#dvmemories

I won’t deny, at first my attachment to him solely dealt with his personality, the way he carried himself and how fucking incredibly intelligent he is. The way he runs laps around my brain turns me on faster than any shirtless guy I’ve ever drawn. His use of vocabulary, the way he seamlessly tries to explain science to me keeps me more mesmerized longer than any painting I’ve ever stared out. I’ve discovered that people are prettiest when they talk about something they really love with passion in their eyes, therefore it truly amazes me just how much of a superb human being he is and he has no damn clue, it’s oblivious to him. Why? Because of deceitful, obnoxious females who continue to drag his name through the dirt. Bless his heart, for they do not, and cannot comprehend that his loyalty lies within his eyes. He genuinely listens to your concerns and it shows through his eyes. They do not, and cannot understand that his compassion lies within his hands. His embrace is so pure and reassuring, I can’t fathom why anyone would not want to have that for the rest of their fucking lives. It’s mind blowing and completely sickening how people today look past one another not knowing that someone who’s capable of loving you for a lifetime is right in front of you. But people brush it off like a piece of shit. It drives me insane because relationships are investments not hobbies. We gotta grow up sometime. I’ve been in one relationship thus far in my life, and I must say had it been with someone like this guy here -I’m pretty confident I would’ve busted my ass to make sure we both were content. But people don’t understand that anyone can fall in love, or obtain feelings for someone. But dammit it takes maturity and self-growth to actually keep those feelings constant. And if either sides are lacking, there’s going to be 2 outcomes. 1 - One side is going to give up and end it or 2 - One side is going to give up while the other side picks up the slack to keep it going. There’s no going back after option one. But dammit if it’s option two, then the one picking up the slack is someone you’d better fucking hang on to. And that’s exactly the type of person he is. He tries so hard to keep his happiness alive and me being his gay friend, I don’t know how to console him without it coming off as something more. I am so fucking lost about how I feel for this boy it’s ridiculous. In all honesty I'd be okay with him ripping my shirt off and pinning me against a wall without warning but that’s only a scene in my drawings. Regardless, I just want him to be happy. It shames me to hear of his discouragement from irrelevant females who make me vomit at the thought of kissing him, because I know there are several hard working women out there who’d enjoy every bit of him. I know I would. Alas, finding those particular women explains his continuous struggle. But as always, I wish him the best. Lights out. 

BLISS My life is full of blessings and blissfulness. I am content with who I am, where I am in my life and who I have in my life. To my roommate, we have created a living environment that not only satisfies me physically but also emotionally. I am not afraid to completely relax and be myself alone or with you. I am not worried about being judged after a long day of finally being able to work two jobs. I am thankful. To my mothers, biological and adoptive, you raised a leader who wholeheartedly lives his life to the fullest. To my adoptive father, te quiero mucho y gracias por todo. To my friends, I hope I have impacted your life as much as you have mine. Everyday I am reminded of various memories that consume my mind and I smile with a peaceful heart knowing that I have shared such precious moments with so many. It truly is breathtaking having others to love and knowing they love you back. To my family, you cannot pick them sometimes and I am so glad I was born into one such as grand as ours. We're a unit, constantly growing, learning and enjoying one another. Don't be afraid to lean on each other, especially me. We've come too far to not be able to check on each other in times of need instead of just simple phone calls. Spend quality time when possible, it defiantly makes a difference. To myself, carry on. You are such a dedicated young man to your community, your work and especially to your art, which will go far when the time comes. Enjoy your life and the small things like hugs and laughter. Cherish all the good things.

23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I wish for me, my friends, family and all those who fight for it, to be as successful as they strive to be.

-DePaul Vera

.people ask me, "depaul, who do you talk to about your issues or when life gets hard?" .well, no one .i talk to myself, because i am the only person i've ever had .i'm the one that knows what is best for me and i know i will never let myself down .i've given this world all of my energy thus far and shall continue to do as such but with moments like tonight, there comes a time when enough is enough .i know my limits and they were reached tonight .i don't ask much from people, i rarely do anyways, so when i do ask, it should be understood how much of a major deal it is .yet, nobody listens to me until it's too late and then suddenly my words become heroin, the drug that they need to solve their problems .i'm so tired of giving my all to people and getting just a smidget of satisfaction in return .now, keep in mind i do not expect to get anything in return .however, what the fuck ever happen to common courtesy or generosity? .it has disappeared and it's pathetic .blame it on the demographic i'm surrounded by or the lack of knowledge they possess .regardless, i am tired of the ones i am surrounded by .they use me, abuse me and take me for granted and it's overrated .yet, it is my job to ensure the safety of these individuals are top notch, no matter the circumstances .but my energy is fading .i'm jealous .i'm torn .i'm hurt .the more i talk to myself, the more i become frustrated with my sexuality and my lack of attraction to the female form .it devastates me how much i despise the female figure and everything about it .i am not attracted to girls, i am not interested in vaginas, not having intercourse with them .and the more i think about this, the more i hate myself .i do not feel normal in the circumstances i am in .i do not feel welcomed, or accepted because of my attraction to men .it's still so frowned upon and disgusting, even with people who call me their friend, their mentor, their inspiration .they still look at me as some piece of shit sissy boy who likes other boys .it's heartbreaking .yet, i am still required to walk around as if none of those things are running through my mind .no one knows what is hiding underneath my tongue, how much pain is trying to escape, how much anger is building up, how many tears need shedding .why? .because of the lack of acceptance in the town of Murray .i need release .i need solace .but it's not my turn to have my way

