldn’t normally offer another guy help, maybe if it was something heavy and obviously struggling with. You would rather not get any special treatment due to gender.” Me: “I would rather my no mean no.” Him: “I wish were not so harsh sometimes. Is that why you don’t often accept help from me”
This entire conversation took place after we had already finished Skyping for the night. I always Skype with my mom Thursdays at 9, and was doing so when these texts were exchanged. But watching Firefly with my mom on Skype and juggling the constantly-failing internet meant that 15 minutes went by without me responding. At which point he felt obliged to part with:
“I’m done, this conversation will just end with me mad and you not budging on anything. Night.”
Now someone stop me, because here’s what I’m about to respond with:
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Allow me to defend myself thoroughly and completely.
1. Never once did I say anything about my encounter gave me joy. The tone of my Facebook status was sarcastic, not joyful.
2. I used the word emasculate ironically, because I literally did nothing. I politely refused help. The emasculating part was completely in the guy's head. He FELT emasculated because I would not let him help me. Do you see how ridiculous this is? I say no, and somehow, some random guy feels like less of a man. I DID NOT EMASCULATE THIS MAN. HE FELT EMASCULATED OF HIS OWN ACCORD, BECAUSE OF SOMETHING STUPID. The whole point of the Facebook status then, was to make fun of him for being so unsure of his own masculinity that he needed to help some poor female in order to feel masculine again.
3. Again. I had NO problem with his offering me help. NONE. AT ALL. People are allowed to offer help to other people. THIS IS NOT A GENDER ISSUE. People are allowed to accept help from other people. THIS IS ALSO NOT A GENDER ISSUE.
4. My ENTIRE problem with this man was that I SAID NO. I said no TWICE. Rather than accept my answer, he chose to feel affronted that I did not require, nor want, his help. HE DID NOT ACCEPT MY ANSWER OF NO. THAT is a problem.
5. You call me harsh. I was incredibly polite to this person. I thanked him multiple times for his offers. I even watched his cart for him in line while he went to go get one more thing. When he said he felt bad that he wasn't doing his duty, I REASSURED HIM THAT HE DID HIS DUTY SIMPLY BY OFFERING. I cannot see how this makes me harsh.
6. Once more, with feeling. You said, "I see your side I guess it's not equal treatment." NO. NO NO NO. This scenario has NOTHING to do with equal treatment! I am so frustrated right now! I could have said yes! I could have said no! My answer has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what is wrong with this situation. His offering to help has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what was wrong with this situation.
7. Here is what was wrong with this situation: his ATTITUDE about it. His MINDSET. The mindset that if I did not let him help me, he was failing as a man. That somehow, MY actions were a reflection of HIM. The idea is ludicrus. My actions are a reflection of ME and me alone. He has nothing to do with it. Men do this. They don't even think about it. They were probably raised that way. You did it just tonight. You looked at my situation and said, "Is that why you often don't accept help from me?" You made my situation about you.
8. My final point is just this: you were kind of shitty tonight. You knew I was Skyping with my mom. And you knew my internet was crappy and constantly cutting out. You knew both these things, but you still tried to pick a fight with me. And not face-to-face over Skype either. You waited until we had finished Skyping to bring it up. And then while I juggled Skyping my mom, Firefly, and reconnecting my internet LITERALLY every two minutes, you decided I was ignoring you. You got mad that I was taking too long to respond and you left in a huff. _YOU_ PICKED THIS FIGHT. AND THEN _YOU_ GOT MAD. AND THEN _YOU_ LEFT. WHAT THE FUCK. You wanted to make this about you? Fine. Now it's about you.
