I'm happy. It feels great to say it. I'm happy with where I am in life. With what I've done. With who I am. And with who I can be. I've desired so many things in trying to find out who I am, but nothing will ever define me more than my relation to God. In learning more about Him, I find more and more peace within myself. The words that used to be so hurtful, so angering, so frustrating no longer have any power.

But I still have 2 more years of collage. Graduate School in the fall.

[See http://dvdthetuba.tumblr.com/post/28012178437/looking-ahead ]

This semester was awesome. Note that I'm using awesome as "inspiring fear and wonder."

It was just far too much attacking me from all sides. I thought I would be mentally prepared when I wrote down all these things, but when the semester actually started I found myself overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities and commitments. I watched my own destruction as I was unable to live up to the expectations of being a good boyfriend. I hurt one of the dearest friends I had ever welcomed into my life, which led to an apathy for failing relationship and spent half the semester in what has been my darkest clouds in years.

But I needed this semester. I must have thought I was spiritually indestructible. Doing  all of the right things. But no. I had to be humbled. To be shown that I don't have it all down. All of the mess of this semester has intensified my need for God, the one constant in the good times and the bad. It's also inspired a greater gratitude for people and things currently in my life. The finite nature of all things is before me. Confronted with this realization, I must endure to make the times that I do have the best that they can be.

I just really wish I hadn't spent so long beating myself up about things I had no control over. My actions, I am fully responsible for, yes. But I couldn't stop everything I was doing.

Yet, I didn't stop all that I was doing. Throughout all of the stress, I saw great joys. I made new friends. I continued working my blessing of a job and making significant progress in the short time that I've been involved. I continue to praise God with all of me at the drum set for the Catholic Student Union praise band. All of the football games. Basketball games. Road tripping. Stepping it up in my academics in time for finals week.

Everything on my "Looking ahead" list worked out except for one thing. And I allowed my heart to be broken for that one thing. For months. I've experienced great relief from the awesome power of forgiveness, but now it's time to restructure. This whole situation has called me to prioritize. What is truly important out of the experience of life? How can I build my life for Christ, and not myself?

All I know is I'm not perfect. I can only give you my best and no more. Hearts break, but in all circumstances may Truth and Love prevail. I am one semester away from a degree in Computer Science. 

Highlights:

Going down to Miami with a couple friends for the Florida State vs Miami football game.

Playing a whole lot of instruments and singing on Catholic retreat this fall.

Playing Kirby's 20th anniversary collection and having its music CD in my car for a month.

Learning Mobile Programming for iOS on the job.

Being stretched spiritually, leading to a growth in prayer life/reliance on Jesus Christ.

Seeing 2 of my friends from high school band get married to each other.

A particular friendship with a freshman [Julian] that has been a lot of fun.

Going to the Tomahawk (Sports Bar/Grill) on Thanksgiving midnight with my mom, because I was hungry and it was the only place open.

Getting on the FSU Football big screen for dancing to Oppa Gangnam Style before the Duke game started. And watching Duke get creamed.

Going to the recital of my best friend on UMiami's campus. Particularly, the not being able to find the room of it part.

Going from failing the first exam of Biology 2 to ending up with an A- in the class.

Any Wednesday Spirit Nite with the Catholic Student Union.

Seeing plays on campus.

Filming a scary short film for a contest...but not finishing it in time for the deadline.

Going from Florida State back down home takes me about 9 hours. This time gives me a lot of time to reflect (though usually I just jam to music).

I was gazing down the long, seemingly endless road and thinking, "Wow. The Earth is so vast." And compared to myself, of course, it is. But then, in my mind, I zoomed out from where I was. I watched trees blend into each other. I saw large gray roads become thin, gray lines. I saw the tallest building become dots...and then vanish. I saw my entire state; it was all green. I saw the whole earth from the perspective of the moon. It's incredible to imagine that all of the things I hold to be so important are pretty much invisible if you're far out enough or have a larger perspective.

But then I had another thought. This nearly endless road had a lot in common with a human leg. Work with me here; There are millions (billions?) of microcopic creatures that make a living on you. To them, you are their world and they will either destroy you or protect you. A more applicable comparison was the highway to a bloodstream. Things constantly in a state of flow from one part of the body to another. We're pretty much doing the same thing.

Back in Spring, I went to a Catholic retreat where one of the talks was, "You Are All Little Nothings". It struck a chord in me, by essentially putting in perspective the grandness of God and his designs. Why would He love me if I'm just a tiny cog in a 7 billion+ machine? Because He made me in His image and He wants to see the fullness of life realized within me. It is by nothing that I've done to deserve this love.