#duskildan

A̶N̶A̶L̶O̶G̶ H̶E̶A̶R̶T̶ , a vaxleth cyberpunk playlist for @duskildan

and every cell remembers what has taken us this far

in the outskirts of letherna, the black forest seems lush and alive, but upon closer inspection, one notes the rustle is not that of leaves but of feathers. of starry-eyed ravens perched on dead branches in hoards, their caws to one another replaced by voices from long gone conversations and archaic tongues. where the matron and her champion tread, a few fly down and turn into wisps, then phantasmal reenactments ( a soldier's first kill. a high priestess alone in prayer. a deity's last curse before his fall. ).

❛❛ they are memories of the departed, ❜❜ says a voice clear and severe as winter beneath a porcelain mask. which looks on, curious in the craning of her neck, at the afterimages of the past that shine in the dark like a graveyard of stars. some brighter than others, some fainter than a dying a breath, and all dependent on the distance between then and now.

GUILLAUME ISN'T SURE HOW HE'D MISSED THE SIGNS OF HOW QUICKLY IT'S PROGRESSED. for all he's fought against the infringing gift, curse, whatever it is that afflicts his bloodline, he's felt it taking over him so much more quickly in the past weeks, and in moments he can spare away, he's desperately searched for a remedy. his copious visits to various apothecaries haven't gone entirely unnoticed, but he's managed to make excuses – and his last day has been spent on bedrest, pleading a flu, refusing assistance and quieting himself as best he can in moments when he writhes in cold sweat, debilitated by the pain of it as his spine splits and the dragon hide creeps centimeters further over his human flesh. it is the secret he's desperately hidden away from vax'ildan, the one part of him he does not wish for him to see. if he were less of a reckless fool, perhaps he would have succeeded in keeping it hidden. had he considered remaining in bed and calling for water instead, he could have concealed the affliction easily.

but he is a reckless fool, and what's done is done, he realizes as he stirs against vax's shoulder.

as he begins to return to consciousness, his bleary attempts to rasp a protest fail as the rogue carries him from the floor back towards the bed. ( gui may be taller, but he knows vax is stronger than he. ) if his thoughts did not jumble in the wake of his weakness, he would more clearly realize that, even if vax cannot currently see the leathery hide sprouting from his back, he can certainly feel it beneath his hands, and perhaps gui would have the presence of mind to feel grateful that his fever already makes him sweat and tremble, to retain an ounce of dignity. but there is no dignity to be found here. instead, he can only whimper, mumble weak and unintelligible apologies, and fight uselessly against what feels like a knife in his throat. the corners of his eyes burn painfully and he knows he's lost the battle.

" no, wait ... vax ... " the prince speaks as though his mouth were swollen, slow and slurred, but desperate. tears run unbidden down his cheeks, so warm that it feels as though they blister the skin. the mattress feels like it rises to meet him as the rogue sets him down, and no matter how he tries he cannot bring the other man's face into focus. his breaths come in gasps, his movements slow, and even as he tries to grasp vax's wrist to keep him there, his grip is no stronger than soft clay. the fever stirs his mind ; his body feels as though it lurches the entirety of the room as a single pained sob chokes from him. " forgive me, forgive me. " even sluggish as it is, he cannot control his tongue, the words that stumble over themselves to escape him. " forgive a coward who loves you ... "

ONE MIGHT THINK THE BOTH OF THEM MADE OF SUGAR, THE WAY THEY SOUGHT IMMEDIATE SHELTER FROM THE DOWNPOUR. there may have been a time in guillaume's life, before all of this, when a little rain would have bothered him more. not that such a revelation would come as a surprise to vax'ildan anymore ; while gui had begun by trying to conceal himself from all of them, including ( and perhaps especially ) from the handsome half-elf, who he'd been all too eager to impress embarrassingly early on, he has long since become honest about who he is. vax knows how spoiled he once was as well as he knows the integrity of his heart, the depth of his sincerity. there have been times when the prince has wondered if something about his background, his demeanor, his quirks, everything about him, would eventually turn the man away from him. nobody in their mercenary band has much tolerance for royals except perhaps percival, and gui finds himself frequently surprised that vax has bothered to look past that, past the highborn accent and fine tastes and the way being unable to bathe for a certain period of time makes him edgy.

yet vax'ildan still looks at him with eyes almost too gentle sometimes.

those eyes linger on him now and gui feels them like a force of their own, dark and mysterious and keen as they'd always been. the prince runs a hand through his thick head of hair, slightly damp from their brief stint caught in the rain. admittedly, he enjoys the attention more than he'd care to say aloud. all his life, guillaume has been looked at, admired for his status or his appearance or both, but he has never felt truly seen. he doesn't know how, but vax has always seemed to see him in a way others don't, a man beneath the crown, a heart and flesh, tangible and reachable and human as anything. what words are adequate, he wonders, for the first person whose ever made him feel real?

