#dvesinthewind

There were times when you'd be out with close friends, anxiously anticipating the moment they'd ask about Kyle; if you'd heard from him, if he planned on "popping the question" anytime soon, each question summoning a sensation of utter embarrassment. Your cheeks would grow hot, the group would instantly turn to face you, and the only thing you could do was mutter an absolute bullshit response about how you weren't sure, and that you assumed he was doing well wherever he was, that he could hold up his own. Any response earned you a unanimous glance of pity, causing you to curse your boyfriend in whatever foreign country he resided in.

The worst wasn't even close friends or family, it could be strangers sharing their personal experiences of being cheated on by their partner while they were serving overseas--not to say you ever considered that Kyle would do such a thing, but your Kyle was not the same as Captain John Price's Gaz. There were countless nights you spent lying awake praying Kyle was as safe as he could be, and that he could somehow find the time to contact you and let you know that was true.

Perhaps that's why you were awoken so suddenly.

A trace of sweat had aligned itself amongst your brows and on the back of your neck, enough to be noticeably uncomfortable as you launched your head from its position on your pillow. Kyle's pillow was left untouched as if no one had ever slept there, to begin with. The bedding had been changed enough times that his scent was washed away with it, but his presence was not completely erased from the shared apartment. One of his jackets had been draped over the vanity chair in your bedroom-- the same jacket you asked him to hang up but he never did. There were numerous framed pictures of the two of you throughout the home, from years ago to just a few months before he departed for what felt like forever. His cologne remained on the nightstand, and his books about the moon landing and world history, and the lamp beside the bed that hasn't been used since the night he left. The furniture he brought from his own apartment before you moved in together was suddenly sticking out to you as if a stranger could cut the apartment into two equivalent halves of the two different partners who peacefully coexist in a shared space.

The more you studied the home the more it felt like you were grieving the death of the man you love and suddenly your eyes were soaked with tears and your chest rapidly rose and fell in desperation for clarity through oxygen. The photos, his presence lingering amongst all the walls and on the sheets on which he slept and entangled himself with you, the jacket that slouched behind you while you sat at the vanity-- an everlasting reminder that he was once here, that it wasn't just your home it was his too.

You're lulled to sleep, and before you know it, your cell phone is buzzing on the table beside you. Rubbing your eyes gently--not bothering to check the caller ID, you press the cold screen against your tear-stained cheeks and sleepily utter, "...hullo?", only to hear exactly what you'd been anticipating for ages. Kyle's voice is full of exhaustion, yet there's a hint of excitement overlapping it. He tells you he's finally coming home, and despite wanting to surprise you, he couldn't wait to speak to you any longer. He's rushed off the phone, and you can subtly hear a faint Scottish voice in the background that prompts a chuckle on behalf of your boyfriend just before he promises to see you soon. An audible click is heard and somewhat cues an unsettling feeling in your abdomen. You fear you should be much happier than you are.

When Kyle arrives, you're practically standing up against the apartment door. He's just as you remember him to be, and you're somewhat confused as to why you expected him to look any different. His face is somewhat freshly shaven and his skin has no indications of dirt or anything unpleasant. Even his clothes have been newly washed and exchanged for items you hadn't seen before.

He strides forward in an instant, dropping his bags and pulling you into him in a bone-crushing hold that leaves you exhaling in relief. You remembered seeing something ages ago-- whether it be in a movie or novel, or relationship advice online, you couldn't remember. It was actively stressing the importance of distance between lovers, and that the adoration will be much stronger if you haven't seen them in a while.

You remembered that one photo of the soldier before and after enduring war, but Kyle didn't appear that way. His skin was not jaded and indented with the horrors of what he had seen abroad. There were no scars on his face that were remnants of, or evidence of the brutalities he's committed. He was the same Kyle that you had last seen before he left, but still, you pull him further away from you after examining him for evident injuries, holding him at arm's length and watching his eyebrows furrow slightly in what could be bemusement or offense-- you couldn't be sure.

He can tell something's bothering you, but it seems something is preventing him from asking you about it. Perhaps he assumes it's hormonal or that it'll pass, and if you're honest, you keep wishing it would. You can't help but feel selfish for holding some sort of stubborn grudge against him for leaving and being MIA for so long. It's his job, and you knew what you signed up for. But as he lays beside you for what feels like the first time in ages, and his warmth can be felt from your side of the mattress, you're convinced he isn't fazed by the distance. Just the other night you awoke spontaneously and were hit with the disappointment that he was not home to comfort you, and you didn't know if he ever would be. You slip from the comforter then, pulling a blanket over your hardly-exposed body and stepping onto the balcony for a breath of air.

You aren't gone long before he notices your absence. In fact, he was awake the entire time leading up to your departure. Sleeping on near-cardboard mattresses and hard, tile floors for several months before coming home to a warm bed isn't very easy to readjust to. He just wanted to give you a moment before following closely behind.

The night air is unkind to his bare chest, a great contrast from the comforter he unraveled himself from that smelled faintly of your self-care products and laundry detergent. A familiar scent he missed greatly while overseas. He approaches you while you seem dazed, instinctively sitting beside you and wrapping himself into the blanket you have snuggly over your body. You seem partially surprised, but nevertheless, settling further into the warmth of his naked chest and feeling the rise and fall caress your back. "That's better," he sighs into your hair, and you can feel his lips grow into a smirk. Bastard.

You ponder for a moment before speaking into the night; "I've missed you so much I feel like I don't know what to talk about," you confess.

Kyle nods somewhat understanding. "Why don't you start by telling me what's wrong?"

"Don't you wanna hear what's right first?" He side-eyes you at this, and you fight a smile that's anxiously plotting to take over your lips any second. He tilts his head to the side and you watch his eyebrows raise so subtly that you would've missed it if not been studying his face so extensively. Kyle was a sight for sore eyes.

Defeated, you respond. "The distance is hard, is all. I get lonely and assume the worst-case scenario when you don't call."

He suddenly appears annoyed, and for a second you regret mentioning anything. "You know I try to call when I can, but if it isn't safe for you or me--"

"Then you can't risk it," you continue for him, hearing it more times than you could count. The last thing you wanted to do was upset him this soon into being home, so you face away from your boyfriend and stare into the night sky. "I'm sorry that I'm selfish and want you all to myself," you admit bashfully, this time unable to keep from laughing.

"You're something else, you know that?" Kyle's chest rumbles behind you, and his laugh echoes sweetly in your ears like a forgotten melody you're hearing for the first time since you were a child. A soft kiss is pressed upon your forehead, more down the side of your face. "You don't have to worry about me while I'm away, yeah?" He smugly assures you, "I can hold my own".

You hardly refrain from rolling your eyes. "I'm sure you can, Hercules," you start, prompting a head shake from Kyle. "I know you don't need my protection either, but I love you and you can't blame me for caring about your well-being".

"I'm glad I have you to come home to." Kyle is already so close in proximity, you wonder if he can hear the patter of your heart speed up as he brushes his lips over yours. You find yourself chasing after his lips as he playfully deters you away, edging you from receiving what both of you have waited for for months. He finally connects his lips to yours and they welcome him warmly, a fiery sensation seething heat at your core.

She still called during the day to alert you of her every move in real life and via social media. Calls lasted through the night where conversations would naturally turn a little deeper, revealing personal topics and future aspirations. Maddy already knew everything about you. She brought up Nate less and less, and the optimist in you considered she might’ve changed her mind. If she hadn’t then, she certainly would soon.

But unbeknownst to you, Maddy would lie awake at night, losing sleep over your confession in particular. It wasn’t that Maddy didn’t care, or acknowledge the things you said, (quite the opposite) she just didn’t know how to react.

It was strange how an abrupt conversation could unravel so many memories, ones that she had deemed insignificant in the very moment, but now appeared in a new light once she really dwelled on them. What would life have been like, if Maddy chose you over Nate to begin with?

If you had learned anything from watching Nate and Maddy's unfortunate relationship unfold, it was that flowers were an unacceptable way of apologizing. Sure, flowers were nice, but by the time Nate and Maddy were officially done-- which is said lightly, you were one-hundred percent sure that bouquets of flowers gave her PTSD. Therefore, the materialistic way of expressing how you felt was not going to work, nor did you want it to. You didn't want to be just another Nate Jacobs, and you surely didn't want to mirror his actions as if what he had done was correct to begin with.

You spent the rest of the weekend thinking of the ways you could show Maddy what true love really looked like. It wasn't that you'd ever experienced it--you hadn't experienced much outside of spontaneous hookups anyways, but with Maddy it felt different. You yearned to show her, to feel her, to do all of the things Nate wouldn't have ever even thought of doing. He wouldn't show her a gentle form of love, akin to brushing stray strands of brunette locks off of her perfectly carved face. He wouldn't care for her while she was sick, or listen to her while she vented. He wouldn't care to hear about her dreams and aspirations, what made her mad, what made her feel good about herself. It was all an act for Nate anyways. But unlike Nate, she wouldn't have to put on a show for you.

-

Lexi was vigorously working on her play.

You were sure to be the only one who actually knew it was about you and the rest of the friend group. Lexi was worried it would make them upset. Though, you reassured her all would be well, as long as she told the story for what it was, and not what it was painted to be. She smiled so fondly, ear to ear, and you had thought about when you were just kids. Lexi always occupied a part of your heart, regardless of how blatantly platonic your relationship had always been. Fezco seemingly occupied a majority of her brain nowadays, however, and that was perfectly fine with you.

It had been another casual night at the Howard home. Each of you curled up on the couches alongside Suze who was binging some sort of game show. She made audible comments to the contestants, as if they could hear her, and allowed each of you to know that if she had been sitting on that stage, what decisions she would’ve made differently. You would’ve normally laughed along if Maddy wasn’t practically sitting on your lap. The couches were small as is, but Maddy consciously chose to sit directly on top of you. You felt the rise and fall of her every breath as it hit against your own chest, rhythmic and slow. The mesh top she had on wasn’t helping either.

