she knows that it had been difficult , knowing that Cassandra was living & breathing again . the once quelled anxiety & fear that had come from the thought of her coming back & him leaving had only come back & it had her sick to her stomach . narcissa had been sitting cross legged on the bed , hands fidgeting , swallowing hard as she listens to him talk , listens to him talk about how he is having a hard time adjusting & she could feel the stinging in the back of her throat that had come before the tears . she had thought that this was over , that there would be no uncertainty between them . that in the end , it was going to be them —— that one day she would ask him to turn her to spend eternity with him , but now she is starting to wonder what he wanted . especially since he had a hard time adjusting to things , what was he adjusting to . ‘ I can’t keep doing this . ‘ her words are strained , mainly to attempt to not let sadness creep through , to not let some insecurity come through since she rarely allowed these feelings to overwhelm her more than once . ‘ she is your first love & you are mine . but i cannot — i will not , beg again . ‘ jaw is set as she looks at him , the hurt obvious but there is a fierceness behind her gaze , something that tells him that she isn’t going to do this again . it was time to make the decision . ‘ i am not one for an ultimatum , but if you can’t choose me & only me , then i will make the decision for you . ‘
Like riding on a rollercoaster, a rush of emotions that were as much of an adrenaline shot as they were draining. Like sinking his fans into the warm flesh of his very first victim and having the dense, hot liquid invading his mouth, touching his tongue only to face the guilt of it later. He felt confused, frustrated and guilt mixing with joy and... overwhelming love. For her, for Cassandra. You never forget your first love, he muses. But even then, he never expected it to be this much, this hard. Adapting to the idea of having his very first love around again, within reach, it was as maddening as it had been losing her all those years ago. He’s trying, he had been trying ever since waking up to move past it and he had believe, foolishly, that he had managed but now... now he wasn’t so sure. Only thing he’s completely sure of is his burning love for Narcissa, maddening on it’s own. Driving him insane with want, need, desire. He needs her as much as he can’t seem to tear himself away from Cassandra, not entirely. Her words bring a frown to his features, deep and disturbing. He’s upset, at himself, at the situation. He had sworn to never hurt her again but it seems like the only thing he’s capable of doing ( and loving her, loving her too... insanely, madly ) he stops his pacing to look at her, truly look at her with a plea in his eyes and desperation on his fingers and he steps closer to her, despite his own uncertainty “ I’m not ---- I don’t...” ( i don’t want you to beg, i don’t want you to leave ) but somehow the words seem stuck on his throat “ I’m trying... Narcissa i don’t... i don’t want to lose you ----i’m trying... she was my first love... but you’re my love now -------i need you.”
