#eddie 01

Theo stood at the far end of the observation dome looking out into the vastness of space. It wasn't uncommon for him to do so at the late hour. He was often wandering the station during quiet moments. The rest of the crew were either asleep or winding down on their own it seemed. For some, the idea of being isolated in space was uncomfortable. Theo, however, carried loneliness with him like a companion that didn't much care where he was. Even still, space was somehow an escape for the man. He was literally the furthest he could possibly run.

Eddie liked being in the station. Had been looking forward to it for a long time. He was almost constantly working, checking on things with the ship and thinking of new ways to keep the computers running smoothly even though they were ​just fine​. But he liked staying on the move. He didn't like when the station got quiet, when he had to be left to his own thoughts. So he often found himself wandering late at night, finding some nook to sit in and jot notes down, or sit near one of the windows just to look out at the vastness that was space. It was so fascinating for him. But even then his thoughts trailed back to home, to things he rather would avoid thinking about. He didn't realize Theo was up as well, but it wasn't much of a surprise to find the commander there. "Ripley," he greeted as he approached the round table. "Still feeling restless, too?"

Theo glanced over his shoulder when he heard footsteps echoing in the corridor leading to the room. The mission tech was often restless like himself, he'd found. They'd shared in several late-night conversations throughout the duration of their time spent in space. Some chats were of little consequence, trivial things. Others were mission or profession-related. Sometimes they just sat quietly. But then every once in a while there were more personal interactions. "Flynn," he replied before tearing his attention from the window to face the other man. "Some things never seem to change." His demons of course had followed him all the way out there. There was only escape from the daily pursuits of life on Earth. And only to some measure - for their lives continued on the station in varying ways. "It'll never be the same back on Earth after this," he commented, looking up through one of the windows above.

Eddie set the notebook in his hand down on the table, but didn't take his seat just yet. Of course he would have spoken to Theo with more respect for his title if anyone else was around, but since it was just them, Eddie settled for last names. "Some things," he agreed, elbows resting on the back rest of one of the chairs. They had a few late night conversations or even just sat in silence. The only things that were spoken to anyone else on the station were anything mission-related. More personal conversations were only kept between them. And Eddie liked it that way. He knew Theo did too. Eddie's gaze lingered briefly on the commander before he tilted his head back to look out the window as well. "No, it won't. Never really expected it to be."

Theo didn't want to go back. What more could he do with his life back on Earth? It seemed to him like much of life's endeavors would pale in comparison to life in space. But really, he was just apprehensive of the monotony of everyday life with his feet planted firmly on the ground. He'd always liked being above it, even as an Air Force pilot. But nothing beat the stars for him. His blue hues regarded the other male calmly, observing his movements and assessing his demeanor. "I don't know what I expected would come after." He hadn't the faintest idea. For the first time in his life, he didn't have a plan that far ahead. He was right where he'd always wanted to be, even if how he'd gotten there didn't go the way he had imagined. There was still a bittersweet feeling to it all. More bitter than he'd have liked.

Eddie didn't want to go back home either. There was nothing there for him other than bars to drink dry or liquor stores to buy more booze. Anything to drown out the hollow feeling in his chest he caught himself feeling in those quiet moments. His gaze dropped from the window, looking to Theo. Oddly enough, he could relate to his confession. "I don't know, either," he replied, "for some people it's easy to move on. Keep going day in and day out. But then there's some people that don't even know how.." ​Like me​. "Best we can do is take it one day at a time, I guess."

Theo didn't have much family left back home, certainly not anyone he was very close with. He never made time for others. Sometimes he wondered if Noah had followed him of his own ambition, or if he just wanted to have more time that Theo refused to give. If he chose to believe the latter, then it meant he was all the more responsible for his death. Didn't it? The commander found himself avoiding Eddie's gaze. He did so whenever he felt some semblance of remorse for something. Eddie had discovered ways of getting to him that none of the others could. And he seemed to do so with ease, which usually put Teddy a bit on edge around him. "I don't think we have much choice otherwise."

Eddie had only heard about what happened to Jason. Wasn't even there when he was rushed to the hospital, and got there just as they were calling time of death. He didn't feel responsible for Jason's death, but there was so much left unsaid. So much Eddie wished he could have done differently. But there was no rewind button. He couldn't go back. Theo was right, they didn't have a choice but to keep going. Take one day at a time. "Guess not." His gaze dropped to the notebook on the table. "Still, easier said than done."