As if she could sense your gaze, the brunette slowly tilted her head up from your chest. She found your eyes quickly, flashing an innocent smile, before turning back to focus on the TV. You didn’t miss the way she settled herself further into your space either. You indulged for what felt like seconds, before a hurried knock was heard at the front door.

The creases underneath Rue’s eyes were more akin to craters than eye bags. Sunken in, and bruised against her brown skin, they were an evident contrast on her face. Her skin did not hold the usual tanned pigment, but a paleness you had never seen on her before. Her forehead was drenched in sweat, her lungs gasping for any clarity of fresh air, and her long legs were caught up underneath one another in an attempt to enter through the door frame.

Maddy practically leapt at the opportunity to hug the unannounced visitor, clearly not observing her delirious state. Rue briefly smiled, a pained expression only growing on her face. What was she on now? Rue’s brown eyes mainly centered themselves on the floor, avoiding everyone's gaze only to be caught in the foyer of the Howard house surrounded by all of her friends. She caught your eye for just a moment, and you were ashamed to send a pitiful glance her way.

You’d known Rue for a majority of your life. You weren’t as close as she and Lexi were, but when Rue couldn’t go to Lexi, she went to you. It occurred more often once her father passed away, the pain so unbearable that she turned to opiates. As young as you initially were, you didn’t understand. Lexi didn’t do well with holding in such secrets, finding herself teary-eyed in your arms as she mourned who Rue once used to be. Maybe that was why you never exactly pitied Rue, you just empathized. There was no room to pity those who couldn’t care whether or not their situation changed. Lexi’s heart was far too big. You felt as though yours wasn’t big enough.

Once Lexi entered the room, the pit in your stomach grew a little bigger. Her face fell softly, thick brows creased as she studied the girl in the center of the room. Rue stood anxiously while Suze attempted to entertain her, the girl itching to run upstairs and into the bathroom in search of any valuables. She was clever, but you’ve also met her before.

By the time Rue’s mother arrives, you all begin staging some sort of intervention. The brunette at hand, sat on the staircase glaring at each of you for your betrayal. Rue was apparently on the run, from what you weren’t sure.

“This can’t feel good, Rue. Lying to the people you love,” Leslie steps forward to continue. “Being mean to the people you love. This can’t make you feel good about yourself.” The rest of you stood quietly, yourself sitting alongside Lexi as she eyed the carpet. It was far too difficult to hear Rue claim she didn’t care about any of it. You knew she didn’t mean that. She couldn’t have.

Growing up, you lacked patience. It was something that you assumed came naturally to most people, the ability to wait for any sort of outcome with no desperation or anxiety. As you grew older, you attempted to be more patient with the people you surrounded yourself with, the things you wanted to come into fruition. It wasn’t easy to be patient with those struggling with addiction, and you could tell by how much patience Leslie truly lacked. She had fought for so long. When is it appropriate to finally give up?

Cassie finally stepped into the foyer with pure obliviousness etched onto her bare face. She stood not too far from the staircase in a baby pink sweatshirt and faded skinny jeans. From beside Lexi on the small couch, you could see her clearly– her innocent stance as she suggested Rue take it “one day at a time”. She smiled sweetly then, looking around the room for everyone’s approval, and it had to have been the dumbest thing you’d ever heard. It was one thing to be encouraging, but you knew that was the last thing Rue wanted to hear. It was evident the remark must have not pleased Rue very much, for a skeptical look appeared on her glossed face before she opened her mouth to speak.

“Hey, Cass?”

The smile grew larger upon her face, expecting a reward for her utter bravery in telling an addict to take it one day at a time. “Yeah?”

“I have a quick question for you.”

Cassie tilts her head. “What?”

Rue wastes no time. “How long have you been fucking Nate Jacobs?”

The statement being so bold, it hangs in the room for just a moment. It washes over the group in eerie silence and makes time for shock to settle in for all of you. You don’t bother looking to Lexi for her reaction, though you can see her from the corner of your eye watching yours. Your jaw drops open just slightly, and you stop yourself from taking in a breath of air. Your lungs feel the consequence, stilling in your chest just as time had moments before. Your heartbeat thumps against your skull. A stutter exits from Cassie’s lips, and Rue has no problem repeating herself to be any clearer.

Lexi clasps a hand over her mouth, and Maddy is quick to turn to see Kat’s reaction. You settled your back further into the couch cushion, humorlessly laughing at the blonde surveying the room. There was no way Cassie could have done this to Maddy.

“What are you talking about?” Maddy has kept her composure so far, but you know her well enough to know this isn’t going to end well for any of you.

Rue shrugs. “Well, I saw her get in his truck and then kiss him, and drive off. That was like- what... like, a month ago?” Her nonchalance provides a twist in your gut. Rue isn't shy to hurt anyone's feelings. You’re aware it’s not Maddy’s, nor Cassie’s, or her mom’s, or Gia’s. She wants everyone off of her back, and will do anything to have that happen. You find yourself pinching your wrist, closing your eyes in a leisure motion, but the scene continues to unfold and it won’t go away. This cannot be mistaken as a dream. Cassie betrayed Maddy, and the rest of you had to sit there as if you were a jury and be witnesses as the trial continued.

“Can we just table this conversation?” Suze begs, gesturing towards the kitchen but no one moves from where they’re placed. Rue is successful in her attempt, and her mother is seemingly the only person focused on the original intervention. Maddy finally strides over to Cassie’s shaking figure, Kat following suit to be sure Maddy doesn’t do something she’ll likely not regret. The blonde girl refuses to look Maddy in the eye for longer than three seconds, staring directly at Rue as she states, “I don’t even know why you’re believing her, she’s a drug addict!”

Lexi opens the front door, and you find yourself heading straight out of it. The brunette gives you a brief look of concern that fades as soon as she’s out of your view. Everything is so suffocating. The air outside feels much better filtering through your lungs. From here, you listen to the echo as Maddy yells at Cassie. It sounds as if you’re underwater.

Rue seemingly slips past you, sprinting down the everlasting pavement with each fast foot in front of the other. By the time you’ve realized it was actually her, her slim figure disappears down into the abyss. Leslie gets into her car, and you quietly point into the direction her daughter took on her escape route. She attempts a smiles in appreciation, and you slip back into the house with a heavy heart.

Tension slightly cooled after that.

You felt a bit guilty for leaving the house while Maddy had a breakdown, but Kat was alongside her anyway. She could manage. It was difficult enough to be around people who evidently hadn’t experienced normality in their entire life. Naturally, it wasn’t their fault, but there comes a time when the realization that every single burden gifted to us by our parents or society, becomes our own responsibility to be rid of. Cassie is broken, a victim to severe desperation for male validation that would never be fixed as long as she is with Nate. Maddy never experienced authentic love, believing she never will, and that love must be rough in order for it to be true. Kat hated everything about herself, from head to toe. She became the person she fantasized about in her head, only to be displeased with the result. Rue is an addict, through and through. She’s ruined true relationships due to her intoxicated state, prioritizing the temporary high over her own life. Lexi, always the underdog, observes all of this just as you do. She’s left with an alcoholic mother and absent father, and a sister who is broken beyond repair. She leans on you, not because you aren’t just as broken, but because you understand what it’s like to be an observer, to be the one doing the fixing.

-

Just a few days later, Maddy spent the day babysitting.

She took the hair elastic out of her hair, threw on a green bathing suit, and allowed the pool water to carry her through the deep end as if it was guiding her to her destiny. Soaking, brown locks treaded alongside her head, never bothering to wash onto her face. Maddy was not typically one to let chlorine touch her hair, nor her face for that matter. At the moment she didn't really care. The water was colder than it normally was, likely due to time of day. But it had been ironic that the weather had seemingly been far from pleasant, as if Mother Nature herself stirred an incoming storm. Maddy liked to imagine that whomever was in control of the universe had been in touch with her. It made her feel special. It brought a sense of ease--even if it wasn't true, that the universe had Maddy's back no matter what happened. The dark clouds were not ignored by the young girl, and she slipped back into the house moments later.

It wasn't exactly common knowledge, but Maddy wasn't someone who enjoyed spending time alone. Sure, she was independent, but she was also paranoid. Since you had opened up to her the night of her birthday, you were the one she thought of when she conjured up who she would want to be with when she was alone. Not Nate, not that random guy from the New Years party, you. And that was unfamiliar to Maddy in the first place, but she was curious, and let the thoughts linger as along as they pleased.

Fresh out of the swimming pool, she contemplated tugging on dry clothes, but the familiar feeling settled into her abdomen. She stood, bare, in front of the wide mirror, and ran her hands over the width of her recently exposed hips. She let herself imagine your own hands instead of hers, delicately caressing the tan skin with ease. Maddy's eyes fell closed, lashes tickling her skin before calming. There wasn't much guilt, but there was a small amount of shame. Had she liked girls all along? Or was it just you that made her feel this sort of security?

She allowed manicured fingernails to still over her cellphone screen as she hovered over your contact name. You'd never been to the house she babysat at, but she needed you there as soon as possible. She could blame it on her paranoia, and claim she just needed someone's company, but Maddy knew it was something more.

You arrived not long later, eyes heavy from exhaustion. Maddy had changed into something dry, and more revealing, clad in a typically fashionable outfit as her long, wet hair flipped around with every movement. You watched the voluminous body of her brunette locks sway along with her hips as she trailed back into the home she just let you inside of. She felt your gaze stronger this time, maybe because she was hoping for it.