For living in the same place for four and half years, it's nothing but understandable how once it was a place I called my freedom and emancipation. It was once my solace and remedy of healing and mending of an already broken childhood. This beautiful place of calmness, this place that is Murray has become an absolute black hole of turmoil that continues to suck every ounce of life from my veins and leaving me gasping for help. But no one is far out in space as I, no one knows my trauma as well as I, no one knows my life anymore because I don't see the point in trying to explain the complexities of a situation to someone when they cannot even grasp the essential dilemma in the beginning. It's useless. It's pathetic. But I am constantly and persistently helping others, bettering them, guiding them, loving them, be friending them, why? Because I didn't have anyone, not one soul to advise me through the many hardships I've endeavored throughout my life. But I had myself and I know how extremely difficult it is for yourself to be your only motivation. By all means of determination it is by far the most exhausting experience as a human that I do not wish upon any soul. That is why I strive to be that help, for others to not have to face such a tedious lifestyle that could potentially force you to do the ultimate.  Life goes on, and with it so does the drama. Of all people, I am the least interested in gossip unless it pertains to me specifically because that becomes my situation to handle. In a sense it is none of my business of what another individual says about me behind my back, however, I will never hesitate to confront the matter, regardless of the person. I have hid in the closet for too long and kept my voice quiet for too many years for it not to be heard when words of destruction are spit upon me. Fuck that. Same goes for others assuming my life has always been this way. People are beyond mystified when I try to inform them how introverted I used to be and how I still am to this day introversive. Growing up as a black male, only child who was interested in art lead me to live most of my life in the far corner with my stack of computer paper and a box of 120 crayons (with the pencil sharpener in the back.) Carefree as ever, only worried about my next drawing and if I would stay in the lines this time when I knew it truly didn't matter because I was the only person concerned with my art. I was the only one then, and I am still the only one now. No one truly cares about what I make unless they are involved in it. That is why my Northern Lights have become so popular because it involves other people who want to see their face in art. Which isn't a bad thing at all, it's flattering to them I suppose, but where were they when I was doing my other work. I go on. It's amazing that so many people think they have me figured out when in complete honesty, they have no idea of the hidden bullshit I continue to put up with today. Especially being so open about my sexuality. This is what confuses me, for others to wonder about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and who I'm doing it with is one thing. But for someone to ask anyone about my life besides myself shows how much of a coward they are. I wear this purity ring loud and proud with the morals my mother raised me. ......

.less than one hundred days of chaos until my california dream becomes evident .no longer bound by the various hardships of misunderstandings .no more frustration of not being able to spread my wings and soar  .at last a constant spark of joy will be glistening from my eyes as i gaze out to the horizon of my new home .my new life .the waiting .the thought of his presence makes time accelerate beyond belief .the thought of his touch makes my heart dance and flutter alongside a million butterflies .the thought of his kiss makes the universe disintegrate, leaving me breathless in catastrophic danger .i want his apocalyptic kiss

I am not alright, i'm more confused and mystified than I've ever been and I have no intentions on correcting the matter .simply just letting it be is my solution .why? .for what's the point on complicating a situation with various could-of-beens or various imaginative scenarios that will never happen .i don't want it .i am tired of living my life with mystery and wonder, i want answers .i say fuck labels and go for what you want, no matter what it is .it doesn't matter if society condemns your ways, it doesn't matter if your family is non-supportive, it doesn't matter if others don't agree, it doesn't matter of the reactions, it just doesn't matter .you don't need other's approvals to be happy, although it would be nice, it's not necessary .yourself, alone is your happiness, you have to make it happen .you have to know your worth and believe it, know you're worth more than to settle for anything less than what you deserve .life is not long enough to dwell on satisfying others and it's not worth it .let it go and be free -enjoy your fucking life