Theo learned to live day by day in the air force, but in turn also knew what it was like to have to live moment by moment in the thick of war. Sometimes he still felt like that was how he was living - moment by moment, decision by decision. Such was the life of mission commander. But also that of a war vet - one who had suffered both personal loss and injury. He wouldn't change any of his choices if he could do it over. This was the life he'd wanted. He might have done things differently with Noah though. He wasn't sure. He still couldn't really think about it without his stomach churning uncomfortably. "Well, it's not like we can walk away from ​this​ now." Theo pointed out with the slightest bit of humor, gesturing to being confined in space. "It has a way of making you face things more directly out here, I think." He grew more serious, arms folding across his chest. "It's like...I had hoped to leave certain things behind when I came on this mission, but it's all right here facing down this vast abyss along with me."

Eddie let out a laugh, giving a small nod in agreement. His head lifted to meet Theo's gaze, remaining silent while he explained. Being out in space had given the sense of leaving behind any troubles left on Earth, literally an escape until they had to go back. But being out in the station, on the mission, it did present the chance to face whatever problems they left behind. "Would it be weird to say I felt the same way?" he asked. "I mean, this is work. Keeps me distracted, gives me something to do. But then you have these down times and you've got no choice but to deal with those certain things. You can only go so far, after all."

Theo shook his head. "Not at all. We all have our own demons." The vastness of universe was deafening sometimes and all he could hear were his own thoughts when everything was still and quiet. Nothing else to make a sound. It was both eery and oddly comforting right before falling asleep. But that respite did not come without struggle, and was fleeting. For once he sunk into oblivion, his subconscious took over and haunted him with ghosts of his past. "And there's only so much you can do; you can only cope so well," he uttered, inadvertently admitting something of his own troubles and a lack of success in handling them himself.

"Think that goes for all of us, boss," he replied, standing up and pulling the chair he had been leaning on back from the table so he could take a seat. "You can only cope so well, and can hide it just as much." He leaned back in the chair. "Anything you want to talk about?" he offered. At the end of the day, people needed some sort of outlet, a way to vent what they'd been keeping pent up. Eddie was willing to lend an ear if Theo needed it.

"Mm," he hummed absently in agreement. The man's next remarks have him pause, cause a skeptical brow to raise. Had he really done such a poor job of hiding it? Or was Eddie just looking closely? Theo didn't move from his position. There wasn't something he particularly ​wanted​ to share. He didn't care to revisit many of the things that bothered him. He tried to be an island. He was the commander after all.

Theo paused, but that didn't avert Eddie's gaze. He only gave a light shrug of his shoulder, "You don't have to say anything if you don't want," he replied, "just thought I'd offer. Doesn't hurt to talk or vent once in a while." And it was late-- at least it felt late. Most of the others were either sleeping or working in other parts of the station. It was just the two of them, and Eddie knew how to keep his mouth shut. Ranking didn't matter to him in that moment; people were people.

Theo grew nervous under the other's scrutiny. Eddie was far more perceptive than Teddy had given him credit for but then observation was necessary for their profession and respective aerospace degrees. They had to be meticulous and detail-oriented. It was foolish of him to think he could hide everything from everyone - especially those he had to work and spend so much time with in closed-quarters. "It's not you I don't trust as much as myself."

Eddie nodded slowly. If anyone knew about being unable to trust themselves, it was Eddie. He was outgoing, didn't mind talking to other people and seemed pretty confident in himself. But when it came to talking about feelings and emotions? That was a very tense subject for him, too. And he could see it in the way Theo suddenly grew quiet, spoke less and less than how freely he talked with Eddie before. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot or anything," he said, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. "It's just... I've been there. Still am, I guess. It's not a good feeling to sit with, so I thought I'd at least let you know we can talk. If you want."

Theo finally shifted, albeit rigid in his stance, trying to appear more comfortable and less defensive than he actually was. "I'm sorry, Flynn. Just not accustomed to...sharing," the German-Irish commander murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. "Only what was required by my service." Even then he only said what was necessary. "The war messed me up." That was something he hadn't admitted to aloud before.

"It's all right. Sorry if I made you uneasy." It wasn't what he intended, but it was clear Theo was anything but comfortable. His hand dropped from his neck to rest his arm on the table top, gaze falling to his notebook and all the notes scribbled on the open page. "Being in a war would mess anybody up."