"This is a nice house," you stated, dragging fingertips along a countertop, and inspecting not a speck of dust left as residue. "Do you clean it too?"

Maddy scoffed as she looked at you through her false lashes, as if the question was incredibly ridiculous. "Of course I clean it," she settles onto the sofa, patting the cushion beside her, "you think I just like, hangout with their son?"

You look around once more. "Does seem like they have a lot of money to spare."

Maddy doesn't respond to this. Instead she picks around at the skin bordering her acrylics. You were sure a portion of that babysitting money was generously spent on said nails, but that was none of your business.

"I didn't mean anything by that," you jumped to say, a bit weary at Maddy's sudden silence.

She takes a long, deep breath, chest filling with air, and brings a hand up to wave you off. "I know you didn't, I've just kind of been in my head lately, I guess..."

The brunette trails off. It appears as if she has more to say, but is holding back in hopes she won't have to say it aloud.

"About the whole Cassie thing?"

"Yeah, definitely. Along with other things."

"You never told me you were having issues besides what happened with Nate and Cassie-" you said, obliviously.

Maddy sighs in slight frustration. It was evident you weren't going to bring it up on your own. "Are we seriously not going to talk about the night of my birthday party?"

You made yourself small. "I didn't know you wanted to talk about it."

"We can't just like, forget about it, as if it never happened." Maddy's eyes study your face carefully. What did she want you to say?

"Maddy, I really don't know what else needs to be said. It was in the heat of the moment-"

"So you didn't mean anything you said?"

You found your hands clasped in your lap, moist from increased nervousness. You felt as if Maddy had better things to worry about than whether or not her best friend had truly confessed feelings for her that night. What about Nate and Cassie? Did that really not shock Maddy enough for her to forget about literally anything else? Everything with Maddy had always been a losing game.

"Of course I meant it."

-

Lexi's play comes around like anything else, but the anticipation is what eats you alive. You knew the Howard girl would never write anything and perform it for the entire school without thinking about your behalf. And unlike your beloved friends, you also knew a majority of the plot. You knew well enough to know everyone was about to be very uncomfortable.

Since Maddy's birthday, Kat and Ethan had broken up, as well as Rue and Jules, and you hadn't heard Nate's name ever dare to even slip out from Maddy's lips. You'd only gotten brief information from Fezco, but him and Lexi spent near hours on FaceTime and she even spent time at his place so they could "watch movies"-- whatever that meant. It was almost a simple reminder, small enough for not the eye to see but for you to subconsciously realize the act of growing up was really taking place. It was only natural for people to grow apart, not that you wanted it to be, but it was more realizing it that caused dismay. You'd spent the last four years of high school anxiously pressing on non-existent breaks in hopes it would slow down time. In hopes you could somehow find some clarity before adulthood was sure to begin. You didn't understand how you could know someone for more than half of your life, and once high school ended you may never see-- or know, them again. You hoped this wasn't the case for you and Maddy.

You found your seats rather quickly. Jules was somewhere dispersed into the sea of the gathering audience, and you were sure to have seen Rue's familiar face once as well. Maddy sat beside you, who sat alongside Kat, who was beside BB.

You hadn't really the time to ask Kat about her reasonings with cutting things off with Ethan. You presumed it might've been something similar to the "growing apart" pattern that you couldn't stop thinking of. Maybe Kat was destined for better things, better people. Surely Ethan wasn't the first good guy, and certainly not the last to filter through her life. You were all far too young to be making such commitments, you'd thought.

As Lexi's play raged on, your group was quick to realize their evident roles in the play's storyline. "Marta" was a splitting image of Maddy herself when she had been a freshman-- which only when you had pointed it out, had Maddy been reluctant to agree. It wasn't until a new scene began, velvet curtains pulled back, had you detached your gaze from the girls beside you. A young girl, slightly resembling yourself, presented herself in what was apparent to be Cassie and Lexi's bedroom. It was a fond memory, one you had practically forgotten, but you were glad Lexi remembered it as clearly as you did.

It was the summer before freshman year. You and Lexi had been sitting in her bedroom, which was evidently attached to Cassie's. Cassie was naturally on the other side. Her and Maddy were likely raving about boys who probably had yet to have a growth spurt. This was around the time when Maddy first moved here. The brunette spent more time at the Howard house, as did you, than she did her own. It wasn't until months later that you understood why.

You had sat cross legged on Lexi's bed, back facing her as her thin fingers weaved in and out of your hair. She pulled tightly on the three even sections she had distanced from the other side, quickly intertwining each section into the neat braid. You could clearly see the two girls on the other side of the room, watching them like a sitcom, as they laughed and smiled cheerfully. You thought it was then that your infatuation for Maddy began, despite the two of you barely making acquaintance.

"We don't really ever talk about boys like that," Lexi had said. Back the, you wished you could've seen her facial expression, but Lexi reenacted it on stage and gave you the full visual you never knew you needed.

You shrugged. "I don't know, I guess it's never really interested me."

Lexi pulls tightly on your hair, a sharp but subtle pain pinching your scalp. "Sorry," she mumbled. "Like- boys have never really interested you?"

You could feel Maddy's eyes on you, after all she had never experienced the conversation from the other side of the room. You stayed focused however. If you remembered correctly, she would get her clarity soon enough as long as she kept watching.

You sighed, almost shrugging the young Howard girl off had her grip not been so tight. "I guess not. They seem sort of complicated."

The audience laughed. A small smile crept along your face as well.

"Everyone's complicated."

You looked to Maddy, starstruck at how comfortable she had been with herself. "I suppose you're right."

Lexi wrapped an elastic around the second braid, laying it gently on your shoulder as if it would break or simply unravel if she hadn't. "I feel like you're avoiding this conversation."

"I just don't think I have the answer you're looking for," you resorted to. By now you were facing her once again, but could hear the mixture of Cassie and Maddy's laughter ring from behind you. It faded out as you let your attention center on the youngest Howard. She might be ashamed of you.

"I'll never know if you never tell me." Her eyes are a gentle brown. Warm. Calming. You might just lie to her to keep them that way.

But you can't. "I'm afraid you'll look at me differently, is all."

She appeared skeptical. It was as if a lightbulb went off in her mind after a pregnant pause. "Do you not like guys?" Lexi gasped, loud enough for Maddy and Cassie to hear. The two of them simmer down, the utter interruption too much to ignore.

By now, it felt as if you were the only one in the auditorium. You could not be disrupted by the laughter that had swept across the crowd of people. The opinions, and thoughts they had formulated of you were insignificant. The play was raw. You allowed Lexi to tell your story so you didn't have to.

"Lexi!" You scolded her, and couldn't stop from turning around to face the two behind you. What would Maddy think if she knew you weren't just like her? That your attraction to men was purely platonic, and occasionally fictitious. That you hadn't the desire to date guys like she had. That you had gone to sleepover after sleepover as they all changed in front of you. What could she think of you? God, please don't let her opinion change before she even knows me, you'd thought.

"I meant, like, at our school!" She senses your nervousness. Perhaps what she was asking you to admit was presumptuous. Perhaps you'd said too much. She covers it up anyway, or at least she tries to. Cassie and Maddy return to their theatrics, and you bring your hand up to your cheek to feel the burn of embarrassment. You bowed your head pitifully.

'I'm sorry," she admitted, lowly. "I had no idea."

You chuckled lightheartedly. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry I never told you sooner."

Lexi touches your arm in attempt to soothe all of the anxiety she had unknowingly created. You find the tension slowly releasing in your muscles. "I'm just glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me."

"So it doesn't change anything?" Why was this so easy?

"Not at all. I support you one-thousand percent." And she meant it. Despite that pestering, intrusive 'what if' you had dealt with occasionally, Lexi was your friend above all. The one who supported you through, and through. Had she not supported you, and convinced you the rest of them would too, where would you be? It was likely you'd still be pretending to be someone you weren't.

Tucking those thoughts into your back pocket, Kat and Maddy had arrived shortly after Suze had set out a third of her alcohol collection onto the kitchen counter. She freely handed out drinks, advising against telling any parents, and sluggishly raised her glass to audibly connect with each of yours.

You weren't exactly sure when Cassie had gotten her manicured hands on so many drinks, but before you knew it, she was off mumbling something about Nate when lingering around each hallway like a forgotten ghost in an old cemetery. Her makeup had already been smeared down the sides of her face, cheeks bright and rosy from the elevated consumption of alcohol, and it appeared as if her attire had completely restricted her from moving freely. You'd never seen Cassie so uncomfortable in her own skin.

There had been a moment where you pulled her aside by the thin strap of her dress, and into an empty room. Her footsteps found no rhythm, stumbling and tripping up underneath her as her eyes widened with obvious confusion, as if the person who dragged her in there wasn't a close friend. You attempted to advise her that maybe she had had too much to drink, and that she wouldn't want to throw all of it up later on. But she was persistent, and slightly rude, though you were easily able to discard it on behalf of her drunken state. She pushed past you and settled herself onto the wooden stairs, where she remained for quite some time.

Despite this, things within the Howard home hadn't been all that bad. Maddy had been dressed in the birthday gift you had given her just a few days before-- a small black number with baby blue lace trim adorning the hemming just above her breasts, and along the very bottom of the fabric that stopped just a few inches past her hips. It was beautiful on her. Flattering enough to wear to simple events, but also alluring enough to make her stand out. While you hadn't exactly bought her the dress intentionally for her to wear it this very night, you were glad she did. All of the girls had made comments of how pretty Maddy looked, giving sly glances towards you with bright smiles as if they had known all along.

"Wow Maddy, that dress is really cute on you." Kat spoke in awe as her eyes danced around Maddy's petite figure like a butterfly circling a blooming tulip. You have her hand clasped in yours, lifting it up and gesturing for Maddy to give everyone a slow, and dramatic twirl (which naturally, she has no problem doing).