" you're staring, " he teases gently as he gazes out into the rain beyond the cover of the little gazebo. it's picturesque, this little garden they've stumbled across, and somehow he feels the rain makes it even more so – though he knows he's always been a bit of a romantic. after a moment, he turns his head to look at vax properly, that beautifully angular face framed by a gorgeous head of hair he always itches to run his hands through. protective as she can be, gui understands why freya fears that he'll get himself hurt by throwing himself into whatever lingers between them. but even now, he knows two things to be fundamentally true : he's in love with vax'ildan, and he will devastate vax'ildan.

he lifts a hand to run a thumb along the half elf's sharp cheekbone, wiping away a few drops of lingering rain. no matter how he imagines the future, he knows his family curse, the one which chose him of all his line, will devour him eventually. perhaps it's selfish, then, to remain so open, to embrace the idea of loving and being loved with so little hesitation – especially without having given vax the entire truth. he does not fear heartbreak as he should, perhaps, but he fears the consequences of his lies. every time he thinks he can find the strength for honesty, it evaporates when the rogue looks at him and he finds he cannot bear the thought of losing even a moment to his own deception. the words die on his lips even now as he gazes at the rogue, the tilt of his brow, the cut of his jaw, the curve of his mouth. if this makes me weak, guillaume thinks, then let me be weak for him.

" we ran for cover too quickly, I think. " as always, he dances to and fro over the line between shy and strangely bold, his inexperience ever crossing swords with his desire and curiosity. " call me sentimental, but I should have kissed you first. "

001. running up that hill, stranger things totem mix: it doesn't hurt me / do you wanna feel how it feels? / do you wanna know / know that it doesn't hurt me / do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making? / and if i only could / i'd make a deal with god / and i'd get him to swap our places / be runnin' up that road / be runnin' up that hill / be runnin' up that building

002. lose your soul, dead man's bones: you're gonna lose your soul, tonight / you're gonna lose your soul / you're gonna lose your soul / tonight, tonight / oh, you're gonna lose control, tonight / you're gonna lose control / you're gonna lose control / tonight, tonight, tonight / I get up in the morning / to the beat of the drum / i get up to this feeling / keeps me on the run / i get up in the morning / put my dreams away / i get up, i get up, i get up again

003. fate, her: why me? / if you walked a mile using my feet / you would go a little easy on me / you know where i'm coming from, yeah / how come, when I'm lookin' at everyone / they get away with havin' little fun / i'm paying these dues when they don't mean nothing / sweet, sweet fate / i had about all that can take / am i living in the bed that i made / is it yours? i wonder / sweet, sweet fate / sweet, sweet fate / oh if it's really out of my hands (if it's really out of my hands) / can you forgive all of my sins? (can you forgive all of my sins?) / have mercy on me, me

001. begin again, purity ring: i've been watching your kindness keep / a lonely company / look at the fire and think of me /[...] i need not one thing more / oh, wrap the ground around / your gentle winding mind / oh, guard the pounding sound / [...] you be the moon / i'll be the earth / and when we burst / start over, oh, darling / begin again / begin again / begin again / [...] my moon / oh, my moon / not even into / another eternity / will you stop your lovely orbiting

002. sleep baby sleep, broods: i could be the one to give you all that i am / with a gentle touch and a foolish love / you could be the one to carry all my troubles away / with the words you say / all i need to hear so / sleep baby sleep / what are you waiting for? / the morning's on its way / you know it's only just a dream / oh sleep baby sleep / i lie next to you / the beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you

" you feel that ? it's actually colder up here. "

❛❛ oh, but vax ! look at the view ! ❜❜ from this high up on the cliff side, the heart of the frostweald was unfolded before her like a blank page, pure as dove feathers, refracting sunlight through a million tiny shards. sleeping evergreens were tucked beneath their snowy blankets, their verdant darkness all the richer for it, while the mountain's stone proudly donned it's coat of verglas and rime. a child of spring buds from a windswept pocket of paradise, this was a place keyleth had only ever seen etched on a map, and it certainly didn't do it any justice.

first love / late spring , mitski: i was so young when i behaved twenty-five / yet now i find i've grown into a tall child / and i don't wanna go home yet / let me walk to the top of the big night sky / so please hurry leave me / i can't breathe / please don't say you love me / (my heart seems like it could burst) / one word from you / and i would jump off of this ledge i'm on baby

j's lullaby , delainey bailey: darlin', i'd wait for you / even if you didn't ask me to / tie a lasso around the moon / and bring it on down to you / i'd bottle the feelin' you give me / and shelve that stuff for years to come / 'cause, baby, when your arms are around me / i'd swear that i'm holding the sun

everlong, foo fighters: i've waited here for you everlong / tonight i'll throw myself into / and out of the red / out of her head she sang / come down and waste away with me / down with me / slow, how you wanted it to be / i'm over my head / out of her head / she sang / and i wonder / when I sing along with you / if everything could ever be this real forever / if anything could ever be this good again

1000x , jarred james: in another lifetime / i would never change my mind / i would do it again a thousand times / just to let you in here / where you make me lose my mind / in another life i'd do it all again / a thousand times