It was no secret that Theo had seen battle. During the candidacy programs they'd all shared the same locker room, and the showers were minimally divided just enough to cover the important parts really. There wasn't much privacy in space. Everything was fairly closed-quarters. The space station at least was somewhat spacious. But the ship and mars habitat were each more cramped. Everyone had seen his scars a number of times, but not without a heap of self-conscious discomfort put upon Teddy himself . He could hear whispers sometimes. "You were only trying to be supportive, no need to feel sorry for that." Gradually, Theo pried his arms apart and moved to sit on the edge of the chair opposite the tech engineer. "If there's anything you'd like to talk about, however, by all means. Though I'm afraid I might not be of much help to you." He'd try if there was something he could do though.

Eddie had heard some of the whispers about Theo's scars. Had even seen them himself. But he never participated in the gossip and murmurs, never obliged the small talk. Everyone had their scars, their demons to bear. No reason to draw more attention to them when they already had to find ways to cope with them. Eddie's fingers picked at the corner of the notebook. "Can't say I'm the best at sharing, either," he explained. "Guess I should practice what I preach, right?" Eddie gave a small chuckle, the smile only visible for a short moment. "Usually I just turn to a bottle of booze instead of talking."

Theo still experienced pain throughout the expanse of his scarring. Damage to the nerves from chemical burns via grenade, obviously with a toxic component. Chemical warfare. He never kept track of who he caught staring or whispering behind his back. He didn't much care that they talked. He only disliked the reminder. The way people looked at him or regarded him after having just seen them. No matter how many times it remained the same look. "Fair enough. Can't say I haven't done the same myself." They shared some common ground and the more pieces he fit together, the more he saw a picture developing similar to his own: made up of tragedy. "What do you do out here?" He asked uncharacteristically, letting down his guard somewhat.

"I work," he replied simply. "Keep myself distracted. Anything to keep my mind off of... all that." He didn't even know how to describe it. Or he just didn't want to acknowledge the grief he tried to avoid. Yet Eddie was sharing more with the commander than he would have with anyone else. What that meant, he wasn't sure. Maybe it was something to do with trust? Maybe he felt Theo could relate? "I jot down notes, make up projects for myself. Anything to keep ​going​."

Theo nodded. Work was all he'd known, really. It was largely why he hadn't even begun to address some of the things that cropped up from time to time. Like the things that sometimes caused his stomach to churn in Eddie's presence. Teddy couldn't help it, though he tried. He chortled, having should have known what the man would say given that he was normally busy with​something​. "Suppose I should find some personal projects to occupy the late-night downtime." He could potentially go through telemetry reports and update some sequences for future operation. He could also tweak some current procedures and evasive maneuvers. They were always monitoring and adjusting for atmospheric changes and things floating in the vast universe. "Sometimes," he sighed, "sometimes the work isn't enough for me though.." The commander chewed his lip.

"Sometimes it isn't for me, either," he admitted, "otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation." Eddie offered the commander a small smile before his gaze dropped to the notebook again. Had work been enough to keep his mind occupied, Eddie would have been doing said work. Yet he would find himself thinking about Jason, the what ifs and the past. Their last conversation; not much of a conversation, more of an argument... Even thinking about Theo, catching himself staring at his commander longer than he meant to, realizing that his bright eyes reminded Eddie of Jason-- Eddie's jaw clenched, gulping down a lump that gathered in his throat. "Guess we're both sort of stuck, huh..."

Theo didn't respond to the statement, but it resonated with him. It was always easier to focus on others' issues than your own it seemed. The commander often busied himself with his crew and assisting with their work any way he could. Luckily he was knowledge in many things, and also experienced from previous missions. Despite his military background, he wasn't a total hard-ass although he could be intimidating when displeased. Overall, he was firm but fair and generally approachable. The late hour revealed more of what he kept to himself during the waking hours. "Perhaps we should have thought about it before coming all the way out here," he chuckled, folding his hands together in his lap casually. Visibly relaxing somewhat. "I did everything I was supposed to, to get here. But it still didn't turn out ​right​."

"Guess so." He chuckled with Theo, also seeming to relax. Perhaps his reason for being as open as he was with Theo was because of how approachable and fair the commander was, despite his reputation and military background. Eddie admired that in a leader. Didn't let their rank get to their head. Not that he couldn't speak with or get along as well with the others; Theo was also just more relatable to him. Dark brown eyes lifted from the table top to meet Theo's gaze. "What was 'right'?" he asked, then paused upon realizing how invasive the question was. "Sorry, nevermind."