She smiles, thanking Kat and averts her eyes over to you. "I guess my personal designer just has an eye for what I look best in." You don't look at anyone else to see their reaction. Your eyes had solely been on the small dimples formed on either side of Maddy's smiling face. You'd never felt such adoration for anyone else.

So, things weren't totally bad. At least not yet.

Everyone was getting along, an everlasting playlist had been flowing through the entirety of the house, no boyfriends had attempted to start issues via text message, and though it was really odd when you thought it over later on, Suze proudly kept the drinks and her dance moves going. Most importantly, Maddy was happy, and you had been too. Everything had felt like it was exactly where it should have been. Jules and Rue were absent despite receiving an invite, but their lack of presence wasn't observed as anything negative. You weren't exactly sure why your expectations had been so much higher than they were. It had been exactly like the bowling alley situation, where all of you were living in the moment, not concerned about external factors, until something, or someone entirely ruins the mood. That, being the announcement that Nate Jacobs was on his way to the party.

Had it been visible that your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach, you didn't know. You also didn't know that Kat had followed you up the stairs and into the bathroom once she had seen it all happen-- the look on your face turn into absolute disgust, the not-so-subtle eye-roll that took place right before you took off, and the painful glance you gave an oblivious Maddy while she typed away a response on her phone. At least someone had noticed.

It wasn't long before there was a gentle knock caressing the bathroom door, and considering there's more than one bathroom in the house, someone was looking for you.

"Yeah, what's up?" You jumped off of the bathroom countertop, standing awkwardly next to it waiting for whoever to come in.

Kat's head poked out from the other side of the now open door, a shy smile taking over her lips as she asked, "can I come in?"

You nodded, placing yourself back up onto the sink and toying with the hem of your skirt. Over the past few months, you had gotten a lot closer to Kat than you expected. You liked her a lot, and even when her and Maddy got into it, it never affected the way you felt about Kat. She had her own issues, but she was honest, and kind, and an individual just like everyone else. You found peace in her silence.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay." She wasn't shy upon asking, and inched further towards you while unclasping her hands. She leaned her back against the other side of the sink, the two of you nearly side by side. However this conversation turns, at least Kat was the one and not anyone else.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

Kat gives you a look of pure disbelief, but it drops soon as she realizes it was just an automatic response. You weren't trying to shelter yourself, but perhaps this was much bigger than Kat was anticipating it to be. "I saw your face when Maddy told us that Nate was coming..." his name alone brought a displeased expression to your face, "and then you walked off, so-"

"Did anyone else notice?"

Kat shook her head, her short hair brushing her shoulders with each movement. "I think just me."

A great exhale finds its way from your lungs and into the bathroom air. Your chest expands, only to fall once more in a sort of rhythmic pattern. Kat watches as if you're practicing some sort of breathing exercise, and she's patient as you formulate some sort of response. "I don't wanna ruin Maddy's party."

"What do you mean?"

Your hands fumble with one another, and you begin to examine your cuticles. "I just- I feel like if I give you the answer you really want, that it could go one of two ways."

The girl looks up at you now, eyes softened with friendly concern. You indulged. It was refreshing to not feel pitied. "Sometimes it helps to get things off of our chest."

Laughing, you glanced down at her. "You should consider your own advice." Kat's eyebrows furrowed, and her head finds itself in a subtle tilt as you all but jump to elaborate. Sighing once more, you mutter a two syllable word, big enough to make her eyes pop out wide like you just admitted to committing a felony. Ethan.

"What about him?" You shrug at this, going back to picking at the skin around your grown out gel-manicure. "Wait. What- No! We can talk about Ethan and I after. I came in here to ask about you."

You don't remove your eyes from your nails, because what you're about to admit is far more dangerous aloud than whispered inside of your head. There's an increase to the speed of your heartbeat, and you can feel the tip of your ears grow very hot. "I'm upset that Nate is coming because I've been in love with Maddy for longer than I care to admit." All in one breath, impressive.

You imagine her reaction-- eyes wide and mouth open in shock from the corner of your eye, and you attempt to brace yourself for it. There is absolutely no way you can look her in the eyes after this.

"I know."

Somehow it's your turn to examine the brunette as if she's suddenly grown four new heads and a pair of antlers. You knew it wasn't exactly a secret, but who else knew? You'd never told anyone that you could remember, unless you had muttered it when not entirely sober. Had it really been that obvious?

"You knew?"

Kat nods, and you slowly saw tears begin to brim her waterline.

"Why are you getting emotional?"

A ripple of laughter echoes against the enclosed walls, and Kat sniffles quickly. "Because you literally just came out to me."

"Everyone knows I'm gay..."

She seemingly can't contain her laughter once again, and stumbles to form a response. "No, I-I know that, but you've never exactly come out to me, especially not with how you felt about Maddy."

"No one knows," you admitted, and it slowly became a little easier to do so. "I've never bothered to tell anyone."

"Do you think Maddy knows?" She asked.

You shook your head. "No, probably not. Considering she's all over Nate now."

It's Kat's turn to roll her eyes in response, and there's a great feeling of relief that washes over you. One, because she had been so accepting, and two, because she hated Nate just as much as you did.

"I don't just hate Nate because I like Maddy, I hate Nate because he's horrible to her." You can see her watch you intently from the corner of your eye, you choose to continue, "I don't think I'll ever forget that bruise on her neck. I think about it every now and then, whenever I find myself glancing around that area- or just whenever she needs help with a necklace or something."

"He's horrible to her," she agreed.

"I think the worst part is the fact that I'm absolutely hopeless. I'm not a man, I'm certainly nothing like Nate Jacobs, and I can't do anything to help her." You aren't sure when it happened but your eyes were quick to fill with tears, anxious to stream down the entirety of your face. Kat is quicker, and also almost as broken as you are. She wraps you into an embrace before you can even think, and you buried your face into the crevice of her shoulder. She offers advice, and you listen like it's Sunday worship, like Kat is the preacher and you are a desperate soul that yearns for the key of the pearly gates of heaven. But it isn't the key to heaven you yearn for, but the grace of God to grant you strength in such a situation like this. You're not asking for forgiveness, but begging for an outlet, a way to save Maddy before it's too late to save yourself.

-

You and Kat return back to the party by the time everyone's taking pictures on the staircase. You're pushed onto one of the individual stairs, legs positioned in a way to appear as feminine and polite as possible, while also trying to cover any open slots for the camera to capture a great image of your undergarments underneath your skirt. That would make an interesting addition to a photo album.

Maddy ends up dragging everyone all over the house looking for a place to take pictures, and you all end up in the backyard where small lights had been strung near the hot tub and onto the deck. She makes sure to take individual pics with all of her girl friends and saved you for last, naturally. Most of the time Maddy needed pictures for instagram, you ended up being in most of them. Half of the girl's entire feed was full of captured photos of the two of you sharing some sort of moment in random places-- some even being the school bathroom. To know Maddy, was to understand how much she loved capturing the moment.

As you stood for yet another photo, with Lexi's steady hands and BB encouraging compliments from right beside her, your arm had been snuggly wrapped around Maddy's small waist. This was typical in general, more specifically for any photo, but after your discussion with Kat it had felt different. Wrong even. You were looking at Maddy with starstruck eyes and a proud smile presenting all of your bright teeth, and reflecting on how much you wished it meant something. You presumed Maddy was giving you the same glance, but her bright mind was imagining what it'll be like when Nate arrives and stands however many inches over her, a strong arm wrapped around her waist just like yours had been.

It was an endless cycle, really. You didn't want to be Nate Jacobs for the aesthetics, but for Maddy to want you the way you wanted her. And it had felt so selfish.

You knew by the end of the night, Maddy would send you the approximate four-hundred photos she had taken and you'd stare at how obvious your admiration had been all along. The photos would easily be mistaken for a couple photoshoot and you'd think about it until your brain was exhausted enough from lack of sleep. You'd think back to how Kat already knew, and how many other people practically assumed. You'd wonder if Maddy was asked if you were a couple from time to time, and if she shut it down immediately as if that could never be true. If the thought entirely had felt humorous, out of reach, and if she didn't even bother reflecting on why someone might've asked to begin with.

Because truly, yours and Maddy's friendship was not painted a specific way to make anyone believe it could have been completely platonic. Your feelings were not created a vacuum, and you could not mistake these feelings for sin or selfishness, or that simply the desire you had for her should be shamed upon. Kat had told you it was only natural. It was about time you even attempted realizing that yourself.

You hugged Maddy for a long while after that, feeling it was unlikely you'd get her to yourself once Nate arrives. You certainly weren't fond of sharing, but someone in that room knew how you felt, and that was all that mattered.

-

Cassie opened the door for Nate.

He came in with a small, signature teal Tiffany bag that looked smaller than his phone in comparison to how large his hands were. You shivered again just thinking about it.

What really pissed you off about Nate was how polite he was upfront. He shook Suze's hand, despite the fact she isn't even Maddy's mom, thanked her for having him, and even gave out his pleasantries to everyone in the home. Fucking douchebag. To add to this, he didn't touch a single bottle of alcohol, and regardless of his size, took up barely any space.

But that was nothing compared to what he did next.

You had sat in the middle of Kat and Lexi at the dinner table. Your leg bounced up and down, anxiously, and Lexi had placed a soft hand onto your knee to slow you down. It was impossible when Nate was placing a silver Tiffany necklace around Maddy's neck, the same one he laid his hands on. His massive hands appeared so delicate, as if that gentleness alone was a non-verbal apology. Maddy smiled awkwardly at all of you, feeling small from the endless shower of gifts. Now Maddy was clad in a dress you had bought her, and accessorized with a necklace Nate had just gifted her.

