#ed solider

i havent lifted in 2 days. yesterday was an unplanned rest day and i ate quite less than normal. today i went on a pretty easy almost 2 hour hike, walked about half an hour around my neighborhood, and worked a 3 hour relatively slow waitressing shift. i did some shoulder band work at home but not much. i ate a lot today, i just felt super hungry and ate higher in fat than usual. was it all healthy? no. was it vegan? of course. am i scared? my instincts say YES but my need to face these fears is greater than my disorder. i craved pb on bread with agave and raisins after about 3000 calories of food, so i had some until i was satisfied. i dont need to justify myself, there are so many reasons why my body could need this food, i didnt stuff myself which im also proud of. im full. im learning how to heal myself, and its not going to be a perfect recovery. ill get to the point of a comfortable balance between my mind, body, and soul. i think the most notable parts of this are that of course my choices are vegan, and also that im trying to be okay with fueling my body with the amount of food it needs. im trying.

okay just because i need to get my thoughts out of my head in some form; i ate a lot today, it was a rest day pretty much aside from light tennis and walking. nothing strenuous. and i ate a lot, deciding to treat myself. it probably came to 4000 calories, maybe a little more- i stopped tracking around 3200. i didnt even measure everything i estimated some of it. i had a vegan scone from whole foods, one of the new wink desserts pints omg, lots of rye bread, and quite a few scoops of tofu italian rice salad. all of it was so good and very unplanned but thats life right? you dont always plan what youre gonna eat, sometimes you eat past fullness sometimes you eat a lot, and you just enjoy it because life comes around once and why should i decline delicious vegan treats when offered on a special occasion? honestly its not a big deal. im active for 1.5+ hours almost every day and eat a mostly healthy diet of whole foods. i dont need to even justify myself to myself, or my ed tendencies. i. am. okay!!!!!!!

today was an unplanned but active rest day. went for a nice walk outside for a couple hours with my favorite guy instead of the gym. i could feel in my soul that i needed a break from lifing and cardio today. but i still ate around 3000 calories including 2 builder bars. and i thought about it- its really not so weird to eat this much food. im a tall girl with a wider frame than most, lifting 6 days a week with 20+ minutes of cardio after. not that i need to justify my intake but i always leave the gym drenched after my workout. its okay. today's food was so damn good. maybe i needed all this energy, maybe i just wanted good food that tasted yummy. but something that @oatsnjen wrote struck a cord with me. the only way out is through. if i want to beat this i need to stop avoiding and start living. so today i did.

ive been so damn hungry the past couple weeks. my weights gone up a bit, i feel a little puffy even though ive been told it doesnt look like i am. knowing that im eating 3000+ calories is fucking with my head so bad. i was doing well for a few weeks eating 2600-2800 and mostly on the lower end of that range. but one day of serious hunger turned into two weeks of serious hunger. maybe my body just wants to be at this weight. who knows. im just trying to be at peace with myself at every stage of body transformation.

just a message to anyone who may be struggling right now - maybe youre thinking it wont get better. youll never be happy. none of this is worth it... trust me - it does get better. it really really does. you are never alone, there is always a solution to whatever you are dealing with. storms dont last forever, the sun is still shining behind the clouds and it cant stay hidden forever. your life is priceless. of course its worth it. you are strong and beautiful and smart and most importantly you are enough, just as you are. there is a bright side, and you need to be around to see it. keep on keeping on, it really does get better.

i also just ate like 3300 calories because i wanted all the foods yolo. one day means nothing in the grand scheme of things- one less than great workout, indulging a bit tonight- means nothing. it all gonna be okay i have to say this because it just came to my head. people who have never struggled with an eating disorder will never understand the need for recovery- for nights when you need to let go of the reigns a bit, regardless of where you are in your fitness journey. people who follow macros so strictly all the time and dont allow for weekly indulgences- hey if thats what you love, im happy it makes you happy. tracking makes me happy too. but tonight i just wanted to eat some good vegan food and thats completely alright. my healthy is no one else's healthy, and it should be like that for everyone. define your own healthy and dont let anyone do it for you. if that means eating peanut butter out of the jar then fucking do it.