#ebayqueen

So, today, I proudly told my mom that I hit 30 followers on Tumblr. Like, I was genuinely excited. 30 whole people are out there somehow caring about my thoughts and content. That’s a win, right? I thought, “Hey, maybe my mom will get it. She might even care that her kid is out here living the dream in the vast void of the internet.”

And then, she hits me with this gem:

“I have two. On eBay.”

I just stared at her. I’m not even sure I blinked. Did she really just say that? Did my mom just try to one-up me by flexing her two followers on eBay?

Like, I couldn’t even process it at first. She was completely serious, all like, “I’ve got two followers on eBay. That’s social media too, right?”

And I’m standing there, facepalming internally, trying to figure out how to explain that eBay is not social media. So I calmly (but internally screaming) say, “Mom, the social in social media is because you can, you know, interact with other people. Like, comment, share stuff, have conversations… basically anything that doesn’t involve buying and selling your weird, out-of-date kitchenware.”

And she hits me back with: “Well, you can do that on eBay too. I talk to people all the time about my listings!”

Okay, hold on. Excuse me? NO. You don’t just get to sell your old VHS tapes and think that’s the same as engaging in an actual social community where people share memes, argue about fictional characters, and post their latest existential crises. Just because someone messages you asking if you’ll ship to Estonia doesn’t mean you’re suddenly socializing. It’s eBay, mom. Not Facebook.

I spent the next 10 minutes explaining how, no, eBay is not where social media happens, but I could see her eyes glaze over. It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall, and the wall is convinced that "selling your used socks" is a social experience. Like, okay, mom, sure. Whatever you say.

So now, every time I open Tumblr, I’m gonna have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that my mom thinks she’s a social media influencer with her two followers on eBay. I might as well just quit the internet right now because that’s it. She’s out here thinking eBay is the next Twitter.

I’ve tried to convince her otherwise. I really have. But I think I’m just going to let her live in this delusion where she’s one message away from becoming the next eBay Queen. 🙃