You were not going to make it through this night sober.

And neither was Cassie.

-

If any of you thought Cassie was drunk before, man, were you wrong.

Cassie was absolutely plastered.

No matter how many times any of you advised she tone it down, she snapped and said she was just trying to have a good time. Lexi was the last person to try, knowing she would receive the same if not worse from her older sister, and ended up being right. As soon as Lexi even attempted to speak with her, Cassie had said, Shut the fuck up Lexi! God! Seriously, I'm just trying to have fun and you're up my ass about everything, a little louder than you presumed she tried to.

You exchanged a glance with Lexi, only for her to shrug as if to say I told you so. You couldn't imagine how difficult it must've been to be Cassie's sister. Lexi's entire life had been a reflection of her being her sister's shadow, even though they had been two entirely different people. For Maddy's sake, you were perfectly friendly with Cassie. You knew a lot of things revolving around her personal life just by being affiliated with Maddy-- that you would never speak about to anyone else, even if Cassie wasn't your bestest of friends. Despite this, your calm nature definitely preferred Lexi's mind and soul over Cassie's, and you had wished to be closer to her than you were. Along with the fact you had yet to squeeze any Fezco information out of her since New Years. If you remembered, you'd ask her about it later.

Currently, you sat on the back deck on a chair you'd pulled from the table in the corner. You had no desire of getting your clothes wet, and no matter how much Maddy begged, you weren't borrowing one of Cassie's bikinis.

Nate had acknowledged you since his arrival, just barely as he knew of your feelings towards him, but how could he win back Maddy if he was rude to his girl's best friend? He attempted small talk, you shut it down, and regardless of the visible clench in his fists and furrow to his brow, he hadn't lost his cool. Not yet.

"Does Suze mind if I smoke?" You had asked after a preceded silence. It was evident Mrs. Howard had questionable parenting skills, but you didn't want to assume and be disrespectful to the woman who's allowing you into her home.

"She said no as long as you keep it out of the house," Maddy replied. You weren't asking her specifically, and due to Nate's presence you had resented her just a small bit at the moment. It was crazy how polar you two could be under certain circumstances. You nodded, and pulled out a joint from behind your ear.

You inhaled for a moment, feeling the smoke fill up your lungs before exhaling it away from the group. You contemplated taking a walk somewhere away from the property just to smoke, but you remembered that the smell of weed irked Nate for some reason, something Maddy had told you a long time ago.

And low and behold, the man himself cleared his throat. "Didn't know you smoked, Y/N."

You hummed, the joint hanging from your lips as you inhaled another hit. You made him wait until you had fully exhaled to give him the satisfaction of a reply. "Well, you and I don't spend much time together do we?"

BB choked on her laughter, and Maddy was sending you a glare that was telling you to check yourself. You didn't want to. Not with Nate. You couldn't, not anymore.

"You'll be seeing more of me though." He turned himself around to face you, so no one could see the devious smirk that subtly stretched across his thin lips. What the hell was he talking about?

You didn't give him the satisfaction once again, not even bothering to hide the fact you found it humorous. Internally, you were imagining how mad Maddy would be if you pulled the same shit Fez had, and hit him across the head with one of the empty bottles Cassie had left lying around. "Is that so?" Nate nodded, slow and truthful. What does Maddy see in this guy? Shaking your head, you took a long drag from the wrapped substance, exhaling on a mumbled I fucking hope not, before Cassie's disruption was made known.

You hoped he hadn't heard you. Or maybe you did, you were already hazy from the drugs.

Cassie walked up onto the deck, stumbled more like, wrapped in birthday balloons that she tossed off to the side before tossing herself into the hot tub. She landed right on top of Nate, and you watched Kat furrow her eyebrows at you.

"Happy birthday," she smiles, and situates herself uncomfortably onto the seated bench. Maddy is gracious but it's obvious she's embarrassed on behalf of Cassie's drunken behavior.

It had been all fun and games until BB allowed the next sentence to flow out of her mouth, "I'm so glad you guys are back together."

You practically choked on your own spit, and Kat was quick to send a look of condolence towards you.

Maddy continued to fumble with her detailed manicure, replying with ease. "We're not back together."

Was she telling that to all of you? Or herself?

Had Nate not replied a no when Cassie expressed her thoughts, perhaps nothing after this would have been as severe as it had. But naturally there is never a dull day while being in love with Madeleine Perez. Not ever.

"I mean I was going to say no, but why are you saying no?"

Shouldn't have dug himself so far deep.

Nate looked around, eying the blue hot tub lining as if the correct response was written there. "Oh, uh- because we're not."

"I know, but why'd you sound so definitive about it?" You had seen Maddy in many different stages of rage. The attitude that she currently had, would only progress further the more Nate argued. And since in Maddy's head, she was always right, and Nate was too proud to let her believe that, he refused to step down. You'd known Maddy long enough to know to fix your tone before she fixed it for you.

"I don't understand what we're arguing about," he expressed. The rest of you sit in an uncomfortable silence as if you were watching your best friend get ridiculed by their parents at a sleepover.

Maddy raises her eyebrows as she lets him know he's missing the entire point. Perhaps if his head wasn't so far up his ass he would be able to let it go. But he couldn't. And maybe this is exactly what they needed. Another fight to prove they were incompatible. "You and your tone," she says, nodding slowly so he understands.

"But we're not back together." You'd never seen Nate so submissive, so small for a man so big. About to light yet another joint, his next addition freezes you in place. "Yet."

Maddy and Nate go back and forth for the next few minutes, Maddy even asking for Kat's opinion only for him to imply she's incapable of thinking for herself. It becomes a mess a lot faster than anyone anticipated. Nate's true self will always come out.

Her frustration only increases. "You see, I'm not crazy, right, because he's always trying to gaslight me."

If she recognizes this, then why is she always trying to work it out with him? You feel something akin to an outsider watching a scene unfold before you, because truthfully you have no jurisdiction for any of it. No matter how much any of you do, it'll never change the light she sees him in. But you see it, and you refuse to let it slip by.

By the time Maddy's onto a full rant about his hypocrisy, the contents inside of Cassie's stomach end up in the warm water engulfing all of their bodies. Screams of disgust fill the dark void that's been painted over the endless and pitch black sky, and Suze comes running out with Lexi hot on her heels. It's embarrassing, really, and you feel guilt as you shake your head and settle further into the home. Lexi seems to be somewhat unmoved by the entire thing, knowing her sister better than any of you. She does the same. You watch the bottom of Lexi's dress subtly swish around as she treads further into the house and presumably into her bedroom. She's tired. Tired of living in Cassie's shadow, and tired of cleaning up all of her messes. She's done.

You can't stay, not after this. It's all too much for one night, too much for you to process. You'll figure out some excuse to not spend the night, and Maddy will likely end up at Nate's regardless. She'll hate you until the morning, but you've had enough.

Nate leaves, finally, and he looks just as embarrassed as the rest of you do. Maddy seemed somewhat unfazed, likely due to the fact this isn't the first time Cassie had gotten overly drunk and did something she would regret. But it's surprising when Maddy changes into her prior outfit, your keys in hand, and looks at you as if to say come on, we're leaving now. What are you supposed to say to this?

Kat announces that Ethan's on his way and you allow your eyes to plead that she just got into the backseat of your car and let you drive her home. She looks at you sympathetically, an empty apology because she knows you can handle it on your own, and you're left alone with Maddy as she climbs into the passenger seat of your car. She buckles her seatbelt, and pulls down the sun visor in the midst of night to check if her lipgloss and eyeliner were still in check within the small mirror. You don't understand how she can be so unbothered.

"You're, like, oddly quiet tonight," she finally says, smacking her lips before looking over to you. You keep your eyes straight ahead.

"Just a lot to process." There was only a matter of time before you got close to the Perez residence and would be forced to tell her you couldn't spend the night. There's no way of telling how she'll react.

The brunette groans. "You know Cassie. She isn't always like that, just when she gets drunk." She's so beautiful sitting in the passenger seat, with her big brown eyes that are slowly growing heavier by the minute. You force your eyes ahead once again.

"I'm not talking about Cassie's drunken antics, Maddy," you say, feeling the heat of her gaze on the side of your face. "Well, maybe that too, but that's not what I'm talking about."

Maddy furrows her brow. "Then what are you talking about?" It could've been the fact you called her by her first name, or maybe your tone. You'd think after tonight you'd know better than to not check the speed in which you were saying things, but you're at the point where you're somewhat apathetic.

Shaking your head, you run a hand down the slide of your face, anticipating the crash and burn's inevitability. "It was just confirmed from Nate Jacobs, not you, that you and him are 'working things out'," you remove a hand from the wheel to finger-quote her prior statement.

"I was going to tell you-"

"Yeah? When? When you call me crying, telling me he's fucked up again?" The look she's giving you will likely linger around the background of your mind for a few days, until you can replace it with something more pleasant. Your heart sinks a little further into your stomach. This must be said. "I try so hard to be supportive, I do, but it's so hard to watch you throw yourself away for someone like him." She's listening, and you make her, because you've spent so much time doing the same. "You deserve so much better than what you allow yourself to experience, Maddy. Someone better than that."

The car is silent for a few minutes. Normally her phone would be plugged into the AUX cord, but it's sitting idly in her lap. You can practically hear the gears turning in her head. You wondered if she could hear the swell of anxiety growing in yours.

"I'm dropping you off, but I can't stay tonight." You broke through the silence as best as you could.

"What? It's my birthday-"

It's pathetic, truly, and the pettiest thing you've ever done. But, you tap on the numbers glowing a neon green on your console, the time reading half past one in the morning. "Not anymore, it's past midnight."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Maddy's yelling at you the same way she had with Nate earlier, and her body had fully turned to face you. She was no longer sitting comfortably in the seat, but sitting up straight as if it would help her hear you better. "Why are you being such a cunt?"