Theo gave Eddie a small grin as they chuckled, the tension in the air appearing to dissipate ever so slightly. Teddy had bonded with each crew member in different ways. Some he was more casual with, others he had a better working relationship with. Flynn was one of very few he both worked well with closely and related to on a more casual and personal level as well. They seemed to each talk with one another more than the others. The commander shook his head and waved a hand toward the other man, "No, it's alright. I sort of invited the intrusion now, didn't I?" Again he gave the other a smile but it wasn't very convincing. "​Right​ would have been actually saving my best friend in the blast that gave me those scars on my back," he said, gaze fixed on Flynn's notebook upon the table rather than the man himself.

Eddie didn't expect Theo to give him an answer, especially after his response to the remote suggestion of even talking about whatever bothered him. So he was a bit surprised to hear what his commander had been keeping buried all this time. Being unable to save his friend and having those scars on his back as a constant reminder. "I'm sorry about your friend." He gave a small shake of his head, "Couldn't imagine having to go through something like that.." It was one thing losing someone you cared about, it was another thing actually ​being​ there.

Theo didn't expect to actually share much of anything. at least that night. He rarely did after all. But in thinking of Noah, he'd begun to feel more and more as if he'd wronged him. Not only in life but also in death. So perhaps that prompted his sudden reveal. A way for his sub-conscious to reach out where Teddy himself was too stubborn and fearful to seek any sort of help or comfort in another. "It was quite a long time ago now," he murmured, recalling much of the events as if they'd only just happened. They occurred too often to fade from memory like other things had.

“Long time ago or not, it's still tough to cope," he pointed out. That was enough to reveal that maybe he ​could​ imagine what Teddy was going through. Eddie shifted a bit in his seat, torn between speaking up or keeping his mouth shut. "My boyfriend died almost two years ago. Last time we talked, we got in a fight. Before I could say I was sorry, he died in a car accident." He gave a shake of his head, mostly at himself, while he leaned back in his seat. That time he didn't meet Theo's gaze. 

Theo merely swallowed and said nothing, the silence serving to confirm Flynn's statement. The man's sudden shifting didn't go unnoticed by the commander, his blue gaze carefully taking him in as he shared something deeply personal and tragic in return. "I'm sorry, Eddie.." He didn't know what to do, this was out of his depth. He had more in common with the man than he realized and as he looked at him, he saw him through different eyes: he was just as broken as he. 

Eddie gave a small nod, because it was all he could do to acknowledge the condolences. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it, but he just never really knew how to handle this whole grieving process. Not very well, anyway. At least for himself. "I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, I guess. Thought maybe the less I talked about it, the less it hurt. Hasn't been working out that well, honestly."

Theo knew it didn't help, as it hadn't helped him with Noah either. But he could also relate. He could never really acknowledge the condolences himself. "I know what you mean.." Teddy responded quietly. It felt strange to hear himself talking about it - especially voluntarily - after having ignored it for so long. The dome seemed far smaller now than it had before, air thick with tension once again. It unsettled him somewhat.

Eddie should have known it didn't work. He had gone this long not talking about Jason, hoping it would have helped him move on, but it was only making things worse. Working through the pain was only a distraction, nothing more, and Eddie knew it. But he still gave into the delusion. It was strange for him to talk about it, too, especially after so long. "Working's a temporary distraction. But when we get back..." he shook his head. What would happen then? 

To Theo, everything seemed temporary. He'd lived a life without roots for so long he didn't have a place he called home. He had only had Noah. His friend had said that when they'd finish their service, as a way to celebrate and take some time off, he'd buy a globe and spin it and - without looking - Theo would pick a spot and that's where they'd go. That's where they'd start at least. It never happened though. He just dove straight into NASA after recovering. He stood, the air becoming stifling, and went to leave the little observatory. He stopped beside Flynn to place a hand on the man's shoulder, "a day at a time is sometimes all we can do," he said then removed his hand, unsure what else to say or do.

Eddie only lifted his gaze when the commander stood from his spot. He didn't blame him for wanting to step away; the conversation left the air in the room pretty heavy. On top of it all they were both going through losing someone they cared about. Eddie turned his head toward Theo, his gaze dropping to the hand on his shoulder. A light tingling spread from the touch through his body and Eddie felt a little more reassured at the other man's words. Even if it wasn't much, it did mean quite a bit to him. "Yeah," he agreed, "guess it is... um, sort of helps, too, just having someone to listen, even if I'm just rambling. So... thanks, Ripley."