#eagleone!anon

Azune felt his body stiffen, uncooperative in those beloved hands.   His body was still while his mind was racing, how could he have been so stupid, so careless.   And now Hal knew and he could feel the edges unraveling as he desperately searched for how to make this right, to protect that and those which he held most dear.

He wasn't going to compare the memories of yielding to another man's hands and body while resisting this one.

He wasn't going to think about the kind smile he could hear in Hal's voice, how it changed and warped in his mind to whisper that Hal would be glad if he took another lover, would be glad if Azune came around less, perhaps would be glad to offload him, to make him someone else's problem, to give him away, to leave him on a street corner and….

He had to focus on the right now.  "It's nothing, Hal….."  That wasn't right,  he had been stupid and Hal would know what he had seen, he had to spin this another way.  "... not yet."  The words burned in his throat.

".... you know you can tell me, right?"  Hal spoke calmly and softly, his hands just resting around him, trying not to feel too proud.  He knew that his boy had had dalliances in the past.  He had  never pressed him for details, and to his knowledge it had not happened since they had gotten together, despite Hal's reassurances.  He also had seen Azune's level of obliviousness when people showed interest in him, so if the younger man had noticed at all, let alone reciprocated, he would count it as win.

"I know, Hal."  Perhaps if he kept his voice to a whisper, he could keep the heartbreak out of it, could keep what he had here, with Hal, just a little bit longer.  "There really isn't anything…."

Hal did his best to keep his own voice light.  "You can tell me on your own time, sweet boy.   I trust you."  He couldn't quite help but wonder, though… Azune had been working so much recently, and when he wasn't working he was usually here, when would he have had time to… a frown crossed his face.  "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it but… could you listen for a moment?"

Azune nodded slowly, he could do that.  He could do anything for Hal.  

Carefully Hal eased one hand under his boy's shirt, resting his palm low on his stomach, trying to share some of his own ease with him, to let him hear his words.  "We've talked about how… your body is your own, yes?   How you do not need to let anyone else touch it in a way you do not wish?"  

It wasn't the first time he'd brought this up with his boy, and it probably would not be the last.  With his own children it had been an important topic though their childhood but particularly emphasized during adolescence as they began to explore relationships with their peers.  With Azune it was something they returned to now and then as adults, and particularly since taking him to his bed.   

"I know, Hal…." There was just the smallest bit of sharpness there, and he regretted it instantly. Hal didn't deserve his ire.   He didn't deserve Hal, or his kindness, or his understanding or a place in his house, in his home, in his bed, in his life…

"Oh sweet boy come here… "   Hal's arms were more insistent now, and he was grateful to feel Azune move for him now.   "Shall we go somewhere more comfortable?"

Azune started to shake his head, he didn't deserve comfort, but he stopped himself, because Hal did, and allowed himself to be led, up the stairs, down the hall, on the well-known path to Hal's bedroom.

Azune wondered if it would be for the last time.   If Hal found out what he had done, what he's doing, he would not be allowed to stay.  Azune would not allow himself to stay.  He could hear Thjazi's voice clear and firm in his head, that Hal was to be protected from certain things.   This surely was one of those things. 

And yet the idea of lying to him, of looking into those eyes and spinning a pleasant lie the way he did so easily to others, was that not just as sure of a path to losing him?

He followed where Hal led, he would always follow where he led.  He followed to the bedroom, across the floor, allowing those hands to strip him down.  He already felt so bare before him, what was one more thing.  He held back tears as Hal lay down and pulled him in close, denied even the comfort of being at the man's feet, images flashing in his head of someone else being allowed that.  Hal had promised none would take his place.  But that was before… this.  

"I'll do better next time," he promised softly against Hal's chest. That was true, it was his fault Hal felt bad right now, Azune had brought something to his home that should never have crossed his door.   "I knew I shouldn't have let him."  Also true, in a way.  He knew it would upset Hal.  But he also knew it had to be done, there was so much riding on him maintaining his position, his trust, at work and with the Einfasans. "It.. it wasn't anything bad, Hal.   I'd tell you if it was."   Shamefully true.   His body had responded, there was no doubt of that.  And Azune had clocked his mood ahead of time, had made sure to slick and prepare his body to make sure no harm came to something that belonged to Hal.

Hal's arms tightened a bit around him, but he didn't speak for a moment, letting his boy get out all the words he needed to.  His heart eased at the idea that his boy had not been violated, but even what had happened, however minor it was, brought out impulses in him that he preferred not to examine.  

"I'm sorry for what happened, dear-heart.   I'm glad it won't happen again… I promise it was not your fault…."  His fingers moved lightly down his spine but stopped at the small of his back, not continuing down as he normally would, not wanting to assume what Azune might or might not want tonight.  "Would you like to lead tonight, darling?  Or remain as we are?"  he offered softly.

Azune had thought he had known how it felt to be heartbroken.  He had been wrong.   The soft denials while being held close hit far more painfully than anything Einhasen had done to him.  Was this to be his punishment, then?  To be allowed to lay here, skin to skin, while those things closest to his heart were taken away from him one by one by loving hands?  

Hal was not a cruel man.  Only rarely had he asked Azune to endure for him, and each one of those times was a treasure jealously hoarded.   But this… Azune did not know if he would survive.  He did not know if he was intended to.  He would rather be cast out entirely.   But it was not for him to decide.  

"... it's okay darling boy…."  Hals words were soft and kind, and his arms tucked him close.  "It's okay if you can't tell me.  You're safe here…"

He was, and that was the problem, wasn't it.   He laid close, allowed Hal's words to drift over him.   Tomorrow he would do better.   He would find it in himself to lie, it was selfish of him want to hold onto Hal's trust at the expense of hurting him.  He would smile and reassure him, and find more excuses to stay away.   He wouldn't think of someone else who was learning to be in his place, who would be gifted the touches Hal no longer saw fit to bestow on him.   Or perhaps he would force himself to think, to remember the man he loved would be fine without him, perhaps that would bring him enough comfort to do what needed to be done.  

Azune may be a stupid and selfish boy, but he would not make the same mistake twice.  He would male sure the price of this would taken out of his own flesh before Hal was asked to pay a single copper.