"I'm not trying to be," you say, "I just can't keep playing games anymore. Not with myself, not with you."

She audibly expresses her irritation, groaning and clasping her hands together as she formulates her response. "You're not making any sense! Since when does who I date have anything to do with you?"

"Since you make it my business." Maddy opens her mouth to respond but you're quicker than she is. "I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you."

There's a faint sniffle coming from her direction, but you cannot bring yourself to see if she's crying. You won't allow yourself to be the one who makes her cry. You're not Nate, you're better than that. "I wish people would stop fucking saying that to me." The small crack in her voice is all you needed, and slowly, your heart aches harder in your chest. It serves as a reminder, for what you can't be sure.

"It's true, Maddy. You deserve so much better than what Nate has to offer. That's not real love-"

Big mistake. "What would you know about real love? You've never dated anyone or had anything besides hookups."

You scoffed. It had been harder to pay attention to the road amidst an argument, but Maddy's house was getting closer by the second. If only you could step on the gas a little harder. "You threw an entire fit over Nate's tone- which I'm not saying wasn't justified, but do you really expect it to work?"

"That's real low of you." She's crying and you can see the tears swelling on her waterline. A fear tears escape and trail down her cheeks, each in a race to reach her chin. You want so desperately to swipe them away with your thumb, but you can't.

"Is it? It never works out, it never does. You just keep telling yourself one day he'll change."

"Just take me home, please-"

You took a turn onto Maddy's road. "At the end of the day, is he really who you see yourself with? Do you fantasize about living out a fantasy with him? Three kids, a dog, a white picket fence-"

Tears are streaming down her face. You're being cruel, but you can't find it in yourself to stop. "Please, I can't-"

"What about when he puts his hands on you again? What will you do?" Maddy isn't facing you, she's turned towards the door almost as if she cannot wait to get the hell out of your car. You don't blame her. You've never spoken to her like this before, and it's likely why she's crying so hard. You love Maddy more than anything. "You've spent so much time waiting for someone to love you when you've had it this entire time. I care so much about you, more than you'll ever understand." She whips her head around like you had told her an incredible secret. "I'm entirely selfish for feeling the way I do, and I don't expect you to feel the same way. But please-" You grab her hand in yours, it's limp weight resting on your skin like it depends on it. "Please find someone who loves you like I do, even if it's a man, I don't care."

Maddy gets out of your car and somewhat slams the door behind her. You don't realize you're crying until your vision is blurred by the tears filling up the space, and as they slowly tease your bottom lashes in hopes of falling down onto your skin. You cry the entire way back to your house, texting Kat to let her know what you had done. There's no guilt, just a small sense of clarity to get such confessions off of your chest. Maddy might not be your best friend anymore after this, but at least you can say you did all you could.

By four in the morning, your phone chimes and the brightness brings a wave of consciousness over you. The green messaging icon is aided by Maddy's contact name and a series of photos following underneath. All of the photos Lexi had taken earlier, capturing yours and Maddy's bright, smiling faces in the Howard's backyard, bring a sort of comfort to your seemingly permanent anxious state.

Initially, somewhere deep in your selfishness lay a striking pain, perhaps now you'd admit it was jealousy. When Enedina broke the news with crinkled brown eyes and a bright smile, you felt guilty for being jealous. Exactly what were you envious of? After attempting to give your best congratulations, you hid behind a champagne glass and slipped away to the nearest bathroom as soon as you could. You felt exposed under the natural sunlight and studied yourself closely in the mirror to be sure your skin didn't actually turn green. Enedina was observant, and you wouldn't allow your nasty habit of being over-expressive to fly above her radar. She had done so much for you, the least you could do was be happy for her.

Naturally, she had you assisting in wedding planning. Any moment you could, you attempted to claim to have paperwork to file, but Enedina didn't take no for an answer and would threaten to have Barrón throw you over his shoulder if he had to. You knew exactly what your issue was, but confessing to it was entirely different. To sacrifice the relationship you had built with not only Enedina, but her siblings and even the participating guards and Junior Narcos, was foolish, especially right before one of the most important days of her life. So, you did the best you could. You gave real, honest advice. You set up meetings with florists and made appointments to explore venues, and pick a church for the engaged couple. Occasionally, Claudio would tag along, and you would sit idly on the opposite side of the restaurant booth during lunches as Enedina laughed like he was the funniest thing on earth.

Once again, you hid your bitterness behind whatever you were drinking and silently wished the contents were a little bit stronger.

-

On Enedina's wedding day, a pesky headache was lingering from the moment you woke up. You carefully caressed your temples in an attempt to soothe them and quickly cursed God for the ridiculous irony. Today could be the worst day of your life, but it needed to be the best day of Enedina's. As la dama de honor, the bride chose something slightly different for you than what the other bridesmaids were clad in. Your dress was hardly as flashy and vibrant as 80s fashion tended to be, and opted for a more subtle pink shade in comparison to her sisters. Your hair was swept up neatly, and you felt the cool breeze stroke your neck as you strutted towards the room Enedina resided in. You graciously let yourself in with a set of soft knocks against the wooden door.

The room was largely sized, but seemingly empty save for the beautiful bride that sat quietly at the vanity. Her dress spoke volumes-- extravagant and perfectly, purely white, soaking up any sound bouncing off the interior walls. Perhaps the rustle of your dress, or the careful footsteps of your small heels approaching, calmly brought her attention to you, and a wide smile overtook her features.

"Te ves hermosa," you spoke carefully as if the words weren't meant to be spoken at all. The simple statement sucked the air right from your lungs, and the glitter upon her eyelids nearly left you blind. [You look beautiful.]

She smiles, almost shyly, and you gesture for her to give you a spin. The wedding dress has a mind of its own, and rocks along her body as she slowly turns. You swallow harshly. "Estás nerviosa? La salida está clara en caso de que quieras huir." A grin creeps along your face. It's easy to hide the truth behind a joke. [Are you nervous? The exit is clear in case you want to flee.]

Enedina laughs wholeheartedly and raises a brow. You've never seen her so happy. It's a shame you're hiding such a dirty secret from your best friend. "Es casi como si quisieras que corriera." [It's almost as if you want me to run.]

With that, you take a moment to answer-- at first not sure if you will. You pull a cigarette from your handbag, flick the lighter, and glance over to the clock hanging on the wallpaper. Enedina looks curiously at your frame and notices your posture. You appear in thought. Before she can speak, you slowly approach her and give her a cigarette of her own. As the butt grows vibrant in a cherry ember, the soon-to-be bride inhales a shaky breath of tobacco. "Sólo deseo que seas feliz," you state slowly, inhaling a drag for a moment before continuing, "Como sea que se vea". [I only wish for you to be happy. Whatever that looks like.]

You leave shortly after the rush of bridesmaids come in to let Enedina know it's time. She had opened her mouth to respond to you, but her sisters and friends didn't allow her to. She was swallowed up whole by her wedding party in an awry of compliments and awe. The sound of gasps and squeals was the last thing you heard as you quietly closed the door behind you, and stepped into the grand hallway with audible clacks.

When the ceremony started, you walked before the bridesmaids with a hand-selected bouquet within your manicured grasp, and your opposite arm clutching del padrino. With the cue of classical music, all eyes in the venue turned to watch as each of you slowly progressed down the aisle in practically methodical steps. With each set of eyes upon you, the pit of your stomach grew. Your eyes searched for familiar faces, catching Ramón's as he offered an encouraging smile. Perhaps Enedina hadn't seen his outfit quite yet, you'd thought. You gave him a smirk, gesturing towards the fur coat as he sneakily flipped you off. By the time you had reached the end of the aisle, Claudio had remained just a few feet before you, hands clasped in front of himself. You shared a look of understanding, a polite smile even, and departed from the man you had walked with as you went to your respective placements.

This isn't to be portrayed as a rivalry between you and Claudio, though. It was simply tolerance. You were sure Claudio didn't mind you at all, perhaps he was even fond of you. You didn't mind him either, it was just the fact you had wished today was your wedding day. And not in the circumstance where Enedina wouldn't be getting married, but where she would be marrying you instead. Incredibly selfish, and even unrealistic, you knew.

You regained social awareness when the tempo changed and the top of Enedina's hairdo was seen amongst the crowd. A proud smile was offered to her guests, all hundreds of them. Enedina caught your eye as you winked at her, tears carefully brimming your waterline. You admired Enedina, as she admired Claudio.

Once the ceremony was over, you were all hauled into a limousine and rushed over to the reception where bottomless margaritas were offered, and you couldn't resist. Enedina cheerfully danced with her bridesmaids and her new husband, and even managed to get you out there halfway through "Como la Flor". For the most part, the night did remain celebratory-- despite Ramón nearly dragging Rayo by his hair and out to the parking lot where he likely met his fate. In the crowd, were numerous politicians, lawyers, colleagues of Claudio's, and even men you assumed the Arellano's must've screwed over judging by the sour looks embedded on their faces. Even if this was Enedina's wedding, it was still something akin to a political campaign. Any given moment was used to protect and further glamorize their image. You'd watch the Junior Narcos follow the fur-clad Arellano with little resilience. You'd see Kitty fumble with his newly bloodied knuckles and stalk off to the nearest bathroom where he'd rinse the evidence right off. But then there was Enedina as she did her 'rounds, traveling to each table to offer agradecimiento. The guests would ask her to show off her gown and she would, just like she had hours ago for you in her secluded dressing room. You hadn't given much thought to getting married, but maybe it was time you did so. Enedina had since tied the knot, and perhaps it was a sign you needed to move on. For real this time.

