#eihl

I am one of only two active male professional ice hockey players that has publicly come out as LGBTQ+, and this show has dragged up a lot of personal trauma.

It feels, at times, like parts of my life are being played out in front of me on the big screen. I don't know if that makes me feel angry, upset, ‘acknowledged', or happy. I'm deeply conflicted.

I love this show for what it brings to the LGBTQ+ community and how it challenges the world of ice hockey to be better. At the same time, I hate this show, for the personal trauma that I have relived through every second of watching it.

It felt like I was watching two (very talented, and undeniably handsome) actors, act out parts of my life.

I have no doubt whatsoever that this show will help so many struggling LGBTQ+ people, it gives our community something that we missed out on growing up.

Normalising an LGBTQ+ relationship in male sports - the fear of your parents and teammates finding out - the palpable relief as you realise your parents still love you.

And most of all the hope you feel that actually - it might all be okay.

I love that the LGBTQ+ community has a TV romance with all of the nuances and complications that come along with that, whilst trying to capture the lengths that 'closeted' LGBTQ+ athletes go to, to keep their sexuality a secret.

I especially love that the community that I am proudly a part of want to come and watch the game that I love - I love the vested interest in the sport that I have played my whole life.

I love that this show challenges the hetero-normativity of male professional sports.

I think that progress has been made in the right direction for a "gay hockey show" to air, and be received in a mostly positive light.

But...

The show is good. However, I feel as if the psychological and mental trauma that a 'closeted' LGBTQ+ athlete lives through in a hyper- masculine and overtly homophobic sport has been totally disregarded.

The psychological impact that 'conformity' has on young male athletes, the culture, the 'moulding' of young athletes to be robotic and conform to a culture, to change their personalities to 'fit in’.

To create another 'hockey bro' that will only ever think or act for "the greater good of the team".

The fact that hockey players are told from a young age to "suck it up”, “man up” and taught to never talk about their emotions- let alone their sexuality.

I'm in utter disbelief at the disparity between how professional ice hockey is, in real life, versus how it is portrayed in the show.

The language in the locker room, the body language of players, even down to the smaller details of Hollander wearing blue laces in the opening 'hockey' scene. The summer workouts of - chest press and long distance running, Hunter taking 2 hour runs on game days. The pre game speeches by Rozanov.

None of which are accurate representations of the day to day life of a professional ice hockey player.

The effort that you go to, to keep your sexuality a secret - the coping mechanisms, the extra effort to 'fit in' - to be 'one of the boys', the coverups, the non stop lies, the bags under your eyes at every practice due to lack of sleep, the stress and strain on personal relationships and friendships, the sheer exhaustion of 'acting straight' so you'd never be 'found out'.

The overwhelming terror of someone even thinking that you might not be straight. The panic if anyone ever called you 'gay' even as a jest or jibe.

The day to day actions, language and behaviour that you choose to do, so these things never happen.

The lack of thought that the show puts in to the journey that a young LGBTQ+ athlete goes through is epitomised by the restaurant scene.

This scene is the living embodiment of my worst nightmare - Being called out, face to face regarding your sexuality - I would have bolted out of the restaurant in two seconds flat, never to speak to that person again.

This is something I would have ran screaming from, not something I would calmly respond to by saying "the thing is, I prefer to be the hole rather than the peg".

I publicly came out 6 years ago as bisexual, being the first active male professional hockey player to come out as LGBTQ+.

I still struggle today. The daily battles of 'casual' homophobic language. 'Acting tough' by choosing to play through injuries that I shouldn't.

Making sure that I don't do or say anything that could potentially make my teammates feel uncomfortable. People that would have my back in any situation.

I feel Heated Rivalry made a conscious decision to play a gay romance inside of the world of professional ice hockey, but portrayed that setting without thinking of the recourse it would cause.