You were sure they would set you up with a man-- likely involved in the business, who they were fond of, and who made them a lot of money. You pictured yourself playing house for a man you never loved, but pretended to for your own sake, and maybe even the Arellano's. The thought alone made you sick to your stomach, but you couldn't overstay your welcome forever.

-

The night after the wedding, the ongoing feud with the Sinoloan cartel reached a peak. Just hours before, Enedina encouraged her husband to attend Christine with the rest of the guys. He tagged along, much to his dismay, and seemingly wouldn't make it home that night.

This was unbeknownst to all of you. Initially, Enedina had gotten a phone call from a frantic Benjamín about a shooting at the nightclub. He didn't disclose much information over the phone and had purposely not mentioned the death of her new husband that remained in the hands of El Chapo. It wasn't until you were hauled into the cars with packed suitcases and adrenaline rushing through your veins did you notice someone was missing. More than just someone, Claudio wasn't present. You sat beside Ramón in the very back seat, as your tired head lay on his shoulder, and Dina wept. None of you could console her with words, so you made comfort in the silence.

She slept beside you that night, curled into a ball, and pressed against your chest. She had shut her brothers out, refusing to hear the condolences and promises she knew you wouldn't offer her. You just remained silent. She cried for hours, sobbed until there were no tears left, and peacefully drifted off to sleep like a child exhausted from a tantrum. An intense form of rage bubbled in your chest and nagged at the strings of your heart as it ached. Ramón could promise whatever he'd like, but until Chapo's head was resting on a stake, you couldn't rest. You knew you couldn't. But it wasn't up to you, and as of now, your new responsibility was to heal Dina-- just like she had done for you. Her frame was still, save for the rise and fall of her chest, and her eyes swollen from crying. You were to pick up the pieces the way you knew how to attempt to fix what's been broken. That, you could manage.

-

After Claudio's death, Enedina is expectedly not her usual self. She allows Benjamín and Ramón to deal with the narco business and gives herself some time to disappear. She gets noticeably thinner, skips family meals, and stares at you blankly when you ask her when she last ate was. Her eyes lose a lot of life. It's a drastic comparison to her wedding day when her eyes had shined brighter than you had ever seen them do so before. There's an increase in the darkness underneath her eyes as well as if she isn't sleeping. But she's spending most of her nights restlessly tossing and turning, while she's unconscious during the daytime. She will periodically take walks around the grounds, but get lightheaded from dehydration to the point where she returns quicker than she left. She ignores the plates you leave on her bureau or bedside table, and you consider having Barrón and Kitty strap her down so you can force feed her.

Benjamín looks to you with great concern, and you feel a rising pressure on your shoulders. If you're unable to fix Enedina, who will? As the months grow, and the Arellano sister remains quiet, you fear she'll never be the same again. You imagine what it would be like to lose your spouse the day after your wedding day, the day after you'd been on cloud nine. Though Enedina might never be the same, you can attempt to help her create a new normal.

Everyone has experience with grief, but your lack of understanding creates a barrier between you and Enedina that's unwilling to fall. You decide to somewhat invade her space, and instead of allowing her to spend her days constantly holed up in her master bedroom, you lock yourself in with her. She's reluctant, which is evident, but eventually, she finds a way to move around you.

Just a few feet into Enedina's room is one of the only balconies in the entire mansion. You suspected that was why she had picked the room, to begin with. Her bedroom was sort of secluded from the rest of the house-- technically yours was as well. It was a safety thing, not having many windows, but Enedina didn't care much. She was a nature enthusiast, just like you were, and prioritized being able to see the sunrise and hear the birds chirp even if it meant putting herself at risk.

That same balcony was shaded by the curtains now, refusing any sunlight from pouring into her room.

You started by pulling the curtains back, Enedina hissing in response, and opened up the balcony doors to provide both light and air to the dark room. You had two comfortable chairs put onto the patio where you decided the two of you would share meals from then on. At least this way you could be sure she was eating.

It was a strange feeling. You felt a great sense of responsibility, a desire even, one you hadn't felt before. The urge to not fix, but aid her on her journey came from the absolute depths of your heart and the overwhelming truth of love. You realized you would have never done this for anyone else.

Surely, she starts healing. The progress is slow, but you notice it. You know Enedina like the back of your hand.

She stops holding you at arm's length and starts embracing you completely. She lets you play music on her radio and even allows you to pull her from her seated position and up to dance along to the chorus. She smiles more often, and it pulls directly at your heartstrings. Dina makes herself present at family dinner for the first time, and Benjamín thanks you graciously with his eyes, though he doesn't need to. Your time comes with no cost, no expectation of something in return.

The stages of grief have seemingly treated her well, bringing her to a state of somewhat acceptance. Of course, she has her moments of sadness, but they are no longer prolonged. When she dreams of Claudio, they are no longer nightmares, but a blissful remembrance of a life she was once able to share with him.

One night, when you're reading underneath the golden lamp shade in your respective bedroom, a few soft knocks caress your door. You mark your page quickly, and pull a silk robe over your shoulders before calling out, "¡Pasa!" [Come in!]

A head full of soft, brown locks peeks in carefully before the rest of her body, and Enedina smiles cheekily while holding up two bottles of red wine and two glasses. One for each of you. Your lips stretch at the sight. She's clad in her own silk nightgown that leaves little for imagination. You swallow that thought down harshly before mentally cursing your immaturity, and rush to pat the empty spot next to you on the bed.

She makes herself comfortable, and it reminds you of the sleepovers you used to have in each other's bedrooms many years ago when you had just moved in. A sight for a pair of sore eyes that indulge in nostalgia often, much like your own. The room is quiet, save for the sound of wine being poured into your glasses. Enedina leans back into the bed frame and takes a generous sip.

"Que parece uno de mis camisones." Dina breaks the silence, and gestures toward your silhouette with a manicured fingernail. It probably was, you were never a nightgown girl before meeting Enedina. "Se te ve bien." [That looks like one of my nightgowns. It looks good on you.]

"Tienes buen gusto," you smiled. Despite the fact that Enedina had come to you that night, you still felt partially guilty for not allowing her to have personal space. You knew if she wanted to leave she would have. A part of you just wanted to make sure you hadn't overstepped. "Espero que no estés cansada de mí." [You have good taste. I hope you aren't tired of me.]

Enedina's face scrunches in bemusement. Though you've picked your words carefully, she doesn't seem to be doing the same. She was never one to hold back. "Nunca podría estar cansada de ti," she states truthfully. [I could never be tired of you.]

You thought you hadn't ingested much alcohol, that it wasn't affecting you much. Perhaps Enedina meant what she was saying, but perhaps she was still grieving over her dead husband. She could've been lonely and desperate. It was unfair to think the way you were thinking. But as she leaned further into your space, you didn't rush to push her away. As her eyes flickered between your eyes and then not-so-subtly to your lips, you didn't protest. When her big, brown eyes softly closed and you watched her lashes caress her skin, you placed a hand on her cheek. As the softness of her lips grew closer to yours, a flame erupted in your abdomen. It was selfish. You were a glutton, and could feel greed being added to the list of your sins. As if Enedina was the sole key to heaven, you desperately pursued, defying all humanity and perhaps any morality you had developed over the years. It was so wrong, but it had felt righteous.

That was when you pulled away.

You kept her face tenderly within your grip still, as her eyes screwed open in what resembled impatience. You tilted her chin so she could see the sincerity in your lustful eyes. "Por mucho que te quiera, no está correcto," you spoke gently, enunciating each word like you were mostly trying to convince yourself. Was it not right because she was still grieving? Was it because she wasn't entirely sober? Or was it because she was another woman, and in your soul, you felt as if that couldn't be right? You weren't sure. [As much as I want you, it isn't right.]

Enedina relaxes from your grasp, settling back into her original position against the bed frame. Her posture still tilts towards you, and she remains comfortable, but somewhat defeated. Her features don't express anything akin to anger, perhaps she came to her senses about what would become. Regardless, she puts her wine glass onto your bedside table and fluffs a pillow underneath her head. You mirror her actions.

You're both laying down underneath the comforter, and you turn off your lamp to fully engulf yourselves in darkness. A few minutes pass, and Enedina seems determined to be sleeping in your bed tonight. Within the silence, you make no effort to whisper. The words are still lowly kept as you speak, "¿estás bien?" [Are you alright?]

"Seré," she replies and knows you aren't just talking about the moment previously shared. [I will be.]

-

As you slowly stirred into consciousness, the lack of radiating body heat from the woman there just hours prior had simmered away, leaving you puzzled and slightly disappointed. The bed sheets were cold to the touch, and the mattress no longer sunken in to engulf the curvature of her body while she rested. At one point of the night, Enedina buried herself into the snugness of your collarbone, and if you hadn't been so lucky to wake up just momentarily during the night, perhaps you wouldn't have ever known. You had relished in that moment for around a half hour, listening to the sound of Enedina's lungs coaxing air in and out of her body through her nose. Her chest rose and fell in a rhythmic pattern--not that you could see it, but feel it as it collided with yours. If you slowed your breath down just enough, you could focus on the steady beats of her heart as it thumped, as if each beat was an attempt to reach closer to yours.

Benjamín tells you she isn't at home and hasn't been for hours, that she's at the warehouse. That's exactly where you go. The warehouse wasn't a typical visit for you, but you needed to see Enedina urgently, almost like your life depended on it.

On the ride there you convince yourself the way you felt wasn't a crime, that it was normal for her to appeal to you that way, that Enedina offered you something no one else had; security.

Your feet find a rhythm on the cement floor and you're suddenly speed walking to your destination. You wonder if she can hear the clacks of your footsteps over all of the noise, or perhaps the anxious hitch in your breath as you reach the office door. Regardless, you twist the knob and let yourself in.

The brunette sits quietly at the desk, her head still indulged in the paperwork. There's a subtle furrow between her brows, and she rests a cheek on one manicured hand. You wait just a moment, before slipping into a seat that's been placed in front of her. Enedina's ambitiousness was admirable, but it's unclear whether your presence wasn't totally welcome, or if she had yet to recognize it was you. Judging by the perfume you had sprayed onto yourself, it unfortunately might've been the latter.

"¿Prefieres que yo vaya?" You asked, hesitance glazing the question as it enters the air. [Do you prefer that I go?]

Dina picks her head up rapidly, and a softness caresses the prior crease on her forehead. It was possible she really hadn't noticed who had sat down, or that anyone had at all. She shakes her head. "Me alegro de que estés aquí, pero no lo supongo." [I'm glad you're here, but I didn't expect it.]

"Cuando me desperté esta mañana no estabas conmigo." [When I woke up this morning you weren't with me.]

She scans your expression, and then her eyes drop down to the arms crossed over your chest. As if finding your confrontation humorous, she gestures towards the thick pile of paperwork and offers a coy smile. It actually did feel much better to see Enedina working after months of refusing to even step foot out of the house, let alone back into the business that caused her so much pain to begin with. "Lo siento, pero estoy contigo ahora, no?" [I'm sorry, but I'm with you now, aren't I?]

"Claro, excepto podrías estar en cama conmigo en su lugar," you shrugged. Enedina's eyebrows raised in surprise as you continued, "supongo que prefieres trabajar que pasar el tiempo libremente en casa." [Sure, except you could be in bed with me instead. I guess you prefer to work than pass time freely at home.]

One of the men steadily walked towards you, and you made no initiative to step back. "Well, well, if it isn't V/N. What an honor to meet your acquaintance." His lips quirked at his sarcasm, finding his own statement to be such a hilarious mock as the rest of his foolish group snickered after moments of preceded silence. He must've been their leader, you thought. Such a statement was only humorous to yourself, since it had been quite embarrassing to leave his mouth. He seemed extremely proud of himself.

"Did it take you ten minutes to come up with that?" you smiled.

The smirk on his face fell, and each member of the group eyed one another carefully.

"It's not polite to steal," you add. "Hand those duffel bags over to me. I'll make sure they get back to the city."

He pretended to think for a moment. "I don't think we will. I think you're going to have to take them from me."

Slowly circling an area of the large room, you clicked your tongue at his response. The clack of your heeled shoes echoed among the towering walls. You were clearly stalling, but they didn't seem smart enough to understand that. Unfortunately, you'd never been a fighter. It had been much easier to outsmart them than attempt to rely on yourself physically. Perhaps you shouldn't had been working alone to begin with.

The flash of red and blue illuminated in the corner of your eye. Sirens could be heard, and it would only be minutes before the police had reached the bank's designated floor. Acting quickly, you grabbed a gadget from your boot pocket and whipped it into the center of the room. With little struggle, each assailant audibly fell victim to the thick smoke, their heavy bodies limp on the tile ground. Another easy night in the city that never slept. With one quick movement, and no thought considered, you threw a heavy object at the glass pane and watched it shatter. The pieces of glass seemingly floated around your space as you jumped through the now open window. You supposed you always wanted to know how it felt-- the plummeting feeling as your silhouette inched closer to the cement. It felt like a sort of adrenaline rush, a lingering dream come true. Much different than the anticipated drop of a rollercoaster, you were destined to fall straight onto your back. You had been right, and there were no pestering thoughts crowding the space of your brain. The increasing speed silenced the world around you, and for a brief second you closed your eyes once and for all.

However, there was no impact. There was no last breath of autumn air before your skull made contact with the ground. You had not become comfortable with the emptiness and cold of determined death. There was not a permanent silence when you had finally met your fate, because you'd not met it at all. You had been swept up by the grace of God, and the strong arms of an angel. His wings carried you across each tall building with effortless elegance, until he had carefully placed you down onto the same rooftop you always resided on.

The angel had not been clad in golden-tipped wings but a bright red lycra suit, and gadgets wrapped around his thin wrists. He had not been an angel at all, but the masked vigilante that soared across the city on the daily news. You weren't sure how long you studied him for, but it was enough time to create a photographic memory of his lengthy shape, and the intricately decorated web designs that stretched across the entirety of his costume.

He had finally spoke a soft echo into the night. "Why did you do that?"

You had the urge to rip off your own mask just so he could see you, and every expression you made while speaking. But you were afraid he wouldn't do the same. "Do what?"

"Jump," he said, like it had been obvious. You cursed whoever designed his suit for covering his entire identity. No scrap of personality could be consumed.

Rubbing your forearms, you continuously stepped closer to him. "I don't know. I suppose I just wanted to."

He scoffed. "Wanted to die?"

"Sure."

If it was possible for Spider-Man to scoff once more, you were sure he would.

"Why did you save me?" Upon hearing the statement leave your lips, you internally cringed at your use of the word "save", like you had been yet another ordinary citizen to be his damsel in distress. You didn't wait for a response. "I've seen you on the news."

His head picks up at this. "Oh yeah? You believe the things they say about me?"

"I think you're trying to help." A comfortable silence returned and the feeling of his eyes on you never left. Your own remained on the busy streets below the both of you that acted as if the attempted robbery never took place. Unlike the mystery man beside you, you never actually stayed for the police to clean up your mess. You never wished to speak to the media or be praised on behalf of your contributions to protecting the city. You wondered if he thrived off of being considered a hero, and slept peacefully at night knowing he made a difference. You wondered what color his hair was, if he had any, and if he was strict about the way he styled it. If his eyes were plain brown, or blue, or if they resembled something far more specific.

You supposed you wanted to know so badly, that a gentle hand subconsciously reached up and cupped the side of his masked face. The man hesitated briefly, but nevertheless slowly leaned into the warmth of your palm. He watched your eyebrows scrunch in pure curiosity, manicured fingertips exploring the material of his suit. As your hands teased the hemming of his mask, where the two pieces separate, he quickly grabs your wrist. A gasp leaves your open mouth.

"I'm sorry," his other hand is thrown up in defense. "I just can't show you who I am."

Leisurely, he watches your head dip in subtle disappointment. "No, I understand."

"Its not you- I just. You know? I've gotta keep myself save." Spider-Man rambles on, and is slow to see you detaching the domino mask from its placement on your eyes. He would stop you, and give you a lecture on the importance of guarding your identity but he can't help but be in awe. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but this was far better. There's a pause in his dramatic hand movements as his eyes scan the entirety of your face. From the curvature of your brow, to the outline of your lips, the man is intrigued. It's something akin to placing the last few pieces onto the puzzle, and being fulfilled with satisfaction. However, his silence queues your self-consciousness and you're quick to attempt to put it back on, but he grabs your wrist once again.

"Quick like a bunny," you sullenly joke.

"You have no idea."

Due to close proximity, lowering your head in embarrassment allows your hair to brush onto his chest. You don't usually get embarrassed like this, never mind by a man-- a maskless one, who's identity is unbeknown to you, but you seemingly can't help it. You suddenly feel dumb, having taken your mask off in the first place. The feeling would likely linger for longer, had Spider-Man not reached to take off his own mask.

"Wait- please don't do that in spite of me," you warn.

"Shh, it's alright." A gloved finger lines up with your lips, pressing gently, and though you can't see it, you're sure he's smirking from above you. Bastard.

The mystery man is teasing, the way he takes his sweet time to remove his mask. You presume it must be a way of creating some sort of increasing impatience, as if he knew you'd been waiting for this moment for months. Finally, the red material slips from the base of his neck, and leisurely reveals new territory by the second. By the time it reaches his pink lips, a crooked smile is evident on his face. Your heart nearly swarms at the reveal of such a prominent feature, one you had laid awake pondering about. He peels the mask off past his eyes, and off of his head completely. Thick layers of brown locks bounce, but he's quick to run a gloved hand through them, making sure his "hat hair" is socially acceptable to be viewed. He presents a toothy grin, "Thoughts?"

"Better than I ever imagined."

"You've thought about this?" He gestures vaguely into the air.

"I've played it out more times than I'd like to admit." Not wanting to overstep too many boundaries, you resisted from running your own hands through his hair, and watching the adoration fill his brown eyes. However you were selfish, and you'd be lying to deny the desperation of at least knowing his name. "May I know the name of the man I'm looking at."

~ dovesinthewind on ao3

~ This is my official masterlist. Works are listed from the first being the most recent, to the last being the least recent. I do not take requests unless stated otherwise. Individual works cite the appropriate warnings, so do advise. My works are 18+ regardless of content. Feel free to engage with my inbox with questions or comments. Please do not repost my works but reblogging is always encouraged! Thank you for reading :)

HEADCANON;

Headcanon Masterlist

READERFIC;

Skin*- Hugo Stiglitz/F!reader, wc 3.6k | on ao3

Sweetest Devotion* - Father Jud Duplenticy/F!reader (multi-part) | on ao3

Dream of You - Eddie Munson/F!reader/Emperor Geta, wc 3.3k | on ao3

Heartbeat* - Demetri Volturi/F!reader, wc 3.6k | on ao3

Close to You - Kyle “Gaz” Garrick/F!reader, wc 1.8k, ficlet | on ao3

Phases - Enedina Arellano Félix/F!reader, wc 4.3k | on ao3

How Do I Make You Love Me - Maddy Perez/F!reader, wc 14.5k (multi-part) | on ao3 

In The Dark - TASM! Peter Parker/GN!reader, wc 2.0k, ficlet

Normal Girl - Kiara Carrera/F!reader, wc 4.9k

CHARACTER ANALYSIS/NON-READERFIC;

From Beyond Oz, With Love - Elphaba & Glinda, wc ~ 1.5k